My mother pisses me off no end. I love her, don't get me wrong, but that doesn't change the fact.
I look at my family and I would only be friends with Bev, Charlie and my gran if they were not family. I have a good family though, again, I'm not putting them down.
My mum has a habit of being insufferable. Too much wine and being determined to stay up for no reason and complaining about being tired. It makes me want to punch her in the face, again.
A quick example, she just came in the room and the news was on and of course it was on about the wake of the election and she had heard none of it and came in saying: "you can't do that".
These days I don't stay quiet so I asked her what they can't do, and a stumble of words fell out her mouth.
She'll get pissed of adverts for no reason at all.
Come in and watch the end of a film I'm watching and decide she knows everything about it.
The day I was calling the Angel of the North shit, as you do, and she was defending it. Yesterday I was again saying how shit it is and she agreed with me. I pointed out this sudden change and once again she attempted a link between her different views.
But I do love her, not because I have to, because I do. She's not really a friend, and no way near a confident. I've opened up to her a few times and it was nice but I'm capable of sorting out my emotions on my own.
And all this said, I see so much of my mother in me. In my mannerisms and faults.
I'll form opinions, and argue them on little to no evidence.
I'll get pissed of at the tv but continue to watch it, though I like to think I watch more thought provoking things about the bad in the world, rather than a show about children's beauty pageants.
There is a whole list of things as I've been listing them in my head the past few days but now my head and belly are full of beer.
You get the jist though, she pisses me off but I'm just the same making me one great big hypocrite. I don't care though because I can see it and admit it.
Now with all this said and done I can't wait until I leave. I've been wanting it for years now. I feel like too much of an individual to be living with a family.
The job of bringing me up is long done and now I feel more claustrophobic than anything. I am grateful of everything, I must stress this.
All this truthsome talk must be because I finished the Diary of Anne Frank. I felt myself tearing up in the canteen. Her penultimate entry started with her talking of hope because of the invasion and possible liberation. It was heart wrenching that it just stopped, no indication of impending death, just stopped. Like Che's journal, he was talking with good spirits one day, and nothing was ever said again.
Now I've gone and made myself upset.
Sunday, 9 May 2010
Saturday, 8 May 2010
Fifteen minutes for two Coronas and six pence change.
I've just got in from work despite it being two minutes to nine and I was supposed to be there until nine. I did a whole, and literal, fifteen minutes work before coming back home.
It was a pretty pointless shift to begin with, an hour of refit related activities but I wasn't fussed about it, get paid.
But all I had to do was empty a fridge and I had Fran with me and - gosh, I've forgotten her name already, I am truly awful. Between the three of us we were done in minutes and took all the shit into a backup fridge.
Day done.
Easiest £6.12 ever.
Tomorrow wont be half bad either. Dan, Fran and Ann. It's not a coincidence that I get on best with those who's names rhyme with mine.
Then Fran and myself are doing more refit activities, two hours this time which hopefully will translate to half an hours work.
It was good to go out in the cool evening too as I have been restless all day. I woke up and threw myself around my bed until getting up and then I had no idea what to do with myself. A day off to do nothing. No drawing to do.
I watched tv. Two episodes of Castle, one of Deadliest Catch and one True Blood. God I love True Blood. I just upped it from nine starts to ten stars on IMDB. It's flawless. It has everything I love.
It's now my second favourite tv show, because Firefly can never be beaten.
I tired to tidy my room because I was restless. I sorted through some of my books, I have plenty. I then gave up with this and played with Garageband and my guitars.
Started Watchmen too, that was it. After that I can carry on buying Sin City and get DK2.
Plenty to keep idle hands busy.
It was a pretty pointless shift to begin with, an hour of refit related activities but I wasn't fussed about it, get paid.
But all I had to do was empty a fridge and I had Fran with me and - gosh, I've forgotten her name already, I am truly awful. Between the three of us we were done in minutes and took all the shit into a backup fridge.
Day done.
Easiest £6.12 ever.
Tomorrow wont be half bad either. Dan, Fran and Ann. It's not a coincidence that I get on best with those who's names rhyme with mine.
Then Fran and myself are doing more refit activities, two hours this time which hopefully will translate to half an hours work.
It was good to go out in the cool evening too as I have been restless all day. I woke up and threw myself around my bed until getting up and then I had no idea what to do with myself. A day off to do nothing. No drawing to do.
I watched tv. Two episodes of Castle, one of Deadliest Catch and one True Blood. God I love True Blood. I just upped it from nine starts to ten stars on IMDB. It's flawless. It has everything I love.
It's now my second favourite tv show, because Firefly can never be beaten.
I tired to tidy my room because I was restless. I sorted through some of my books, I have plenty. I then gave up with this and played with Garageband and my guitars.
Started Watchmen too, that was it. After that I can carry on buying Sin City and get DK2.
Plenty to keep idle hands busy.
Friday, 7 May 2010
Tiredness kills.
I thought I dodged UCAS.
I thought it would be harder.
I've done it all today except my personal statement and reference. I have my personal statement all ready in my head but I'm not going to write it tonight, I fancy the tv more and I can't see about my reference until Monday anyway.
I don't even need to sell myself either, all the hard work is done.
It's hard work being me.
Hung parliament, aye? I'm a hypocrite, I know, it's because my moods and views fly around and always change but that doesn't stop me from arguing my opinions even if they change the following week.
Politics will never interest me though, that much I know.
I voted Liberal Democrat. I know little about them other than that I wanted to vote for them. I didn't even see that thing that made Nick Clegg look great. I like new things, is all.
And where I may be living is a Lib Dem area, not that I'll notice a difference.
It feels weird doing nothing tonight. I feel like I should be doing something but now I don't need to. Easy going life.
Week off next week. Third Eye Blind. Oh, everything is beautiful.
New people at work. One is middles aged and weird. He seems like a person who lives with his mum still, but I was teaching him plenty of things and felt pretty good about myself. We will get another person too. Some guy who's a student here, maybe we can be friends.
Sleepy.
I thought it would be harder.
I've done it all today except my personal statement and reference. I have my personal statement all ready in my head but I'm not going to write it tonight, I fancy the tv more and I can't see about my reference until Monday anyway.
I don't even need to sell myself either, all the hard work is done.
It's hard work being me.
Hung parliament, aye? I'm a hypocrite, I know, it's because my moods and views fly around and always change but that doesn't stop me from arguing my opinions even if they change the following week.
Politics will never interest me though, that much I know.
I voted Liberal Democrat. I know little about them other than that I wanted to vote for them. I didn't even see that thing that made Nick Clegg look great. I like new things, is all.
And where I may be living is a Lib Dem area, not that I'll notice a difference.
It feels weird doing nothing tonight. I feel like I should be doing something but now I don't need to. Easy going life.
Week off next week. Third Eye Blind. Oh, everything is beautiful.
New people at work. One is middles aged and weird. He seems like a person who lives with his mum still, but I was teaching him plenty of things and felt pretty good about myself. We will get another person too. Some guy who's a student here, maybe we can be friends.
Sleepy.
Thursday, 6 May 2010
Somerset College of Arts & Technology
A pretty awesome day all in all.
Waking up was painful despite my extra forty minutes sleep. Tiredness hung over me as I opted out of my morning coffee so that I could have a comfy bladder for the car journey.
If I were superstitious, this day started great because before I got out of Buxton I saw two magpies flying together. Throughout the day I kept seeing magpies everywhere and about fifty Morrisons lorries. We really do do more fresh food that any other supermarkets.
And on the way back I saw two owls hunting. Magical.
My day consisted of more than just sights, don't worry.
Listened to all of Chris Moyels which was a nice way to wake up. Some Costa coffee from a service station. The toilets there are more like a shooting gallery than toilets.
Lost in Taunton. I thought it was nice to see the place, mother did not.
Talked to my first local there, nice West Country twang to his voice. Sadly, he was the only one with a good accent.
Arrive at college. Wait forever and a day in the art department only to then be told that the media make up interview was being done else where.
Trek back.
Meet the woman who already knows about the mess up of misinformation and get things going quick.
Really nice woman, easy to talk to.
No nerves for me. I didn't have them before hand but I thought when I was waiting I'd start to feel it, but this wasn't true.
From the get go she told me how I was super over qualified for that course, I was aware of that but thought the whole lack of art would of let me down. We talk about that for a few minutes before she asks to see some of my stuff. I show her my old GCSE crap first as I thought this would then make the rest look even better in comparison but she thought that my GCSE stuff was good anyway, then looked through the anatomy drawings I've been doing this year and says how they are both good and appropriate for such a course. Practically everything else I brought didn't get a look in because she was saying how the foundation degree would be far more appropriate for someone like me.
I'm right happy as this is what I wanted to do but I lacked the creative UCAS points.
But no, despite all this it doesn't matter because of my other grades, my portfolio, my age and of course, my enthusiasm. I'm quite speechless at this point, over joyed but I want to talk more, I felt like selling myself but as far as she cared she didn't need to hear it.
It's hard to call it an interview because it really wasn't at all, it was basically just talking about the foundation course and all that it involved. My mother was invited in at this point because it was a different course so there was lots of different finance things and accommodation things.
The three of us talk for a good forty minutes or so about all the different things. A huge selling point, I get to go to New York for a measly six hundred pounds! I can well afford that, I'm sectioning off said amount and not spending a penny of it.
That should be easy because I have been saving hard because I wasn't doing a degree course, but now I'll get student money.
I'm fairly sure that she offered me a place on the course because there was no what ifs and we'll be in touch. No, it was very much "see you in September". Great stuff.
She says there will be one other boy and the rest will be girls. Great stuff.
It was all great, and now there is no need for me to do the lower course, there's two years of my life I've saved already. I'm looking forward to it loads.
Basically all I need to do now is apply to that course via UCAS to sort out all the paper work side, then she'll talk to admissions to say that I've had my interview and in no time at all I'll start getting all my letters.
Out of politeness I went to the art people to say that I didn't need them or my interview anymore. That was good because the interview seemed like a bit of a cock and it saved be bluffing my way through knowing art.
Is it not a shame that I've worked on loads of things for the past few months for it to prove unimportant today? Not one bit, I've loved doing everything. I've had a blast with it all and I wont be able to stop if I wanted. My head's still full of ideas I need to get out but now this can all be done without deadlines.
I need to get my accommodation forms filled in now, I'll do that tomorrow.
UCAS needs doing which will be a piece of piss seems how my interview is pretty much a dead certain. The only slightly awkward thing to sort out is getting my reference from sixth form. But even that has it's good points, I'll go see my old teachers and chat and maybe see if they have all the finance details to save me leg work.
I'm super happy about everything. I'd show it more but I'm so tired and my head aches big time.
Because of these reasons I'm going to go to bed and probably have awesome dreams.
I swear, life treats me too well. Most things seem to work out fine on their own. The only rejection I've had is from Argos, not bad at all.
Waking up was painful despite my extra forty minutes sleep. Tiredness hung over me as I opted out of my morning coffee so that I could have a comfy bladder for the car journey.
If I were superstitious, this day started great because before I got out of Buxton I saw two magpies flying together. Throughout the day I kept seeing magpies everywhere and about fifty Morrisons lorries. We really do do more fresh food that any other supermarkets.
And on the way back I saw two owls hunting. Magical.
My day consisted of more than just sights, don't worry.
Listened to all of Chris Moyels which was a nice way to wake up. Some Costa coffee from a service station. The toilets there are more like a shooting gallery than toilets.
Lost in Taunton. I thought it was nice to see the place, mother did not.
Talked to my first local there, nice West Country twang to his voice. Sadly, he was the only one with a good accent.
Arrive at college. Wait forever and a day in the art department only to then be told that the media make up interview was being done else where.
Trek back.
Meet the woman who already knows about the mess up of misinformation and get things going quick.
Really nice woman, easy to talk to.
No nerves for me. I didn't have them before hand but I thought when I was waiting I'd start to feel it, but this wasn't true.
From the get go she told me how I was super over qualified for that course, I was aware of that but thought the whole lack of art would of let me down. We talk about that for a few minutes before she asks to see some of my stuff. I show her my old GCSE crap first as I thought this would then make the rest look even better in comparison but she thought that my GCSE stuff was good anyway, then looked through the anatomy drawings I've been doing this year and says how they are both good and appropriate for such a course. Practically everything else I brought didn't get a look in because she was saying how the foundation degree would be far more appropriate for someone like me.
I'm right happy as this is what I wanted to do but I lacked the creative UCAS points.
But no, despite all this it doesn't matter because of my other grades, my portfolio, my age and of course, my enthusiasm. I'm quite speechless at this point, over joyed but I want to talk more, I felt like selling myself but as far as she cared she didn't need to hear it.
It's hard to call it an interview because it really wasn't at all, it was basically just talking about the foundation course and all that it involved. My mother was invited in at this point because it was a different course so there was lots of different finance things and accommodation things.
The three of us talk for a good forty minutes or so about all the different things. A huge selling point, I get to go to New York for a measly six hundred pounds! I can well afford that, I'm sectioning off said amount and not spending a penny of it.
That should be easy because I have been saving hard because I wasn't doing a degree course, but now I'll get student money.
I'm fairly sure that she offered me a place on the course because there was no what ifs and we'll be in touch. No, it was very much "see you in September". Great stuff.
She says there will be one other boy and the rest will be girls. Great stuff.
It was all great, and now there is no need for me to do the lower course, there's two years of my life I've saved already. I'm looking forward to it loads.
Basically all I need to do now is apply to that course via UCAS to sort out all the paper work side, then she'll talk to admissions to say that I've had my interview and in no time at all I'll start getting all my letters.
Out of politeness I went to the art people to say that I didn't need them or my interview anymore. That was good because the interview seemed like a bit of a cock and it saved be bluffing my way through knowing art.
Is it not a shame that I've worked on loads of things for the past few months for it to prove unimportant today? Not one bit, I've loved doing everything. I've had a blast with it all and I wont be able to stop if I wanted. My head's still full of ideas I need to get out but now this can all be done without deadlines.
I need to get my accommodation forms filled in now, I'll do that tomorrow.
UCAS needs doing which will be a piece of piss seems how my interview is pretty much a dead certain. The only slightly awkward thing to sort out is getting my reference from sixth form. But even that has it's good points, I'll go see my old teachers and chat and maybe see if they have all the finance details to save me leg work.
I'm super happy about everything. I'd show it more but I'm so tired and my head aches big time.
Because of these reasons I'm going to go to bed and probably have awesome dreams.
I swear, life treats me too well. Most things seem to work out fine on their own. The only rejection I've had is from Argos, not bad at all.
Wednesday, 5 May 2010
It's just around the corner.
I have loads to say but time has flown and I'm already late.
I must sleep.
I'd say I'd catch you up on everything tomorrow but that might not happen either.
Let's say the weekend.
I must sleep.
I'd say I'd catch you up on everything tomorrow but that might not happen either.
Let's say the weekend.
Tuesday, 4 May 2010
Mind your head.
Where to start?
So much to say and I\m already eating into valuable sleeping hours.
Work. I like it more the worse it is. As in the more things kick off, the more arguments and anger the better it is for me. Today we all told our line manager to fuck off more or less.
Walking upstairs with Ann (as we both finished at the same time) I felt like we were as thick as thieves as we chatted, it was a glorious feeling. A feeling of belonging.
Next.
I remembered to get my photos. A lot of them, and they made my bag super heavy.
Walk home, In The Aeroplane Over The Sea, home.
Sit down, stick in photos while listening to Third Eye Blind and singing loudly in my excitement.
Out for tea. I usually like to pretend the waitress fancies me and tonight was no different. I thought that because I thought she fancied me was the reason for her looking towards me and being all nice and lovely.
Meal goes on, yeah, she totally fancies me. Not my single word, the word of the whole table. That's six mouths.
And if that wasn't enough you should of seen the size of the apple pie slab she gave me. It's good to be me.
She was ever so cute about the whole thing and I wanted to say thanks in some way and acknowledge her for it all. We decided I should give her a cheeky wink but it turned out I couldn't pull off a wink that would of not been creepy/comical. Shame.
Thank you unknown female who made me feel great.
Back home now. Finish sticking photos. Everyone looks through them. Listening to the reactions is good. I like scaring people, makes me feel proud. I hear them being squeamish and I feel good.
Lots of compliments, lots of them for a while now but they don't half make me feel awkward because I never know what to do with them, and I never fully believe them.
Bev has asked me to do her a painting for her birthday and I will do that for sure.
It's nice to have such a force behind me from everyone. First they called me a scientist, now I'm called an artist. I've never been either one of the two but that doesn't stop their praise from being nice.
Ten days until Third Eye Blind so there is only one song that can be played today.
Also, my pumpkin plant has a wee shoot now. More pride for this Dan. My ego is huge today.
So much to say and I\m already eating into valuable sleeping hours.
Work. I like it more the worse it is. As in the more things kick off, the more arguments and anger the better it is for me. Today we all told our line manager to fuck off more or less.
Walking upstairs with Ann (as we both finished at the same time) I felt like we were as thick as thieves as we chatted, it was a glorious feeling. A feeling of belonging.
Next.
I remembered to get my photos. A lot of them, and they made my bag super heavy.
Walk home, In The Aeroplane Over The Sea, home.
Sit down, stick in photos while listening to Third Eye Blind and singing loudly in my excitement.
Out for tea. I usually like to pretend the waitress fancies me and tonight was no different. I thought that because I thought she fancied me was the reason for her looking towards me and being all nice and lovely.
Meal goes on, yeah, she totally fancies me. Not my single word, the word of the whole table. That's six mouths.
And if that wasn't enough you should of seen the size of the apple pie slab she gave me. It's good to be me.
She was ever so cute about the whole thing and I wanted to say thanks in some way and acknowledge her for it all. We decided I should give her a cheeky wink but it turned out I couldn't pull off a wink that would of not been creepy/comical. Shame.
Thank you unknown female who made me feel great.
Back home now. Finish sticking photos. Everyone looks through them. Listening to the reactions is good. I like scaring people, makes me feel proud. I hear them being squeamish and I feel good.
Lots of compliments, lots of them for a while now but they don't half make me feel awkward because I never know what to do with them, and I never fully believe them.
Bev has asked me to do her a painting for her birthday and I will do that for sure.
It's nice to have such a force behind me from everyone. First they called me a scientist, now I'm called an artist. I've never been either one of the two but that doesn't stop their praise from being nice.
Ten days until Third Eye Blind so there is only one song that can be played today.
Also, my pumpkin plant has a wee shoot now. More pride for this Dan. My ego is huge today.
Monday, 3 May 2010
Aches and sniffs.
I had a crushing headache. Not a splitting one, one that was causing my head to implode.
Paracetamol and beer has shunned most of that away.
Now I have been smashed in the face with stuffiness. I dread my alarm going off in the morning.
Got to listen to my flesh sizzle today. I burn myself so much that I don't even bat an eyelid anymore. This one though was a good one, big fat blister straight away.
I have a burn on every knuckle on my left hand except one. I'm toying with completing the set on purpose.
Make sure I don't forget to pick up my photos tomorrow.
Paracetamol and beer has shunned most of that away.
Now I have been smashed in the face with stuffiness. I dread my alarm going off in the morning.
Got to listen to my flesh sizzle today. I burn myself so much that I don't even bat an eyelid anymore. This one though was a good one, big fat blister straight away.
I have a burn on every knuckle on my left hand except one. I'm toying with completing the set on purpose.
Make sure I don't forget to pick up my photos tomorrow.
Sunday, 2 May 2010
Food for thought.
I forget about the tree best things I have ever eaten. Sometimes I'll be thinking long and hard and I wont be able to pin point some orgasmic taste.
Tonight I am reminding my taste buds as my butter chicken from that place I like is on its way and this dish would come in at number three.
Number two would be that mystery piece of pecan pie I had. No idea who made it, if it was fresh or factory made but it matters not because I about died of pleasure with that in my mouth. I desperately need to make a pecan pie, I was going to but I could only find chopped pecans at the time and I wanted whole ones. For both aesthetic reasons and a bigger crunch for contrast. I'm not sure if I wish to work with Heston Blumenthal, or that I had the idea to mix science with food first. Not that this really matters because this goes in that huge old pile of those wishes of mine which are worth as much as their weight - which is none, because they have no weight as they're merely thoughts.
Back on track.
As my memory serves I think I know what the best thing I have ever eaten. Salt and pepper squid from The Laughing Buddha.
I enjoy squid as it is, once on holiday I ate a whole one to myself. Fried tentacles, yum!
Now this particular dish was lush beyond all belief, the guy there recommended it to me and I'm so very happy that I listened.
I also love just an orgy of food. Curry on pizza with a pile of special fried noodles on the side followed with something with fruit in, or maybe suet, or marshmallow log. That sort of thing is all very good, amazing even but the above three are the only three that I can recall that have made me pause to say to myself: "This is the best thing I've eve had in my mouth".
Now I must end this talk of food as my curry is here.
Times are kind to Dan.
Tonight I am reminding my taste buds as my butter chicken from that place I like is on its way and this dish would come in at number three.
Number two would be that mystery piece of pecan pie I had. No idea who made it, if it was fresh or factory made but it matters not because I about died of pleasure with that in my mouth. I desperately need to make a pecan pie, I was going to but I could only find chopped pecans at the time and I wanted whole ones. For both aesthetic reasons and a bigger crunch for contrast. I'm not sure if I wish to work with Heston Blumenthal, or that I had the idea to mix science with food first. Not that this really matters because this goes in that huge old pile of those wishes of mine which are worth as much as their weight - which is none, because they have no weight as they're merely thoughts.
Back on track.
As my memory serves I think I know what the best thing I have ever eaten. Salt and pepper squid from The Laughing Buddha.
I enjoy squid as it is, once on holiday I ate a whole one to myself. Fried tentacles, yum!
Now this particular dish was lush beyond all belief, the guy there recommended it to me and I'm so very happy that I listened.
I also love just an orgy of food. Curry on pizza with a pile of special fried noodles on the side followed with something with fruit in, or maybe suet, or marshmallow log. That sort of thing is all very good, amazing even but the above three are the only three that I can recall that have made me pause to say to myself: "This is the best thing I've eve had in my mouth".
Now I must end this talk of food as my curry is here.
Times are kind to Dan.
Saturday, 1 May 2010
Your cheek on mine.
You're fully aware of my hate but when I think about the day I leave Morrisons I feel a little sad. The job can fuck off but I enjoy quite a lot of the company there.
Despite the fact that the last day of school meant very little to me and the last day of sixth form meaning even less. I'm not apathetic but I'm not that sentimental about things either so I have been pondering this feeling.
Not that it matters, it'll just be like anything else. Any emotions on the subject will last three days and then I'll forget to look back. But this wont happen either because I'll be stoked about going on holiday.
Enough of that now.
I can now see why Jeff Mangum loves Anne Frank. I can also see how it can inspire.
It's making me want to write a song and this is a feeling that I wish to pursue.
It is really nice to read just to see the vast span in what is right now and what was seen to be right then.
I think I must of had some pre-existing idea stuck in my head where I expected that because things were stricter that emotions would follow too. Far from it.
Her feelings and words are no different from right now, which is obvious now.
How crazy people were to subdue their true nature just to fit the image that was expected of them.
I like to think that behind closed doors it was different, all passion, furious clothes ripping and kinky sex.
Soon I shall be swigging the beer with True Blood. If only I didn't get rid of my invisible friend, I'm sure he would of liked it being a vampire and all.
Listening to a phone conversation about Farmville is one of those moments that I lose faith in everything and everyone.
Despite the fact that the last day of school meant very little to me and the last day of sixth form meaning even less. I'm not apathetic but I'm not that sentimental about things either so I have been pondering this feeling.
Not that it matters, it'll just be like anything else. Any emotions on the subject will last three days and then I'll forget to look back. But this wont happen either because I'll be stoked about going on holiday.
Enough of that now.
I can now see why Jeff Mangum loves Anne Frank. I can also see how it can inspire.
It's making me want to write a song and this is a feeling that I wish to pursue.
It is really nice to read just to see the vast span in what is right now and what was seen to be right then.
I think I must of had some pre-existing idea stuck in my head where I expected that because things were stricter that emotions would follow too. Far from it.
Her feelings and words are no different from right now, which is obvious now.
How crazy people were to subdue their true nature just to fit the image that was expected of them.
I like to think that behind closed doors it was different, all passion, furious clothes ripping and kinky sex.
Soon I shall be swigging the beer with True Blood. If only I didn't get rid of my invisible friend, I'm sure he would of liked it being a vampire and all.
Listening to a phone conversation about Farmville is one of those moments that I lose faith in everything and everyone.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)