Anyway, here's a nugget of information about my life to enlighten you with. I thought I was picking a load of latex of my skin earlier. Turned out to be my skin.
Tuesday 31 August 2010
Get you finger out!
Gosh, why do I feel so much empathy of late? Everything I watch makes me feel sad, Paradise Lost included.
Anyway, here's a nugget of information about my life to enlighten you with. I thought I was picking a load of latex of my skin earlier. Turned out to be my skin.
Anyway, here's a nugget of information about my life to enlighten you with. I thought I was picking a load of latex of my skin earlier. Turned out to be my skin.
Sunday 29 August 2010
The Venus Project
The monetary system is bad, a resource based economy is the way forward. We may realise this soon because the money/debt issue leads to bankruptcy all the time, and the US may go bankrupt within the decade. In a sadistic and selfish way, I hope it does because I have always wanted some grand occurrence during my life time. It could be the key to a revolution, a way of life like the Venus Project.
A boy can only dream.
This was the problem, I feel like I can only dream. I feel like I have no voice in the matter. I feel so powerless against the huge machines. But, I say to myself, I am young. I have time to at least make my voice heard even if it is to just one other person. Or find somewhere with many like me, and feel like a part of a movement.
Failing all this, I can always take solace in the fact that I can see things for what they are. I say it often, and I shall say it again, ignorance is not bliss.
Taking the spotlight away from the turmoil of my soul, my room appears tidy. It's not, but it seems organised, giving the illusion of tidy. I started to gather stuff for my ever approaching move. I boxed up my books, I need another box for my graphic novels (because I am that cool) and then I alphabetized my dvds. Three foot of neatly organised dvds making my room look orderly.
Gutted under my bed, truly awful job. Threw out several bags of crap and now I need to go to Ikea. I am awfully excited, however I got my first sinking feeling of worry the other day, the old what if I get stuck with shit people. That passed, I can't wait to go. Talk to new people and get to know all about them. And after a year with me, one of them is bound to like Third Eye Blind/Firefly.
Friday 27 August 2010
Recognition!
It's all I ever need. Not in a direct way, just to see the effects and know that I am the reason. I don't need the person to know that I am the reason, I can remain anonymous, all I need to see is the effect.
I talk about this because now that I am off the blood donor list (*sobs*) I got a certificate. I have many certificates, but this is probably the first one I have been happy to receive.
Got my student finance stuff too, but that is less important.
I think I shall head upstairs, crank up the tunes and play with make up. I did some today, see:
I talk about this because now that I am off the blood donor list (*sobs*) I got a certificate. I have many certificates, but this is probably the first one I have been happy to receive.
Got my student finance stuff too, but that is less important.
I think I shall head upstairs, crank up the tunes and play with make up. I did some today, see:
I tried doing a bite wound a month or two back and the phrase 'epic fail' was invented just for that outcome. My only qualms with this one is it's too shiny, as once again I forgot to talc it, despite thinking about how I always forget to talc everything. Oh well. But on the plus, Vaseline. I used to use moisturiser to soften the wax but that made it slimy and near impossible to work with, but I read that Vaseline also works and like a big fucking charm it works. No swearing, stabbing or hating. Cool, uninterrupted good times.
So yes, with todays good fortune under belt I shall go let the good times continue. And have a few tinnies too. Probably watch Zeitgeist tonight as I didn't last nigh, The Mexican was too good to resist.
I've been looking at Anarchism, freedom fighting and the likes tonight.
Ahh, life is swell for me.
My mother on the other hand...
She drinks as it is, but my word she is fucking out of it tonight. I question where my tequila is.
All courtesy of marriage.
I could say something, but there is nothing to say. I am rarely the shoulder to cry on with my cold heart.
Thursday 26 August 2010
The fears of a delusional mind.
I'm really quite emotional, teetering towards sad.
I just watched DIY SOS, a great show but that was to be expected. It was just emotional, so much crying and happiness.
However, as always, I got thinking. I got thinking about how sad the world must be to warrant such a reaction to the kindness of heart. Breaking down in tears just because someone has been good towards you for no fee at all. Money doesn't make the world go round, we just think it does. People can be kind towards each other just to feel the warmth of goodness, rather than a fat wallet in their pocket.
It was inspiring, to see good people as I am such a cynic when it comes to my world view.
But fuck me, must every thought I have be the spanner in the works of my life plan? There is no way that I could build myself four walls, and live within them with a wonderful and beautiful family. I could lose myself in that life though, but I know that I would awake one day to see that I hadn't given anything to the world and revolt.
No, no. I can't plan my life. I will go to uni, be awesome and take it all in. Afterwards I shall see where I stand, and where I can go. Hopefully I shall balance my life by doing what I find fun to pass the time and also cram in some soulful activities. Make a difference somewhere.
I'd like to write songs, and get them heard and for people to act upon them. I'd like to paint a picture that stops the world in it's tracks and causes it to think for just a minute.
I want people to see and think like me, for if we all did we would live in the most wonderful world.
Yet this is far from the case. The world is only getting darker. Contactless technology; clever stuff, hey? Sure, but it would seem that in our life time not only do they wish to make cheques redundant, they also wish to make cash redundant. Yeah, it's not a terrible thing is it. Without physical cash crime is surely going to take a hit, and no need to print it in the first place so the planet is pretty pleased too.
Passports have chips in these days, and if your finances are on a chip too then it is just a matter of time before the two are one. Your entire identity and wealth in the palm of your hand.
So why not throw in a tracking device? Or if you don't abide by the law, they just delete all the money on your chip. How about a lovely big brother type state?
New World Order. That is where it is all heading. One government and one state, no one left to rage war with at least but first you must conquer the earth. Then having one entity in power of the entire planet, fucking scary shit right there.
Nope, give me a world with diversity, culture and openness. Freedom, the ability to disappear and to have an identity that is more than a chip. A world governed by the kindness of heart.
Call me paranoid and call me crazy. Maybe I am, maybe this will never happen but I can't help but fear it.
I just watched DIY SOS, a great show but that was to be expected. It was just emotional, so much crying and happiness.
However, as always, I got thinking. I got thinking about how sad the world must be to warrant such a reaction to the kindness of heart. Breaking down in tears just because someone has been good towards you for no fee at all. Money doesn't make the world go round, we just think it does. People can be kind towards each other just to feel the warmth of goodness, rather than a fat wallet in their pocket.
It was inspiring, to see good people as I am such a cynic when it comes to my world view.
But fuck me, must every thought I have be the spanner in the works of my life plan? There is no way that I could build myself four walls, and live within them with a wonderful and beautiful family. I could lose myself in that life though, but I know that I would awake one day to see that I hadn't given anything to the world and revolt.
No, no. I can't plan my life. I will go to uni, be awesome and take it all in. Afterwards I shall see where I stand, and where I can go. Hopefully I shall balance my life by doing what I find fun to pass the time and also cram in some soulful activities. Make a difference somewhere.
I'd like to write songs, and get them heard and for people to act upon them. I'd like to paint a picture that stops the world in it's tracks and causes it to think for just a minute.
I want people to see and think like me, for if we all did we would live in the most wonderful world.
Yet this is far from the case. The world is only getting darker. Contactless technology; clever stuff, hey? Sure, but it would seem that in our life time not only do they wish to make cheques redundant, they also wish to make cash redundant. Yeah, it's not a terrible thing is it. Without physical cash crime is surely going to take a hit, and no need to print it in the first place so the planet is pretty pleased too.
Passports have chips in these days, and if your finances are on a chip too then it is just a matter of time before the two are one. Your entire identity and wealth in the palm of your hand.
So why not throw in a tracking device? Or if you don't abide by the law, they just delete all the money on your chip. How about a lovely big brother type state?
New World Order. That is where it is all heading. One government and one state, no one left to rage war with at least but first you must conquer the earth. Then having one entity in power of the entire planet, fucking scary shit right there.
Nope, give me a world with diversity, culture and openness. Freedom, the ability to disappear and to have an identity that is more than a chip. A world governed by the kindness of heart.
Call me paranoid and call me crazy. Maybe I am, maybe this will never happen but I can't help but fear it.
Wednesday 25 August 2010
Like a fish...
...I am gutted!
Truly, truly gutted.
I went to give blood yesterday, it was my second time. My first time lasted but minutes because my nerves got the better of me and I got all light headed. But I thought this time would be fine because I felt fine, I wasn't nervous and I had eaten plenty of food and drinks and pounded my body with sugar to counter all the effects. And everything was going fine, until something went wrong with the cradle that the blood sits in. I think that was the problem because a nurse was messing with it, then asked for help and I started to get foggy here. Because I couldn't see the problem I then pictured myself bleeding all over the floor and imagining a pint sized puddle of blood, it's not a small thing.
I thought I could fight it and I told them I was fine, but the sweat on my brow told a different story.
Tragic. And I was so close to the full pint of blood too.
I like being a minority, but I don't want to be in this one. The one where 2% of people who give blood, their body can't adapt quickly enough the the sudden blood loss. It blows.
But I had a great chat with a few nurses, talking about loads of things like holidays, university, life and other such things. Two were red heads, and they talked to me as if I was one of their own, excellent stuff.
We talked about blood too. How I had done everything right with eating and drinking and all that, and that being young may be the problem. Body still undergoing changes and all that jazz. I'm advised to try again in a few years, or whenever I feel up to it, and I have until I am seventy.
I'm assured there is no rush, but I want to do this so badly. I want nothing more to help others. Just like when I see a fire truck or something, the urge to have a job like that is a strong one. It's not as selfless as one would think because I think some of it is selfishness too, I want to be seen as a hero, I want to be the face that the person sees on the worst day of their life.
But alas, I cannot save lives with my blood.
A real shame, and the nurses agree. They weren't pissy this time, they were proud of me for trying again and not just thinking it wasn't for me. And there is still time and hope.
If not, it's going to suck to have a head that can give blood but a body that cannot.
Family is all back. As I thought, I am glad to have life in the house but I am annoyed that I can't just roll out of bed and put a horror on.
To celebrate the end of the holiday we went out for a curry. Not wise since they owe me two hundred pounds as they ran out of cash and I had to bail them out, once again. I have lost count of the time I have borrowed them money, I'm sure the roles here have been reversed.
Curry though, I wasn't feeling it. I have had six in the last seven days: two pasanders, beef curry, vegetable balti, mexican curry and last nights garlic chili.
What can I say, I love the spicy food and it's all I wanted after Greece as their food may be great but it has no heat.
The beer almost killed me though, I thought that maybe having 10% less blood would make getting pissed 10% easier, but it would seem it is more exponential, which makes sense thinking about it.
Then I had tooth ache which means I may get a wisdom tooth in the next few years. So obviously I ate a bag of Haribo, the clever thing to do.
Truly, truly gutted.
I went to give blood yesterday, it was my second time. My first time lasted but minutes because my nerves got the better of me and I got all light headed. But I thought this time would be fine because I felt fine, I wasn't nervous and I had eaten plenty of food and drinks and pounded my body with sugar to counter all the effects. And everything was going fine, until something went wrong with the cradle that the blood sits in. I think that was the problem because a nurse was messing with it, then asked for help and I started to get foggy here. Because I couldn't see the problem I then pictured myself bleeding all over the floor and imagining a pint sized puddle of blood, it's not a small thing.
I thought I could fight it and I told them I was fine, but the sweat on my brow told a different story.
Tragic. And I was so close to the full pint of blood too.
I like being a minority, but I don't want to be in this one. The one where 2% of people who give blood, their body can't adapt quickly enough the the sudden blood loss. It blows.
But I had a great chat with a few nurses, talking about loads of things like holidays, university, life and other such things. Two were red heads, and they talked to me as if I was one of their own, excellent stuff.
We talked about blood too. How I had done everything right with eating and drinking and all that, and that being young may be the problem. Body still undergoing changes and all that jazz. I'm advised to try again in a few years, or whenever I feel up to it, and I have until I am seventy.
I'm assured there is no rush, but I want to do this so badly. I want nothing more to help others. Just like when I see a fire truck or something, the urge to have a job like that is a strong one. It's not as selfless as one would think because I think some of it is selfishness too, I want to be seen as a hero, I want to be the face that the person sees on the worst day of their life.
But alas, I cannot save lives with my blood.
A real shame, and the nurses agree. They weren't pissy this time, they were proud of me for trying again and not just thinking it wasn't for me. And there is still time and hope.
If not, it's going to suck to have a head that can give blood but a body that cannot.
Family is all back. As I thought, I am glad to have life in the house but I am annoyed that I can't just roll out of bed and put a horror on.
To celebrate the end of the holiday we went out for a curry. Not wise since they owe me two hundred pounds as they ran out of cash and I had to bail them out, once again. I have lost count of the time I have borrowed them money, I'm sure the roles here have been reversed.
Curry though, I wasn't feeling it. I have had six in the last seven days: two pasanders, beef curry, vegetable balti, mexican curry and last nights garlic chili.
What can I say, I love the spicy food and it's all I wanted after Greece as their food may be great but it has no heat.
The beer almost killed me though, I thought that maybe having 10% less blood would make getting pissed 10% easier, but it would seem it is more exponential, which makes sense thinking about it.
Then I had tooth ache which means I may get a wisdom tooth in the next few years. So obviously I ate a bag of Haribo, the clever thing to do.
Monday 23 August 2010
Oh, Ewan, where art thou?
My last evening on my own. The family returns tonight in the wee hours. It'll be nice to have a house with life in, but I will miss the freedom of walking around naked and the other things I take advantage of with no company.
I'm stuck with what to do and this is why I am here talking about nothing. I'd like to read but reading in a cold, empty and quiet house is not a uplifting experience. I'd be watching Long Way Down but alas, WHSmiths did not have it for like the first time ever! Denied. Tragedy.
It's on NatGeo at the moment so not all is lost, I'll just have to watch them over ten days instead of one long and beautiful night with Ewan McGregor.
I could watch The OC but I think I want to avoid it because I know as soon as it goes on that will be my entire night gone.
Would it be so bad though? I mean, I have done a canvas today, the breast cancer one I felt I needed to do. However it did not blow the lid of what could of been repressed emotions, which I am guessing (and hoping) means I don't have any. The painting came out really well, I think. How I envisioned at least and it took just ten minutes, kept it simple and was confident with brush strokes. Very pleasing experience.
Did a bit more on the cowboy one, but I got bored and it wasn't going too well.
Horror? I have many to watch but again I just don't know what to do with myself. I'd like to just sit here all night and talk to someone.
...
And now we can scratch all that because Bev has turned up. Sweet.
I'm stuck with what to do and this is why I am here talking about nothing. I'd like to read but reading in a cold, empty and quiet house is not a uplifting experience. I'd be watching Long Way Down but alas, WHSmiths did not have it for like the first time ever! Denied. Tragedy.
It's on NatGeo at the moment so not all is lost, I'll just have to watch them over ten days instead of one long and beautiful night with Ewan McGregor.
I could watch The OC but I think I want to avoid it because I know as soon as it goes on that will be my entire night gone.
Would it be so bad though? I mean, I have done a canvas today, the breast cancer one I felt I needed to do. However it did not blow the lid of what could of been repressed emotions, which I am guessing (and hoping) means I don't have any. The painting came out really well, I think. How I envisioned at least and it took just ten minutes, kept it simple and was confident with brush strokes. Very pleasing experience.
Did a bit more on the cowboy one, but I got bored and it wasn't going too well.
Horror? I have many to watch but again I just don't know what to do with myself. I'd like to just sit here all night and talk to someone.
...
And now we can scratch all that because Bev has turned up. Sweet.
Sunday 22 August 2010
The curse of Cuervo.
Fuck.
I'm not sure if I have ever drank more than I drank last night. Fucking tequila!
I was a riot, I had an audience and I made the most of it. I rapped to Eminem, Busted's version of Where is the Love, A Perfect Blend (the awesome Neighbours song) amongst others. Danced my face off, shredded the old voice and just acted like a drunk.
Then it becomes fragmented and dream like and any Dan that remained was pushed away. I hang my head in shame.
I woke up this morning still well and truly pissed, head warm and fuzzy and unable to walk straight and still dancing and singing. Tidied up, washed up and made pancakes. I was close to vomit then.
Afternoon in the park, lay in the sun with coffee, muffin and pretzels. This was when the hangover came into effect. It's not a bad one as my head isn't thick with pain, however I feel sick to my core, I'm sweating tequila and I feel all on edge, fidgety and a bit of the shakes maybe. I feel like an alcoholic who's going cold turkey.
I want to die. Blow my brains out with a Beretta. The peace and tranquility of death is more welcoming that it has ever been before.
I'm not sure if I have ever drank more than I drank last night. Fucking tequila!
I was a riot, I had an audience and I made the most of it. I rapped to Eminem, Busted's version of Where is the Love, A Perfect Blend (the awesome Neighbours song) amongst others. Danced my face off, shredded the old voice and just acted like a drunk.
Then it becomes fragmented and dream like and any Dan that remained was pushed away. I hang my head in shame.
I woke up this morning still well and truly pissed, head warm and fuzzy and unable to walk straight and still dancing and singing. Tidied up, washed up and made pancakes. I was close to vomit then.
Afternoon in the park, lay in the sun with coffee, muffin and pretzels. This was when the hangover came into effect. It's not a bad one as my head isn't thick with pain, however I feel sick to my core, I'm sweating tequila and I feel all on edge, fidgety and a bit of the shakes maybe. I feel like an alcoholic who's going cold turkey.
I want to die. Blow my brains out with a Beretta. The peace and tranquility of death is more welcoming that it has ever been before.
Thursday 19 August 2010
We no speak Americano
Drunk!
I have enjoyed a wide spread of Corona, rose wine, mystery cocktail and Fruli. My belly is full of warmth and happiness.
An excellent night with maybe a tad too much male bonding, but I love it for it is something I rarely get. I love hanging around boys and talking about boy things.
Drama seemed to be brewing towards the end, and by the end I mean my leaving. Nothing changes from school, people running around whispering that so and so said this about so and so.
Nope, sit me with the Cowan and I will be fine without it all.
I ventured out the house today, I thought about staying in but after watching a film I felt like going out. Got some canvases and brushes and I intend on painting a picture for my Gran. I'm doing this off my own back because I want to, whereas I have been asked to do something for my fake gran but have yet to do something. My family is an odd one, much like everyone elses.
So tomorrow I shall paint. Then maybe pick up some shopping for Saturday night. I'm really excited for it now that I have seen that people are excited for it also, it is bound to be a good night.
Gosh, I wish I weren't so drunk because I feel like staying up and doing something, even if that is just watching another film.
I'll get up early tomorrow and make the most of the day.
And I finally know the name of the song I danced to all last week. Probably the last person in the world to learn the name We No Speak Americano, but I gave up with the radio a while back.
I have enjoyed a wide spread of Corona, rose wine, mystery cocktail and Fruli. My belly is full of warmth and happiness.
An excellent night with maybe a tad too much male bonding, but I love it for it is something I rarely get. I love hanging around boys and talking about boy things.
Drama seemed to be brewing towards the end, and by the end I mean my leaving. Nothing changes from school, people running around whispering that so and so said this about so and so.
Nope, sit me with the Cowan and I will be fine without it all.
I ventured out the house today, I thought about staying in but after watching a film I felt like going out. Got some canvases and brushes and I intend on painting a picture for my Gran. I'm doing this off my own back because I want to, whereas I have been asked to do something for my fake gran but have yet to do something. My family is an odd one, much like everyone elses.
So tomorrow I shall paint. Then maybe pick up some shopping for Saturday night. I'm really excited for it now that I have seen that people are excited for it also, it is bound to be a good night.
Gosh, I wish I weren't so drunk because I feel like staying up and doing something, even if that is just watching another film.
I'll get up early tomorrow and make the most of the day.
And I finally know the name of the song I danced to all last week. Probably the last person in the world to learn the name We No Speak Americano, but I gave up with the radio a while back.
Wednesday 18 August 2010
It's like a sign!
I feel chatty. I'm talking to someone I haven't talked too in far too long, but what is lovely is that despite the vast amount of time between conversation, the freedom and ease of talking hasn't changed.
I got up today at two in the afternoon. I do not believe that I have ever slept in so late! A little bit of jet lag, but I was still getting up at lunch time in Greece.
First port of call was a horror. Synder's re-imagining of Dawn of the Dead. I had to up it one of IMDB for it is wonderful. What I thought to be cheesy is more homage to the seventies.
Then I drew, and drew a bit more. The habit of doing so in Greece has followed me home, and I am happy for this.
I am getting better with watercolours, or so I like to think.
Then I made an epic meal for one. Pasander with roti bread.
Watched some Southland with it which gave me my costume for me iParte Mexicana! I shall go as a Mexican gang member as I have the wife beater and I can draw some tattoos and there is no need to get a sombrero or poncho.
I am feeling awfully content tonight despite my slight emotional episode at the end of Ladder 49 last night.
Not sure what to do with myself tonight though because I sure wont sleep for a while yet. Late to get up and too much coffee. The OC? Another film? I'm spoilt for choice!
I got up today at two in the afternoon. I do not believe that I have ever slept in so late! A little bit of jet lag, but I was still getting up at lunch time in Greece.
First port of call was a horror. Synder's re-imagining of Dawn of the Dead. I had to up it one of IMDB for it is wonderful. What I thought to be cheesy is more homage to the seventies.
Then I drew, and drew a bit more. The habit of doing so in Greece has followed me home, and I am happy for this.
I am getting better with watercolours, or so I like to think.
Then I made an epic meal for one. Pasander with roti bread.
Watched some Southland with it which gave me my costume for me iParte Mexicana! I shall go as a Mexican gang member as I have the wife beater and I can draw some tattoos and there is no need to get a sombrero or poncho.
I am feeling awfully content tonight despite my slight emotional episode at the end of Ladder 49 last night.
Not sure what to do with myself tonight though because I sure wont sleep for a while yet. Late to get up and too much coffee. The OC? Another film? I'm spoilt for choice!
Tuesday 17 August 2010
I saw the oceans daughter.
Back in the Bux.
I am quite happy about this, in a way. I felt ready to come home as there isn't so much to do on holiday other than reading, drawing and listening to music.
It was great, lovely and hot and simple and care free. Other than the lack of a room and a bed, which resulted in a painful experience with an ancient, and tiny, camp bed and so I made do with a sofa. Not all bad, I was pissed the first day or two but I had no reason to be as I was just grasping and wants. So I let go and had an excellent time free from resentment.
I'm no good at sun worshipping, I get bored and I don't pretend that I tan. I don't. And plus, I am not insecure about my skin tone. So instead of getting a load of sunbathing done, I got a good deal of drawing done. And my book, Kavalier and Clay, oh how wonderful it is.
I also got my much wanted morning swim in the sea. Not sure what time but I was the only one in the sea let alone the beach. But I didn't spend much time on the beach, though my love for the sea is like no other my dislike towards people is somewhat greater. I couldn't be bothered with all those bodies ruining my sanctuary. I got a couple of mornings to myself, and a fair few nights too. No night swimming for that would of been silly, especially because of all the Long Island Ice Teas I was consuming. One night involved three of them, not to mention all the beer and shots and to top it off the best game of darts ever.
Sadly, the Alobar was not a patch on last time. No music, and it was always dead. Yet the scenery had not changed so it was still beautiful to sit there in a deck chair, over looking the sea with a drink in hand.
Nope, the place to be this year was Robin's Nest. It's run by some woman from Chicago and she's been there since the seventies and it is always fun with the darts, music, dressing up box and it's beautiful bohemian feeling. The bar is inside, and it is just the size of a bar this room. The toilets are just some out building, and everything is outside underneath this gorgeous tree. There is a little bit of a roof in one corner which is just a wooden lean-too. Seats worked into the walls. It's ace. And now there is loads of art on the walls. The cocktails are nothing special, or that could just be because I have been to real cocktail bars with proper barmen.
To some the week up:
What was surprising though was my sexual placidity. I thought that with all the almost naked woman around that I would be fit to burst. Not the case at all. It would seem that I am no longer that pit of raging hormones of a teenager anymore.
Another factor was because I just felt lonely, not in a sexual way, in the way of company and the emotional sense. Being surrounded by couples will the the root to that feeling. I only have to wait another month before I move, it's arrogant to think that I will find someone at uni but hey. And there will be people there, and I will fancy them, and I shall do something about that and we can only see what happens there.
I had the worst dream ever while I was away. It truly was.
Basic dream setting, nothing extraordinary, a party of some sort then in some heated passion I killed someone. Everything after that was panic, what was I going to do. Hide the body? Confess? Run away? Kill myself? It felt so real which was awful, I was running around wishing that it was a dream but it didn't feel like a dream and I wouldn't wake up no matter how much I wished it and pinched myself. Finally I took the dead mans car keys and I was going to drive myself off a cliff, then I woke up and I have never been more relieved. A good sign that I probably have good morals somewhere if a dream about killing a man ruined me.
I am in love. I kid you not. On the plane home I was in the aisle seat next to some people I didn't know and in the aisle next to me was this girl. This beautiful, amazing girl. Ciara I think her name was, at least that was the name on the back of her hoody. I didn't even talk to her but she looked like probably the coolest person in the world. I imagine that her personality and character are second to none. Even her feet were the most beautiful I have ever seen. But again, I wanted nothing sexual, I could not taint her beauty by imagining joining the Mile High Club with her. No, I just wanted to sit next to her, be the shoulder her head could sleep on, hold hands and just be there together in a simple embrace of warmth and true love. I don't know if I believe in true love, love at first sight and the one, but I'm not sure if this affinity is because these things are true, or was it just because I was sat next to a uniquely gorgeous girl and I imagined up her perfection and fell in love with that.
Whatever the answer, I know I will be thinking of her for some time.
There is nothing more revitalising that lying down in the sun under a perfectly blue sky and listening to ELO's Mr. Blue Sky. Completely weightless and free, feeling just like the endless blue of Mr. Blue Sky.
However, I think this is more fitting considering.
I am quite happy about this, in a way. I felt ready to come home as there isn't so much to do on holiday other than reading, drawing and listening to music.
It was great, lovely and hot and simple and care free. Other than the lack of a room and a bed, which resulted in a painful experience with an ancient, and tiny, camp bed and so I made do with a sofa. Not all bad, I was pissed the first day or two but I had no reason to be as I was just grasping and wants. So I let go and had an excellent time free from resentment.
I'm no good at sun worshipping, I get bored and I don't pretend that I tan. I don't. And plus, I am not insecure about my skin tone. So instead of getting a load of sunbathing done, I got a good deal of drawing done. And my book, Kavalier and Clay, oh how wonderful it is.
I also got my much wanted morning swim in the sea. Not sure what time but I was the only one in the sea let alone the beach. But I didn't spend much time on the beach, though my love for the sea is like no other my dislike towards people is somewhat greater. I couldn't be bothered with all those bodies ruining my sanctuary. I got a couple of mornings to myself, and a fair few nights too. No night swimming for that would of been silly, especially because of all the Long Island Ice Teas I was consuming. One night involved three of them, not to mention all the beer and shots and to top it off the best game of darts ever.
Sadly, the Alobar was not a patch on last time. No music, and it was always dead. Yet the scenery had not changed so it was still beautiful to sit there in a deck chair, over looking the sea with a drink in hand.
Nope, the place to be this year was Robin's Nest. It's run by some woman from Chicago and she's been there since the seventies and it is always fun with the darts, music, dressing up box and it's beautiful bohemian feeling. The bar is inside, and it is just the size of a bar this room. The toilets are just some out building, and everything is outside underneath this gorgeous tree. There is a little bit of a roof in one corner which is just a wooden lean-too. Seats worked into the walls. It's ace. And now there is loads of art on the walls. The cocktails are nothing special, or that could just be because I have been to real cocktail bars with proper barmen.
To some the week up:
- Drink
- Sun
- Sea
- Pool
- Food
- More drink
- More food
- Even more drink
- Little more food
- Reading
- Music
- Drawing
- And drink.
What was surprising though was my sexual placidity. I thought that with all the almost naked woman around that I would be fit to burst. Not the case at all. It would seem that I am no longer that pit of raging hormones of a teenager anymore.
Another factor was because I just felt lonely, not in a sexual way, in the way of company and the emotional sense. Being surrounded by couples will the the root to that feeling. I only have to wait another month before I move, it's arrogant to think that I will find someone at uni but hey. And there will be people there, and I will fancy them, and I shall do something about that and we can only see what happens there.
I had the worst dream ever while I was away. It truly was.
Basic dream setting, nothing extraordinary, a party of some sort then in some heated passion I killed someone. Everything after that was panic, what was I going to do. Hide the body? Confess? Run away? Kill myself? It felt so real which was awful, I was running around wishing that it was a dream but it didn't feel like a dream and I wouldn't wake up no matter how much I wished it and pinched myself. Finally I took the dead mans car keys and I was going to drive myself off a cliff, then I woke up and I have never been more relieved. A good sign that I probably have good morals somewhere if a dream about killing a man ruined me.
I am in love. I kid you not. On the plane home I was in the aisle seat next to some people I didn't know and in the aisle next to me was this girl. This beautiful, amazing girl. Ciara I think her name was, at least that was the name on the back of her hoody. I didn't even talk to her but she looked like probably the coolest person in the world. I imagine that her personality and character are second to none. Even her feet were the most beautiful I have ever seen. But again, I wanted nothing sexual, I could not taint her beauty by imagining joining the Mile High Club with her. No, I just wanted to sit next to her, be the shoulder her head could sleep on, hold hands and just be there together in a simple embrace of warmth and true love. I don't know if I believe in true love, love at first sight and the one, but I'm not sure if this affinity is because these things are true, or was it just because I was sat next to a uniquely gorgeous girl and I imagined up her perfection and fell in love with that.
Whatever the answer, I know I will be thinking of her for some time.
There is nothing more revitalising that lying down in the sun under a perfectly blue sky and listening to ELO's Mr. Blue Sky. Completely weightless and free, feeling just like the endless blue of Mr. Blue Sky.
However, I think this is more fitting considering.
Sunday 8 August 2010
afk
Yesterday was a twenty something hour day and I felt good. Today I have been up for ten hours and I am cream crackered.
I can't believe I finished work yesterday, it all ready feels like a week has gone by without that place. Probably down to my head being free from thinking of when I am next at work.
And the fact I filled up yesterday afternoon/night with more things than you could think possible.
I didn't get drunk though, crazy, I needed to get money out but I forgot and didn't bother and just spent the night chatting instead. Again, my book is leeching into my everyday life as he stopped getting drunk.
I'm not going to do that though, pfft.
But what was pleasantly surprising was how I was not pissed off with everyone, as nearly all sober people despise drunk people when thrown together. Nope, fun, lighthearted and great. Lots of mockery too, and the cherry on top was spending a lovely night tending to a much overlooked friendship. It's my fault, and I still feel like I am working off the debts from a year ago.
Tomorrow I fly away for a week. It is much needed. And I am going to spend it all by the sea.
Picked up that last few bits for it today.
The essential iPod mains charger.
Some teeny tiny watercolour box and to go along with it some watercolour paper. I it was called watercolour postcards for their postcard size, but on the reverse they have it laid out and ready to fill it as a postcard. How quaint!
I won't send any, I just wanted some small paper to capture anything pretty, like a photo only more fun.
Then I got an A5 sketchbook because apparently when I shop for holiday things I buy small things.
I thought about getting more stuff but seems how I had sent off a few order forms for my course which totted up to £800+ I thought I best leave them.
I have to wait until I move down to get them as they are delivered to the college, for the best as it's less to take down and I wont use up everything in an excitable frenzy.
I look forward to getting my postiche kit. I'm going to make a glorious mustache.
It is still surreal to think that it was just the end of January that I started looking at courses, and not even looking in depth. Then applying to loads for the sake of it, then going to an interview and being told that I am just to gosh darn good and that I should do the proper course.
I truly dread the day that things don't pan out just nicely for me, because I will not have a clue what to do.
Shit. I forgot to make a holiday playlist.
Tomorrow!
I can't believe I finished work yesterday, it all ready feels like a week has gone by without that place. Probably down to my head being free from thinking of when I am next at work.
And the fact I filled up yesterday afternoon/night with more things than you could think possible.
I didn't get drunk though, crazy, I needed to get money out but I forgot and didn't bother and just spent the night chatting instead. Again, my book is leeching into my everyday life as he stopped getting drunk.
I'm not going to do that though, pfft.
But what was pleasantly surprising was how I was not pissed off with everyone, as nearly all sober people despise drunk people when thrown together. Nope, fun, lighthearted and great. Lots of mockery too, and the cherry on top was spending a lovely night tending to a much overlooked friendship. It's my fault, and I still feel like I am working off the debts from a year ago.
Tomorrow I fly away for a week. It is much needed. And I am going to spend it all by the sea.
Picked up that last few bits for it today.
The essential iPod mains charger.
Some teeny tiny watercolour box and to go along with it some watercolour paper. I it was called watercolour postcards for their postcard size, but on the reverse they have it laid out and ready to fill it as a postcard. How quaint!
I won't send any, I just wanted some small paper to capture anything pretty, like a photo only more fun.
Then I got an A5 sketchbook because apparently when I shop for holiday things I buy small things.
I thought about getting more stuff but seems how I had sent off a few order forms for my course which totted up to £800+ I thought I best leave them.
I have to wait until I move down to get them as they are delivered to the college, for the best as it's less to take down and I wont use up everything in an excitable frenzy.
I look forward to getting my postiche kit. I'm going to make a glorious mustache.
It is still surreal to think that it was just the end of January that I started looking at courses, and not even looking in depth. Then applying to loads for the sake of it, then going to an interview and being told that I am just to gosh darn good and that I should do the proper course.
I truly dread the day that things don't pan out just nicely for me, because I will not have a clue what to do.
Shit. I forgot to make a holiday playlist.
Tomorrow!
Saturday 7 August 2010
Unemployed.
This is far more glummer than I had anticipated.
I miss Ann. I'll see them all in a few months, but it's not going to be the same.
I sure am making this sound pretty pathetic.
Gloomy glum feeling.
I get to sleep now at least, but the early thing didn't bother me. And the plus with that, for a good while now I will be able to wake up from 6am onwards and still think that I have had plenty of sleep. That'll come in handy.
I'm really going to miss it more than I thought I ever would. Well, not Morrisons, that just happened to be the place with all these great people in.
In other news. When I was in town the other day I went looking for headphones. I found some Sennheiser, half price, for thirty pounds. My wallet had the total sum of thirty pounds.
I, of course, bought them.
I've wanted a pair for some time but sixty quid is a lot just for some headphones, but I thought thirty was okay.
Well, I would of paid the full sixty for them. HD sound, it's orgasmic!
Every song I listen to now, it's like listening to for the first time again. I can pick out each single sound. I had no idea there could be so much sound!
And sound canceling too. What a beauty that is. I can listen to nothing but music while I watch the world. Oh, it is wonderful.
I can happily go deaf now that I have experienced such audio beauty.
I miss Ann. I'll see them all in a few months, but it's not going to be the same.
I sure am making this sound pretty pathetic.
Gloomy glum feeling.
I get to sleep now at least, but the early thing didn't bother me. And the plus with that, for a good while now I will be able to wake up from 6am onwards and still think that I have had plenty of sleep. That'll come in handy.
I'm really going to miss it more than I thought I ever would. Well, not Morrisons, that just happened to be the place with all these great people in.
In other news. When I was in town the other day I went looking for headphones. I found some Sennheiser, half price, for thirty pounds. My wallet had the total sum of thirty pounds.
I, of course, bought them.
I've wanted a pair for some time but sixty quid is a lot just for some headphones, but I thought thirty was okay.
Well, I would of paid the full sixty for them. HD sound, it's orgasmic!
Every song I listen to now, it's like listening to for the first time again. I can pick out each single sound. I had no idea there could be so much sound!
And sound canceling too. What a beauty that is. I can listen to nothing but music while I watch the world. Oh, it is wonderful.
I can happily go deaf now that I have experienced such audio beauty.
Friday 6 August 2010
Letter.
Tomorrow is my final day of work. Today was fun, in a way.
This week there has been issues with the chicken suppliers and yesterday was when stocks dwindled, and today was when pretty much everything ran out. I have always dreamt of this day, where something occurs that isn't our fault that results in there being nothing.
It's as sweet as I imagined!
Nothing to do and the managers can't be angry. Not that they are angry people, Katie is lovely most days and Rochelle is peculiarly nice to me. Like the other day when I was clocking out as she was starting she asked if I was going, I reply yes and her reaction to this is an aww.
I think Doc must be on holiday or something, shame, I would of liked to of said goodbye to him.
I did however say goodbye to Tracey today, got my goodbye kiss as I wasn't going anywhere without it. Walking home was a little sad. Routine breaks tomorrow, and I have made friends and spend days with lovely people who make me smile.
What I think is the main reason that makes me sad is the feeling that I am abandoning people. I know it isn't the case, each to their own and all these people have roots and families but some of them mean a lot to me and I'm just leaving it all behind.
But when I got home I found a big letter from Somerset. I opened and read.
I remembered why I am leaving. I remember the reason to getting a job because I have several order forms to buy loads of cool stuff. I'm easily going to eat up a grand buying it all.
Then I find all the information about New York. How did that bad boy slip my mind!?!
February, that is when I shall be going, all permitting.
It's all very exciting and has put me at ease because I thought they might of forgot about me with the lack of letters before today.
As of tomorrow 12:00pm, I'll be unemployed. I've wanted it for so long, but I'm going to miss it despite it all. Yet when I walk out those doors it will truly feel as if a weight has been lifted. I will exhale and it will feel amazing. But you know what the first thing that I will want to do when I come home at Christmas? Go to Morrisons.
This week there has been issues with the chicken suppliers and yesterday was when stocks dwindled, and today was when pretty much everything ran out. I have always dreamt of this day, where something occurs that isn't our fault that results in there being nothing.
It's as sweet as I imagined!
Nothing to do and the managers can't be angry. Not that they are angry people, Katie is lovely most days and Rochelle is peculiarly nice to me. Like the other day when I was clocking out as she was starting she asked if I was going, I reply yes and her reaction to this is an aww.
I think Doc must be on holiday or something, shame, I would of liked to of said goodbye to him.
I did however say goodbye to Tracey today, got my goodbye kiss as I wasn't going anywhere without it. Walking home was a little sad. Routine breaks tomorrow, and I have made friends and spend days with lovely people who make me smile.
What I think is the main reason that makes me sad is the feeling that I am abandoning people. I know it isn't the case, each to their own and all these people have roots and families but some of them mean a lot to me and I'm just leaving it all behind.
But when I got home I found a big letter from Somerset. I opened and read.
I remembered why I am leaving. I remember the reason to getting a job because I have several order forms to buy loads of cool stuff. I'm easily going to eat up a grand buying it all.
Then I find all the information about New York. How did that bad boy slip my mind!?!
February, that is when I shall be going, all permitting.
It's all very exciting and has put me at ease because I thought they might of forgot about me with the lack of letters before today.
As of tomorrow 12:00pm, I'll be unemployed. I've wanted it for so long, but I'm going to miss it despite it all. Yet when I walk out those doors it will truly feel as if a weight has been lifted. I will exhale and it will feel amazing. But you know what the first thing that I will want to do when I come home at Christmas? Go to Morrisons.
Monday 2 August 2010
I could possibly be fading, or have something more to gain.
I don't find takeaway food at all appetising anymore. Almost, there will be the few times where I would kill for some, but most of the times these days I can't stand it. I speak of it because this was tea, or dinner, or whatever you wish to dub the evening meal.
I walked into the kitchen after and it smelled of pizza and kebab and there was leftovers left all over the place. Usually I would of gorged to pain, but I just felt repulsed, and shame for what I had just eaten.
Much like when having a wank, when you talk dirty to yourself and that woman in your head, and then when the deed is done you just feel like you are looking at yourself with disgust and shame.
Vulgar? Too far? I have decided this is not so.
We look back at how square people used to be throughout the ages with their taboos and such, but we still have just as many these days. I am for the openness and freedom of conversation. Just the other day Dave and I were sat in his car in traffic commentating on every woman that went by. It was the first time I have done that outside of my own head and it was so much more rewarding. I felt good and honest, even if I was disrespecting all those women.
I'm feeling extremely mellow right now, with an added bonus of discontent. I feel a cold coming on possibly which doesn't help matters, but it's pretty much down to the same old things running round my head.
I get caught up in things, I get happy and then I feel like I am becoming like just another nameless face leading just another pointless existence and that I have left behind the real Dan. The naive idealist, I think that is what he is. Definitely naive, I know that much.
Something Beautiful, the book I am reading helps and doesn't. It is the stem of my somber state. a guy going on holiday to New York and decided just to stay. Familiar? This is why I draw parallels, this was the crazy idea I had the other year. Not a sound one, but not that people were aware of this and so I think this is why people looked down their noses at me. No, just more escapism. I get caught up in day dreams and fantasise about things going right for me. I speak in a past tense now for things do work out really well for me and my day dreams are all of my future and centered around my possible life's direction.
But my school years were normal, but to me they felt more tragic than the rest. Purely and simply because I never got the girl I wanted. Hopeless and pathetic but maybe I'm just a hopeless, pathetic romantic. Hmm, I use the adjective pathetic a lot these days, I do think highly of myself, I stress this.
But back to my escapism, silly day dreams about American girls. It was just because of my ever increasing single life. No ones fault but my own, I should of been outgoing but what can you do? At least it has all lead me to this good place. Away from those ridiculous ideas of ever loving one person, and not understanding how I could love another person after loving another. Crazy. Now I'm fully educated and can see full well how you can love another person after one love has fallen through.
I'm not going off on a tangent, honest, because back to my book, I want to do something like that, I want to travel in such a raw way. But this book is pre-9/11, things are probably more strict now yet it's not just my naivety but I am sure that in a world of six billion, one person can be an ambling ghost.
I know it's a lot harder than that, but please, I beg, do not destroy my ideas.
What else is incredible about this book is how it seems so surreal, like a story book. We get brought up and told that we go to school, get a job, get married, have kids and die. Sheltered and linear. Whereas I'm reading about this guy who just turns up at a ranch and works there for a few months. It's wonderful, and because it is true it has given me more hope and belief in the human heart, for there are so many good souls out there.
So yes, my current mood is pretty much me getting hung up on my own existence and not making the most of the time I have.
Yet. A big old but. I think my desire to love is a huge one. Not just for security and the other things, I want to love just to share love. Embrace all the feelings. I have just seen so much fail around me, and crazy versions of love which are full of bitterness and resentment. I want to be different.
Exact same reason for why I want to be a father. I want to be the father I never had.
So that can be my dilemma sometimes. I think I want to soak up the world and it's cultures but is it just pure and simple love that is my one desire. My one reason of existence?
You can see why it makes me sombre, it fills my head with big heavy clouds.
However I can always find the silver lining to clouds.
I have me alone for a good while now, not in a sad way, just an independent way. And thankfully to because I have found who I am. I look back to being in school and all I knew about me then was what music I liked and what things to wear to fit in with my clique.
But now, I know who I am. I am Dan. I know every corner of me, from my toes to my nose. There is nothing I can hide from myself.
This is going off at a tangent. The silver lining to the clouds in my head are I have been alone so therefore I general think as a single entity. Just myself.
I forget that I will meet someone amazing.
Hopefully she will be as amazing as I imagine and that I'll for fill her as she will for fill me.
And if she is perfect, then I needn't worry about living a sheltered, linear life, because she will want what I want, or support me, or whatever perfect women do.
Everything will work out, I bet.
I came up early to bed but now it is getting on. Probably because I went on.
Getting dark now. The year is slowing down now and it makes me a bit sad. I noticed it the other morning when I was going to work and I was used to the sun being up, but it was only rising.
Luckily I only have four more mornings left because I'd probably get over emotional about the ever fading light in the mornings.
Anyway, I think some more escapism is needed in the form of The OC.
And speaking of which, both escapism and The OC, The Amazing Adventure of Kavalier and Clay arrived today. Finally.
I have such good feelings about it. I'm so excited to read it, like foaming at the bit!
I sense that this may be my favourite book.
I hope so.
I have been learning this. I say learning, the song is pretty much two lines repeated. But it's lovely.
And fits with my state of mind.
I walked into the kitchen after and it smelled of pizza and kebab and there was leftovers left all over the place. Usually I would of gorged to pain, but I just felt repulsed, and shame for what I had just eaten.
Much like when having a wank, when you talk dirty to yourself and that woman in your head, and then when the deed is done you just feel like you are looking at yourself with disgust and shame.
Vulgar? Too far? I have decided this is not so.
We look back at how square people used to be throughout the ages with their taboos and such, but we still have just as many these days. I am for the openness and freedom of conversation. Just the other day Dave and I were sat in his car in traffic commentating on every woman that went by. It was the first time I have done that outside of my own head and it was so much more rewarding. I felt good and honest, even if I was disrespecting all those women.
I'm feeling extremely mellow right now, with an added bonus of discontent. I feel a cold coming on possibly which doesn't help matters, but it's pretty much down to the same old things running round my head.
I get caught up in things, I get happy and then I feel like I am becoming like just another nameless face leading just another pointless existence and that I have left behind the real Dan. The naive idealist, I think that is what he is. Definitely naive, I know that much.
Something Beautiful, the book I am reading helps and doesn't. It is the stem of my somber state. a guy going on holiday to New York and decided just to stay. Familiar? This is why I draw parallels, this was the crazy idea I had the other year. Not a sound one, but not that people were aware of this and so I think this is why people looked down their noses at me. No, just more escapism. I get caught up in day dreams and fantasise about things going right for me. I speak in a past tense now for things do work out really well for me and my day dreams are all of my future and centered around my possible life's direction.
But my school years were normal, but to me they felt more tragic than the rest. Purely and simply because I never got the girl I wanted. Hopeless and pathetic but maybe I'm just a hopeless, pathetic romantic. Hmm, I use the adjective pathetic a lot these days, I do think highly of myself, I stress this.
But back to my escapism, silly day dreams about American girls. It was just because of my ever increasing single life. No ones fault but my own, I should of been outgoing but what can you do? At least it has all lead me to this good place. Away from those ridiculous ideas of ever loving one person, and not understanding how I could love another person after loving another. Crazy. Now I'm fully educated and can see full well how you can love another person after one love has fallen through.
I'm not going off on a tangent, honest, because back to my book, I want to do something like that, I want to travel in such a raw way. But this book is pre-9/11, things are probably more strict now yet it's not just my naivety but I am sure that in a world of six billion, one person can be an ambling ghost.
I know it's a lot harder than that, but please, I beg, do not destroy my ideas.
What else is incredible about this book is how it seems so surreal, like a story book. We get brought up and told that we go to school, get a job, get married, have kids and die. Sheltered and linear. Whereas I'm reading about this guy who just turns up at a ranch and works there for a few months. It's wonderful, and because it is true it has given me more hope and belief in the human heart, for there are so many good souls out there.
So yes, my current mood is pretty much me getting hung up on my own existence and not making the most of the time I have.
Yet. A big old but. I think my desire to love is a huge one. Not just for security and the other things, I want to love just to share love. Embrace all the feelings. I have just seen so much fail around me, and crazy versions of love which are full of bitterness and resentment. I want to be different.
Exact same reason for why I want to be a father. I want to be the father I never had.
So that can be my dilemma sometimes. I think I want to soak up the world and it's cultures but is it just pure and simple love that is my one desire. My one reason of existence?
You can see why it makes me sombre, it fills my head with big heavy clouds.
However I can always find the silver lining to clouds.
I have me alone for a good while now, not in a sad way, just an independent way. And thankfully to because I have found who I am. I look back to being in school and all I knew about me then was what music I liked and what things to wear to fit in with my clique.
But now, I know who I am. I am Dan. I know every corner of me, from my toes to my nose. There is nothing I can hide from myself.
This is going off at a tangent. The silver lining to the clouds in my head are I have been alone so therefore I general think as a single entity. Just myself.
I forget that I will meet someone amazing.
Hopefully she will be as amazing as I imagine and that I'll for fill her as she will for fill me.
And if she is perfect, then I needn't worry about living a sheltered, linear life, because she will want what I want, or support me, or whatever perfect women do.
Everything will work out, I bet.
I came up early to bed but now it is getting on. Probably because I went on.
Getting dark now. The year is slowing down now and it makes me a bit sad. I noticed it the other morning when I was going to work and I was used to the sun being up, but it was only rising.
Luckily I only have four more mornings left because I'd probably get over emotional about the ever fading light in the mornings.
Anyway, I think some more escapism is needed in the form of The OC.
And speaking of which, both escapism and The OC, The Amazing Adventure of Kavalier and Clay arrived today. Finally.
I have such good feelings about it. I'm so excited to read it, like foaming at the bit!
I sense that this may be my favourite book.
I hope so.
I have been learning this. I say learning, the song is pretty much two lines repeated. But it's lovely.
And fits with my state of mind.
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