This sentimentality doesn't look good on me.

I've been doing this now for an entire month.
It feels like it has been a long month. Christmas seems a life time ago.
I find December goes by really quick then January drags on and on. But this January has been top so I have been enjoying it's slow pace. And it's not over yet, I have a little more left to cram into it and also more alcohol to cram into my body.
So yeah, whole month. Congratulations, well done - yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've talked too much lately so today I'm not going to bother.
I did also watch a video journalism documentary about Burma so I could talk on and on today. Vomiting my hatred everywhere and calling you all names for being cocks.
People sometimes say if you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing at all.
I have nothing at all to say.

Actually, I do have one nice thing to say. I had a nice hug with my FDNY hoody last night. I was all sleepy and comfy after watching Shameless, so I grabbed that and put my arms in it and bundled the rest over my chest and head. I could of died I was that comfy. Turned on a program about the US Coast Guard and watched all the beautiful sun kissed Jayhawks. It was a lush way to spend the night.
I do love that hoody. It is one of the few things I would grab in a house fire.
Rory, my guitar (the other, Richie, I don't really love him so he can burn and be replaced).
My FDNY hoody.
Then either my iPod or MacBook, whichever is easy to get as I would just want my music collection.
I might grab my coat as that's on my door so it would be easy enough to get, and it's so big and pretty.
I don't think there is anything else I would want to get. I don't have any photographs in my room as I don't take any. I have no special dvds, cds or books from anyone that I couldn't just get a new one.
Oh, I'd get a pair of shorts. The ones I got from Greece because not only are they really nice, they will forever remind me of many great memories there.
Erm, there isn't much in my room that I would be sad if I lost. I have my walls covered in various things which I either find pretty or they relate to some specific memory, but I wouldn't miss any of it.
In fact I want to get rid of quite a lot because some bits are from when I was back in school which I no longer care about.
As the title of this post would suggest, I'm not the most sentimentalist of people. I have practically nothing in my possession that has some sentimental meaning to me. I have plenty of things that have a story to go along with them but I can't think of much that makes me think "If I lost this, I'd be heartbroken".
Shit! Sorry, I said I wouldn't talk and you went and made me talk.

Anywho, here is a video.
It's a song that generates many good videos, generally along the same lines of each other.
Most the time I hate a song being heavily religious, but I like this one.

Is that a blessing in disguise?

What better way to start the day than with some NFL.
I love how grand it is. Huge fans infatuated by it all, massive and colourful stadiums. And cheerleaders!
It's why I love a lot of American things, they never do anything half arsed, it's always full on and larger than life.
I watched the playoff highlights because it's almost Super Bowl Sunday. I've seen enough of it to understand the rules. I get all your 1st & 10, 1st & 6 and if you don't convert a 4th down into a 1st then you lose possession.
There's a lot more I still don't get, but I have the basics down which makes it possible to watch it, and it sure is exciting to watch.
I have no preference with teams because as I am not American I feel no loyalty to a particular team. Unlike NHL, that's all about the Ducks and that is Disney's fault for making that awesome cartoon.
But yeah, I have no set preference for football, it's just fun to watch.
Saying this though, neither of the two teams I wanted to win the playoffs won. I wanted the Vikings to win because their quarterback, Favre, had come out of retirement at the age of 40 to take them to the Super Bowl. They were so close and took the game to over time but were eventually beaten by a Saints field goal.
The other game I wanted the Jets to win because they were against the Colts. A real David versus Goliath game. For the first quarter the underdogs were doing really well, only for them to be inevitably beaten.

I want the Saints to win the Super Bowl as they have never got that far before, whereas the Colts won it only four seasons ago. Now I just need some beer, crisps, dips and male friends to make Super Bowl Sunday amazing. Chances are though I will just get drunk and fat on my own in the middle of the night.
Look at me, talking about sport. Just like a real man.
And another reason why American sport is so much more better, one of the commentators said something along the lines of: "it's like inviting some guy you don't really like to your party, and him going off with your girlfriend."
It was to do with the Saints giving away the perfect season to put them in a better position for winning the season.
It's a hilarious simile, and just another example of how they make everything larger than life and far more enjoyable.
No British commentator would say such a thing, they're too boring and, well... British.

Enough of that for now.
Erm, what else do you not care to hear about?
I no longer miss doing my journal anymore. It was kinda like a pet, something you had to do but might not of enjoyed so much and then when they die you're free. Maybe I am using this as a substitute, but I doubt that because if that were true then you would be a very poor substitute. I mean a really, really, really shit one.
And speaking of pets, I have been listening to Third Eye Blind more of late (the connection will make it's self clear soon). I have been neglecting them recently even when they were once my favourite band. Everyone knew it too, I'd go on about them all the time and more so when I was drunk. I don't do that emotional drunk stuff, I just throw my musical taste upon people.

So the the pet connection. I've been wanting to watch A Knight's Tale but I can't as my dvd is still in some Center Parcs dvd player. The soundtrack for that film is a very good one and my aunt bought it and copied it for me because I was in a low point in my childhood years. It was November 2002 and both my hamster and dog had died so receiving this cd was definitely a pick me up. Among the great songs on this cd there was a particular one I took a shine for. Eye Conquerer by Third Eye Blind.
This song remained one of my top played one for a fair few years. My sister would tell me I should get more Third Eye Blind and I always intended to but I would often forget. Until finally in January 2008. It was the weekend and I was having a shower while the radio played loudly in my room. When I came back into my room a familiar song was playing, I remembered hearing it as a child but couldn't remember anymore about it other than it was good. Then Helen Mason said it was Third Eye Blind with Semi Charmed Life. That moment there made me go and get their albums, and what a brilliant decision that was.
I like to think about all the tiny little things that lead me to find one of my favourite bands.
Ignoring all the things before they were a band, otherwise we'd be here for a long time.
There is them writing Semi Charmed Life and it becoming a smash hit of '97. There is the radio stations playing this and implanting it into my head ready for the future. There is my sister being at the right age to notice music and fall in love with Third Eye Blind. There is my mother meeting Paul which brings me into contact with Bev. And with Paul there also comes the decision to have a radio station. Then there are my pets dying and me receiving a cd. There is the filmmakers deciding to have Third Eye Blind on that cd. There is me liking that. Then there is us getting a radio station and not the other company. There is Paul letting us choose songs to put on the radio playlist. There is Bev choosing Third Eye Blind. Then there is me being in the right place at the right time to hear that song. Then there is Helen naming the track, because otherwise I probably would of never looked into it.
That there is a lot of little things coming together to have a big effect on my life. This is why I love the complexity of life and how every little thing interacts with everything around it. One simple difference in choosing yes over no can lead to a huge difference if you had chosen no over yes.
This is why I cannot believe in fate. The idea that my free will is nothing more than a story that's already been written, that's a terrifying thought.

And on lighter note, the tv just said thirty tonne semi. I giggled like a girl.

They're all too busy fighting for a good place under the lighting

The word crazy does not even begin to describe the dreams I had last night.
They were very deep and the big full on, you can almost touch them dreams.
I'm taking this to be a good sign because most my dreams are practically nothing different from everyday life, I would pretty much dream about going to work, going to sixth form, meeting up with people I know. It didn't make going to sleep much fun.
But last night my brain was on fire. Maybe from all that Spaced I watched, and How I Met Your Mother. Or that I actually drew something and played guitar and got excited about something.
The reason doesn't really matter as the product was fucking immense!
And speaking of sleep, I got twelve hours of the stuff. Didn't get up till twelve o'clock.
That is a huge deal because I wake up at around half past eight no matter what time I go to bed. The extra sleep was very welcome.

Todays movie was Quadrophenia.
A good enough movie. Seven out of ten.
I'm no fan of the Mod subculture. I don't think the music was good enough to warrant such a following.
Wearing suits was pretty cool and I like suits. It's just a real big shame that the suits had to be stuck to the Mods. And their hair was ghastly. Gross.
But the film was good. It's always nice to watch an old craze with subcultures. It happens every generation as now we have chavs and emos.
It's one thing I look forward to about having kids, seeing what they will love. What music will there be, and then I get to surround them in my music and get called old for it. They'll love me for it.

I finished Spaced last night. There could be a third series one day but I don't mind if there isn't because the second one ended on a high. Sure there were still questions and possible story lines to follow, but it ended at an ending, if you follow.
And I am used to watching short running programs. The longest being five seasons.
Apart from CSI, that's on season nine and I am still watching. However in that, the story and character development is all but gone. You might only see one character for five minutes now whereas in season two everyone would be there all the time. I just can't help but keep watching it as there are occasional moments of good tv but the whodunit element is fast slipping away too. I hope it ends at season ten because at this rate I'll have to give up and throw in the towel.
Back to Spaced.

Awesome stuff. It's the kind of program that leaves me chuckling all the way through and there will be one simple sentence, sometimes just a word which will make me laugh far too much.
And the quirky bunch of misfits they are, I wish I was in a group of people like that.
I'll find them eventually.
Until then though, I will carry on watching films and tv, reading books and wishing all these fictional characters were sat in my room with me.
And some of them, well I wish they were in my bed if you know what I mean.
Kaylee could get my engine running.
Mary Jane would get me web slinging.
Summer would get me hot under the collar.
I'd like to morph with Tonks.
Lily, I'd... I'm struggling with an innuendo here. I'd smell that flower...? No, doesn't work. Maybe something about stems. I dunno. Anyway, Lily, I'd totally do her.
I'd make that flower blossom? Maybe that one will do.
That's probably enough of my fantasies now. Well, for now at least.

What else did my day yield that I wish to discuss with you?
Oh yeah, I had a heart to heart with my mum. Well as close as I will ever got to a heart to heart with a family member. I feel like I should make more effort with talking to my family about things but I rarely have anything I need to talk about.
I do enjoy having my family around but most the time I just like to fade into the background. I like things happening around me so that I can just step back from it all.
I am good at talking when I need to. This month is a fine example of that and how I have said more that I thought I ever would.
Actually, I knew I would say it all because I plan conversations in my head all the time but most the time I have not a lot to talk about when it comes to myself because I do my best to avoid melodrama. I don't like to whine about something when I know come next week I wont give a shit.
I'm also a person who finds it incredible easy to let go of things, so whereas some people need to talk, I can just let go of something.
And might I add, it's the best way to live. You could die at any moment so why let yourself be eaten up by the past. Go out into the world, climb high, run forward and see how far you can go before you die.
Yeah, I'm very bad at inspiring people and offering advice.

One! Two! Betty go!

I may of got out of bed yesterday, but I didn't wake up all day long. I dragged my way through the day with End Times and finished reading The Road.
I love how it didn't end with the traditional story book ending. I'm all for tragedy.
I could of finished watching Spaced, but I stopped two episodes before the end so I have something to watch in bed later tonight.

The sun was very nice this morning, forcing it's way through my curtains trying to pull them down. But then after looking out my window I saw only the sky was nice, everywhere else was grey and wintery.
The house was empty too as it's a Sunday. An empty house has a weird feeling to it.
I like it sometimes, but it always feels weird.
Cold and lifeless, even if the heating is always far too warm.
But an empty house means I can start the day with Biffy Clyro turned all the way up, and that certainly made me dance through the kitchen.
Then it was all about Rescue Me. I only started to watch that because it's about the FDNY, and that is certainly a beautiful thing.
Just look.

I'm not sure why I have the hots for fire engines. Maybe that little boy who wanted to be a fireman never grew up and is in me still. Along with the boy who wanted to be Indiana Jones and all the other crazes I went through. And still go through.
Anyway. I am glad I started to watch Rescue Me even if it was just for the eye candy as it turned out to be really good. I love Lou, he is hilarious. I'll be there chuckling through a whole episode just because of him.
Jesus keeps turning up in it now, bleeding everywhere. It's annoying because I don't like Jesus, but it's an American show. Other than that though, it's all good.

Afterwards I was fresh out of ideas for what to do. I had films to watch but didn't feel like it. Neither did I want to read. So I had the great idea that I should draw something.
Ten minutes later I was sat there cursing about how I couldn't draw anything let alone come up with anything to do.
Then about another ten minutes later I got over that hurdle and drew a koi.
It's only taken twenty-four days but I have finally started to do what I want to do with this year.
I might even do it all again tomorrow, or for varieties sake, play guitar all day.
I also need to get good at my story telling as I really fancy making a graphic novel. Not a serious one, oh no.
Just one to please myself and no one else. Like having myself becoming a cryptic crime fighter who uses brains over brawn and on my travels I encounter Mary Jane. Then romance, tragedy and hilarity ensues.
Never know, that could be my stepping stone to millions.
But I need that killer story line. I am fast running out of reading material so it's only a matter of time before I am sat in bed writing and not reading.
Tonight though, I'll be watching Spaced. However that has both writers and artists in, so I am definitely putting myself in the right environment.

I wish I had musical and comic book friends...

The ends not near, it's here!

That's right, the end is here. End Times arrived! 

The house was empty when I came downstairs and I could see post on the floor. I excitedly ran down the stairs and found a parcel buried under the various envelopes. 

It got better, it was cd shaped and said Amazon on. 

My name too. 

Rip it open, and there it was. The picture I have been looking at for a very long time in my hands. 

To the back room, cd player on, up the volume, make coffee and sit and listen. 

I was happy the house was empty as that meant I could have it as loud as I wanted and be free from interruptions. 

Apart from the phone did ring once, but I decided it probably wasn't going to be important so left it be. 

It was the best way to spend any morning. Lay on a sofa, engrossed in new pretty sounds. 

End Times is very E, as he has a sounds that belongs to him and no one else but he is also ever changing with his sound. This album had elements of the blues, very fitting. 

But mainly is was a simple album as far as the music went, a good choice as the subject matter wasn't really one to overshadow with lots of sounds. 

The subject matter being about divorce and growing old, alone. 

While listening I decided that this cd will be a good breakup cd. Along with Third Eye Blind's Ursa Major. Now all I need is someone to breakup with to put them to their use. 

By the last song I felt like crying it was that depressing. I didn't though, as by then my mother had come home. She enjoys the EELS too. Not in the same way as me, but when I listen to them she will tell me they are good, then I feel good. 

But yes, a brilliantly sad album. 

Ending with a long song, well, long for E. It has a long repeat to fade at the end, much like growing old, and fading to death. I wonder if this was intentional, or am I just doing that usual thing where I can't help but analyse things. 

It's why I watch films alone, people don't like my comments. 

No, as if, I watch films alone because I don't like people. They talk, ask questions and ruin the watching experience. You don't even have to talk, just the presence of another person is enough to make me sigh heavily, repeatedly. 

This was not the only thing I did with my morning though. Oh no. 

Afterwards I finished Assassins Creed II. 

Wow, just wow. 

The first one was good for a while, until then you realised every mission was the same and though the story was good it was not good enough to compensate. 

Number two though, amazing. 

It's so much bigger and prettier being set in Renaissance Italy. You get to see the carnival with the lush harlequins and masquerade masks. 

And the story. Well, it's a story within a story like the first, but it was again amazing, more so than the first. Lots more characters, and likable ones at that. 

And it wasn't as "samey" as the first. You follow the story without needing to go gather information in the same fashion; beat someone up, pickpocket someone, eavesdrop on someone and repeat several times. 

Nope, just good old fashioned story. And then on the side you could go around doing extras for more money. Until you get about half way through the game and money no longer becomes an issue and you can buy everything without thinking, but you still go do the extra assassinations because you want to, and because they are far more challenging.  

And The Truth thing mixed in, that was awesome. First you have to go find all the glyphs, then you have to decipher them and as a reward for all that work you get a video with Adam and Eve in, running from Eden with the forbidden fruit. But not in the normal interpretation of Eden. 

No, it's all ahead of it's time, and our time with technologies. 

This makes sense at the end once we find out more. 

To sum it up, a more advanced race settled on earth, but then a celestial disaster occurred wiping out much of civilisation, so they built a new race in their image and lived side by side until war broke out. 

Some of this advanced race remains, where they have built temples to help stop the same celestial disaster from reoccurring. 

I told you it was wow. 

You start the game thinking it's just the war between Assassins and Templars, and assassinating people to change history for the better. Then that happens! 

Now I have to wait for Assassins Creed III.  They got me hooked and leave me wanting more, damn them. 

I should stop talking about it now, I just needed to let it all out. 

And that there was my morning. 

Last night was good too, very enjoyable. 

Involving the sort of conversation that only happens when you are drunk, and then it still only occurs rarely. What a treat that was. 

I got a kebab on the way home as it only seemed right. 

And there is nothing like a warm bed, fuzzy head and a belly full of meat to make you feel content with life. 

There was more things I was going to say last night, but I can't remember any of them now. I'm sure they were interesting, or maybe meant something. 

Oh well. You win some, you lose some. 

And in this case, I win and you lose. 

Hmm, I don't like breast.

This is what a man said to me today,
I very nearly let the words "what are you? Gay?" slip.
It's not the first time this has happened, once someone told me that thighs were better than breasts.
The fool.
I should probably mention that I am talking about chicken here, and it's various edible body parts.
I got a bitchin' burn at work today. It went white straight away and now it's a badass blister. But I can hack it as I was doing a full days shift, therefore I am a man.

My EELS cd didn't arrive today.
Sad.
Should be here tomorrow at least.
And I also found that book I was going on about on Amazon for eight quid. It's used, but it's going to be used after I have read it so I am just cutting out the middle man if you think about it.
I am on series two of Spaced, I shall probably have a post all about that once I have finished it saying why I love it and why I want my very own Simon Pegg.
The Road is still going down a real treat.
I find it very hard to find a book I love. I really like this one but I don't think it is worthy to go into my favourite books.
Very few books get there, it's pretty much I Am Legend and Things The Grandchildren Should Know.
It's because I find most books have a weak ending. You spend all that time reading the story and loving it and then it has to end, so it just kinda peters out.
Apart from I Am Legend. Best ending ever.
I love that book beyond belief, I could go into how that one book changed the horror genre.
I wont though, not because it will bore you, I am just short of time.

That's right, I spending my night like a twenty-something would.
Come home from work and go out to the pub. Drinking away the memories of the week before, and dragging yourself through next week to the beacon of next friday at the pub.
Isn't life beautiful?

Must dash.
Ta ta.

White power?!? Fuck off, you prick!

As I said, I felt disheartened as I walked to work but then I was fine once I was there.
And afterward, well I kinda had a sense of not wasting a morning but I was trying to work out what I should do with my year, and then from that, my life.

When I was home I wanted to sit in front of the tv and do very little, but daytime tv is far from watchable. Then I remembered I had recorded American Hate, American Nazis.
If ever I wondered why I am so hate filled, I just need to look at the things I watch. Documentaries about neo-Nazis and the slaughter of whales don't exactly fill people with a warm, fuzzy feeling about the world.
And American Hate, American Nazis sure did make me very hate filled.
What a bunch of wankers.
"I don't want our country to fall apart after all our forefathers fought for."
What the fuck?
Your fore-fucking-fathers raped, pillaged and stuck a flag in "your" country to claim it as their own. How can immigrants be destroying your culture when you have no real culture, you took the country, it's not yours!
White supremacy? Excuse me but the Native Americans were not white.
But I'm sure the Nazi scum have some belief that America was there's anyway, and they were just taking it back so there is no way you could logically argue anything against them.
Blame the Jews? Can someone please explain to me how that makes an ounce of sense.
Some huge conspiracy where they are destroying culture and the economy by out breeding the White Man? Yeah, sure...
And anyway, if any religious machine is going to be untrustworthy, it's the Vatican.
What does the White Man have anyway, what pride do they have? Pretty much all he does is invade places and call them his own.
Knowledge of a heritage only goes so far as well, after that you could be from anywhere. Chances are some of these neo-Nazis have Jewish ancestors. Wouldn't that be a kick in the teeth.
And a factor of National Socialism national pride? Well if you have all these immigrants wanting to come to your country because they think it's the biggest and best country in the entire world, would you not feel some pride about that.
Dick heads.
A woman made a really good point which made me smile.
"Kick your computer, not an immigrant."
It was about the change in economy and therefore change in jobs, and how technology and knowledge caused that shift. And it's true, immigrants aren't stealing your jobs, computers and technologies are.
Dick heads.

But it was only three quarters of this program that pissed me off. The last part made my day.
One of the neo-Nazi movements were having a march in D.C. and because of that loads of anti-racist activists turned up. It made me very happy seeing all those people there chanting 'Nazi scum!" and general hurling all sorts of abuse at them. I even got goosebumps it was that beautiful.
And to top it off, as the racist twats were trying to give their speech, the anti-racists got a big bullhorn and quoted all of Martin Luther King, Jr's speech.
I'd be lying if I wasn't turned on by how beautiful it was.
Good times.
And it's not all that bad having these neo-Nazis around. I mean, it is bad, they are bad. Bad, bad, bad.
But free speech is important, and it's also important that we have a constant reminder about bad things because us as humans will easily forget, or think we can not repeat the same mistakes.
We just need to be reminded of certain things to make sure we keep moving up and forward.

In other news, I finally found that song that was on the Whale Wars advert. I say I found it, it found me.
Had I paid any attention to the charts last year I would of known the song, but had I paid any attention to the charts I would of not been me.
I am at a really nice point in The Road, which is a lovely change from the bleak, grey and depressing feel of it. It's a really good book. But I fear their good fortune will not last, and soon everything will return to hopelessness.

So yes, I am in a grand old mood. There was probably more I was going to rant and complain about but it's escaped me. I'll remember what else I wanted to say in five minutes, but there is enough there for you and I for one day.

there's going to be a party when the wolf comes home

I had some bizarre dreams last night. To name one, I was an assassin in late 15th Century Venice.
Who says I am easily influenced by my surroundings.

Once again I have little to say.
I could talk about Haiti as that is still big news.
The earthquake was bad, but it's nice that the world is helping - right?
Well, yes and no.
It's good we are helping, giving them the much needed aid but Haiti is the poorest county in the Americas and it took an earthquake for us to finally offer them some help.
It's like Africa. That has so much debt that it will never be able to pay us back, poverty is a huge issue and they have so many corrupt governments. These things don't qualify as a disaster though.
It's not all doom and gloom, there is a fair old amount of charity work occurring and helping.
I dunno.
I just got pissed off at some celebrity on the tv who was having a fund raiser to help Haiti. Come on, you have all this money but you will only part with it once a huge disaster has occurred and killed thousands.
Why not part with some of that money and give people a better life without the catalyst of a disaster.
I know I am making a blanket statement, I know there are plenty of rich people who give away their money all the time.
I also know it's easy for me to sit here and complain with my limited knowledge when I have no idea how to run a business, let alone a county, and let alone the world.
But that wont stop me from venting out my various hates of the world.

Work tomorrow. That has snuck up on me.
I really don't want to go. It's the same old story every night before work. It makes me feel sad to know I have to go to work. I hate jobs, what a depressing way to waste a life.
However, once I am at work I will be fine because all the things I will be doing will stop me from thinking, and I will get on with what needs doing without my angry thoughts.
And then once I come home from work, I wont feel like I have wasted a morning. In fact, I'll have that feeling of a job well done.
But right now, with the shadow of 5am all too near, I never want to work again.

It's a miracle!

This is my complaint of today. The way the term "miracle" is thrown around all too often.
Especially those American Christians.
"Oh look, a small piece of good fortune."
"Hallelujah! It's a miracle! Praise the Lord!"
Yes, because there could be no other reason for something good happening on it's own, or through a reaction of peoples choices. Oh no, it was God.
Maybe I am a little bias because I hate religion.
But still.

That's all you're going to get out of my tonight, I don't feel much like a chat tonight.
I'm in a great mood, maybe I'm starting to lose interest which happens with nearly everything I come into contact with.
I don't have much to say anyway. Maybe it's because I don't have a life and have been on Assassins Creed for most the day. Or maybe I lead such an incredible life I fear telling you about it because just sharing an ounce of my awesomeness would cause your eyes to weep.