I don't find takeaway food at all appetising anymore. Almost, there will be the few times where I would kill for some, but most of the times these days I can't stand it. I speak of it because this was tea, or dinner, or whatever you wish to dub the evening meal.
I walked into the kitchen after and it smelled of pizza and kebab and there was leftovers left all over the place. Usually I would of gorged to pain, but I just felt repulsed, and shame for what I had just eaten.
Much like when having a wank, when you talk dirty to yourself and that woman in your head, and then when the deed is done you just feel like you are looking at yourself with disgust and shame.
Vulgar? Too far? I have decided this is not so.
We look back at how square people used to be throughout the ages with their taboos and such, but we still have just as many these days. I am for the openness and freedom of conversation. Just the other day Dave and I were sat in his car in traffic commentating on every woman that went by. It was the first time I have done that outside of my own head and it was so much more rewarding. I felt good and honest, even if I was disrespecting all those women.
I'm feeling extremely mellow right now, with an added bonus of discontent. I feel a cold coming on possibly which doesn't help matters, but it's pretty much down to the same old things running round my head.
I get caught up in things, I get happy and then I feel like I am becoming like just another nameless face leading just another pointless existence and that I have left behind the real Dan. The naive idealist, I think that is what he is. Definitely naive, I know that much.
Something Beautiful, the book I am reading helps and doesn't. It is the stem of my somber state. a guy going on holiday to New York and decided just to stay. Familiar? This is why I draw parallels, this was the crazy idea I had the other year. Not a sound one, but not that people were aware of this and so I think this is why people looked down their noses at me. No, just more escapism. I get caught up in day dreams and fantasise about things going right for me. I speak in a past tense now for things do work out really well for me and my day dreams are all of my future and centered around my possible life's direction.
But my school years were normal, but to me they felt more tragic than the rest. Purely and simply because I never got the girl I wanted. Hopeless and pathetic but maybe I'm just a hopeless, pathetic romantic. Hmm, I use the adjective pathetic a lot these days, I do think highly of myself, I stress this.
But back to my escapism, silly day dreams about American girls. It was just because of my ever increasing single life. No ones fault but my own, I should of been outgoing but what can you do? At least it has all lead me to this good place. Away from those ridiculous ideas of ever loving one person, and not understanding how I could love another person after loving another. Crazy. Now I'm fully educated and can see full well how you can love another person after one love has fallen through.
I'm not going off on a tangent, honest, because back to my book, I want to do something like that, I want to travel in such a raw way. But this book is pre-9/11, things are probably more strict now yet it's not just my naivety but I am sure that in a world of six billion, one person can be an ambling ghost.
I know it's a lot harder than that, but please, I beg, do not destroy my ideas.
What else is incredible about this book is how it seems so surreal, like a story book. We get brought up and told that we go to school, get a job, get married, have kids and die. Sheltered and linear. Whereas I'm reading about this guy who just turns up at a ranch and works there for a few months. It's wonderful, and because it is true it has given me more hope and belief in the human heart, for there are so many good souls out there.
So yes, my current mood is pretty much me getting hung up on my own existence and not making the most of the time I have.
Yet. A big old but. I think my desire to love is a huge one. Not just for security and the other things, I want to love just to share love. Embrace all the feelings. I have just seen so much fail around me, and crazy versions of love which are full of bitterness and resentment. I want to be different.
Exact same reason for why I want to be a father. I want to be the father I never had.
So that can be my dilemma sometimes. I think I want to soak up the world and it's cultures but is it just pure and simple love that is my one desire. My one reason of existence?
You can see why it makes me sombre, it fills my head with big heavy clouds.
However I can always find the silver lining to clouds.
I have me alone for a good while now, not in a sad way, just an independent way. And thankfully to because I have found who I am. I look back to being in school and all I knew about me then was what music I liked and what things to wear to fit in with my clique.
But now, I know who I am. I am Dan. I know every corner of me, from my toes to my nose. There is nothing I can hide from myself.
This is going off at a tangent. The silver lining to the clouds in my head are I have been alone so therefore I general think as a single entity. Just myself.
I forget that I will meet someone amazing.
Hopefully she will be as amazing as I imagine and that I'll for fill her as she will for fill me.
And if she is perfect, then I needn't worry about living a sheltered, linear life, because she will want what I want, or support me, or whatever perfect women do.
Everything will work out, I bet.
I came up early to bed but now it is getting on. Probably because I went on.
Getting dark now. The year is slowing down now and it makes me a bit sad. I noticed it the other morning when I was going to work and I was used to the sun being up, but it was only rising.
Luckily I only have four more mornings left because I'd probably get over emotional about the ever fading light in the mornings.
Anyway, I think some more escapism is needed in the form of The OC.
And speaking of which, both escapism and The OC, The Amazing Adventure of Kavalier and Clay arrived today. Finally.
I have such good feelings about it. I'm so excited to read it, like foaming at the bit!
I sense that this may be my favourite book.
I hope so.
I have been learning this. I say learning, the song is pretty much two lines repeated. But it's lovely.
And fits with my state of mind.
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