Good morning, wintery showers!

These last few days of March have been dragging their heels big time, but now they can't drag no more as tomorrow is April.
April means I can plant my pumpkin ready for Hallowe'en. Writing this I have only just realised I probably wont be here at Hallowe'en, this means he'll probably die at the hands of my mother's green fingers. Unless I kill it first.
And April also means I'm all the more closer to Third Eye Blind.

Had a little shopping trip today, got the usual unconnected things like lots of gelatin and a book on mythology. Whatever keeps me busy.

They'd be a picture here of a hand cast I made, however I wasn't all that liberal with the vaseline and now I have less hair on my arm.
I might try again now as I'm fresh out of things to do. Plus, what's better than watching tv while painting latex over body parts? That's right, nothing.

Pizza.

Shush, my head hurts. Big time headache, I'm assuming it's a headache but I can't rule out that someone didn't drive an ice pick into my brain last night. If they did, they did a very clean job of it.
We do have a new person at work now. I like it, I can delegate. Or today I just hid round the back while she watched the counter. Pretending to do work is so much more rewarding.
I can't wait till next week because I'm sure I'm back to my much beloved three day week. I haven't checked the rota this week to see if it has been changed, I dare not incase it has.

I'm waiting for my pizza to cook. I'm really excited about it, like everything. It's one of those Pizza Express ones. I come in from work and find a note that leads me to pizza, I'm sure this is how a king must live.
And to think I thought I would just come and sleep when I got in, pizza always beats sleep.
I love pizza, more so now than when I was a wee child.

Ego Opinion Art & Commerce.

Nope, I just couldn't help myself. Last night I decided to do nothing and just play guitar. It was lush.
I tried to learn Motorcycle Drive By again. It's a picking song whereas I'm a strummer but at the moment I have the first four chords down to a tee. I think the problem will not lie in learning to play them all, no, it will be remembering each different chord change and plucking pattern.
I'll make sure it becomes second nature eventually.
My fingers hurt lots though, after being absent from it for ages my fingers became all soft and fleshy like normal fingers. And on my other hand I have a bone splinter in it which I can't see or get out, I'm guessing my body will push it out itself eventually.

Today I discovered Johnny Cash's American Recordings, all six of 'em. They are marvelous to say the least. And it's a good step because I really want to delve into country music and the blues. Listening to him in the car today I had that excited feeling in my stomach and felt as if I was bursting at the seams with joy.
My evening out was lovely too, my gran's birthday so we went to see her again. I love this, going to see her all the time, just another in a long list of what has made this year beautiful. I made a cake, not just any old cake. This cake recipe has a little history too it. Back in the day Neighbours always used to have someone making a chocolate cake in each episode and when my gran lived in New Zealand she me someone who was somehow affiliated with Neighbours, either directly or indirectly and she happened to have the recipe that the show used. And so this cake recipe entered our family and I sure did i justice with my kitchen skills.
I've never been one for family bonds and such, family is just something that you have and it's there but the more stories I hear the more and more I feel proud to be part of it. And with our family there are so many people and crossing paths there is an endless supply of amazing stories.

I'm so excited about seeing Third Eye Blind again. Why can't I be a little more at ease? Because it's going to the best night of my life so far, and it will forever remain in the top five I would think. It'll probably go something like: wife, children, Third Eye Blind. Unless of course the kids are twats and I divorce the wife.
This year has really come to prove itself as the best year ever. I had no intentions or hopes for it when it was starting which is probably why I am loving everything so much. Everything is one pleasant surprise after another, some small and some huge.
I've also been thinking that I finally feel like myself. I feel like Dan, and I fit into every piece of me. There is nothing wrong with my past but I always felt as if I was doing things for other people with my knowledge of it or not. Or school, you do things there because you are told to do them. Now I do things because I want to do them, every choice is my own and I don't have to factor anyones feelings because my thoughts are all very selfish now. I think about me and what I want and where I want to end up.
I wont be as bold to say that for eighteen years I have been a shell of a person, even if at times it has felt that way, because I've always been me and everything lead to here. Just right now I feel incredibly happy and all this happiness is generated by yours truly.
Life is freakin' sweet, nay, my life is freakin' sweet!

And on that list, The Goo Goo Dolls would come in fourth. 

Day light saving.

It does exactly as it says, saves daylight, so it has a really good and informing name.
I'm loving it already, a long sunny evening is my favourite and they are only going to get longer and sunnier until Autumn time.

I've been wondering what this summer will yield, I'm not so sure. I've already declined invites to two festivals this summer. It pained me but I need to be earning and not spending and then I'm going to Greece with about €300.
I'm happy with this though, I think a long, simple summer will be wonderful. Especially after the last two have started with the words: this will be the best summer ever!
No, no, some things don't need so much effort to be good.
Plus, I just want to sit outside all summer with Rory, beer and pizza.

Is yesterday, tomorrow, today?

Is it Saturday already? Not a serious question, I'm just expressing how I feel that time this week has flown by. It seemed like it was Sunday only yesterday.
Word on the grape vine, our department is getting two new people. New people, new rota and Rob back off holiday is surly going to mean that I go back to normal hours. This will be good as time is fast being eaten up and I have lots to do.

I like having an answer now when people ask me what I want to do with my life. Assuming I don't run away and join the circus, literally or not.

Hardcore Days & Softcore Nights.

Ever have those days when everything you touch turns to gold? Well today I was anything but an alchemist.
It's all good because I counted that it's less than four months before I hand in my notice at work. I'm such a pussy, can't hack anything that even resembles hard work. But what's the point, easy going life is far more rewarding.

Watched Paranormal Activity last night. I was very pleasantly surprised by it. I thought it would just be another disappointing handheld camera movie, but no it was pretty good. Big, fat, still, wide angle shots which you can't help but stare at no matter how much you don't want to. And it's the paranormal, sure fire way to unnerve me. And the ending, it kept with the simple theme of the film and didn't go for some big old (and shitty) paranormal twist. Nope, just simple honest fun.

Shower.

This tree is one eager beaver. I wonder if he is the first to blossom in Buxton.
I always forget that things blossom in spring but that doesn't change a thing, it's still my least favourite season. Lambs are about too, still nothing.

All these extra hours I'm doing are annoying, and tiring and I'm always thinking about the other things I could and should be doing. However it really is going to make a huge difference, like thousands of pounds of a difference.
One day I'll have the perfect layabout job, and I look forward to that day. Money is all the sweeter if you don't have to work hard for it.

Life, the universe and everything.

If a hundred people sleep and dream, each of them will experience a different world in his dream. Everyone's dream might be said to be true, but it would be meaningless to ascertain that only one person's dream was the true world and all others were fallacies. There is truth for each perceiver according to the karmic patterns conditioning his perceptions. 

I started to read The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying again. It's still really good and provokes so many thoughts in me and draws parallels with things I think about.
I'm still no closer to knowing what box I would tick on a form that asks me my religion.
I get thinking about it all and then I think about how I would be an awful buddhist because I couldn't be a hundred percent compassionate all the time and there would be all the other things too. But then I think that that is only normal because I am just a flawed human and I'm not enlightened. To-and-fro, to-and-fro.
Then I think that I could never reach enlightenment because I wouldn't be a hardcore follower of teachings, but then I think that I might get kudos for not being a follower and doing things in my own way, no sheep, no shepherds, just me and my mind. To-and-fro.
Yet I am starting to think there might just be something after death. I was thinking about this last night along with the feeling of being so drunk you can't remember anything.
When you are living you are aware of it and you a remembering things right as they are occurring. And when you are drunk you are still remembering things, you might say something like "I'm so drunk I wont remember this in the morning" but you are aware that you're saying it and therefore you remember it.
Now when you reach that state of drunkenness when you can no longer remember you remember nothing at all. You're not aware of anything that is unfolding in that instant so you might as well not even exist as far as you mind goes.
Now back to the grand scheme of things: We are aware that we are alive and living and existing and everything like that so there can't just be a point where everything switches off.
The point being that if we are aware of everything now there is something and will be something, because if there was nothing we would be aware of nothing at all and it would just be like being so drunk we can remember fuck all.
It made perfect sense to me last night when I explained it to myself, so that is all that matters.

I am fully aware that it's the people I am around that bring out what's good in me and last night I went to see my gran again. We got talking about the paranormal at one point and if I had been talking to anyone else telling me their stories I wouldn't believe them and just think they are crazy, but this is my gran and therefore I believe every word. Now I want to go to Bodmin Jail.
Our family is more susceptible to the paranormal and I like to believe that I am too because I get premonitions. Shitty ones albeit but it's better than nothing.
I was very happy last night and felt really happy being part of the family. I still feel a little empty when I think I have no family name to be proud of. I should be called Dan Quinn but I don't like it, he sounds like he would be a right dick. Roberts isn't my name and it technically shouldn't of been my mothers maiden name. I think it should of been Smith and the name Smith is nothing special and Dan Smith sounds so boring. I like Dan Roberts though, or maybe I'm just used to it. It's no name to be proud of.

Sometimes a walk in the rain is really nice.
Today has been a good post. Better if I had a massive audience but I'll take what I can get.

Like a bridge over troubled water.

Finally, a real day off. It's been good.
Started it with Hostel: Part Two and making a model arm. It reminded me that this is what I want to do, cover naked women in gallons of fake blood. Except on a good film because Part Two was just as bad as the first Hostel. The first one was better as it was more gory yet it was not as bad as it said it would be.
I'm getting into American Chopper loads! It's always on and I never watched it as I thought it wouldn't be for me. Happy to say that I was wrong.

I've been listened to Bridge Over Troubled Water a lot recently. It's a very enjoyable album. And who knew; Art Garfunkle is a person and that person is Simon's Garfunkle. Well, I bet the whole world knew but I have only just found this out.

I need some stamps. I have many a letter to send tomorrow. Something to do on my lunch hour.

I want to make a hannya mask. I'll do this next week if Ash turns up so I don't have a sad, long week at work. Then I'll make a realistic and horrific mask. I'll need some gelatin.

Obamacare!

So yeah, Obama passed that free health care thing he wanted even if most of America didn't want it. Way to go. I don't follow politics, it's not a pleasure of mine but free health care is a good thing.
The rich Americans complain, they think giving everyone health care is going to make the whole system shite. Yes, I'm sure the doctors will become stupid and drugs will become less effective from the extra work. There's more to it than that but I just let is pass over my head.
And hey, good job Scrubs pretty much ended because then where would the dilemmas be when a patient comes in without insurance.

I've caught up with CSI now, season nine is done. What a poor finale, it's not worthy of being called a finale as it was just like the end of any old episode. The barrel has been scraped so thin that there is almost nothing left. But there is the odd snippet of prettiness and good characters. And either it's become predictable or I have been watching it too long as I called the ending. I said that it had to end with Langston shooting someone because of a remark he made earlier.
Rescue Me as well. It's brilliant. Hilarious. Sean and Mike are so thick, the conversations they have make me laugh endlessly.
And it has fire engines. Phwoar.
I like the camerawork in it too, just like I like the lighting in CSI.
Good tv is good.

I ache to play guitar. I will soon. Once that portfolio is done I'm just going to sit and play and play and play. And by then it should be warm so I can sit outside and do this all day long.

Soon be over.

I do like beer, I'd say it's one of my favourite drinks to drink.
Woke up today at high noon meaning I got a full on twelve hours sleep, but it sure didn't feel like it.
Day spent like a slug, being all sluggish and what not.
Six hours of Miami Ink and three drawings, yet today has by far been the most productive day of this week.
This year is flying by already, it's almost April and the sun it's showing it's face more often. The first half of last year seemed to take forever, this year is a lovely contrast of that.
And come September I might never ever live in Buxton again, what a thought that is.

I'm so full of curry. Sadly, it was a dissapointing curry.
I also think I have tennis elbow. I know, crazy, I don't even play tennis. But it aches a good deal of the time and has been for a fair few weeks now. My entire body is just shit at everything. It gets aches and creaks all the time. This is just one reason on a long list of reasons why I never want to get old.

I wouldn't believe your radio.

They say you never get a second chance for a first impression. I say they are right because as the name suggests it's first, you only have one first.
I don't think this matters because I have been thinking about how many times people make their first impressions on me only for it not to matter down the road.
I can think someone is a complete dick to begin with only to realise that they are in fact a good person, and vice versa.

I'm saying it again but I can't stress how good True Blood is. It's no Firefly obviously but it's so beautiful, every single bit of it. I sometimes think I should read the books, just like I should read the Dexter books, but I don't think I'll get round to that any time soon. I enjoy the show too much.

I'm so happy that it's Saturday night. Because of holidays and illnesses I have worked six whole days in a row. It's hurt me, I'm not cut out for this working malarkey. Next week is ever so slightly more forgiving which is good as I need to get cracking on with stuff.

I want to go to London, I told you that I care.

I wonder if I get irritable when I am tired, because I'm always feeling tired at the moment. I can't answer this question so I should really ask someone else, but I don't care enough.

Today I got my letter for Somerset saying my interview is in May, I thought: Awesome! Until I read that it was on the thirteenth of May.
The instant answer was no. I can't miss Third Eye Blind for some stupid interview which could pave the way for future decisions. Fuck no. It's always been about Third Eye Blind and it always will.
What are the chances of having the two things coinciding on the same day? Quite high if you think about it, the interview would have to be between now and September. But then everyone needs to be informed if they have a place over the summer so that pretty much takes away August, July and maybe June. Then because I applied late they wouldn't give me an interview too soon so that takes away March as well which leaves us with April and May and maybe a bit of June, so that there would mean a one in sixty to ninety chance of falling on May the thirteenth.
And in the world of numbers, ninety is tiny.

I'm not sure why I have suddenly fallen for Somerset. I mean they have a pretty pretty pattern on their website. And it's far away. And it's a place with a beautiful name. And it's down the road from Glastonbury. And it's far away.
The more I think of it the more I think I might do an art foundation for a year instead of going all in for make up from the get go. I say this because I like the sound of the make up courses that require more arty qualifications. Such as Bournemouth, and if I go there I get to live by the sea!
All my dreams are coming true. Third Eye Blind, the sea, all my dreams.

Other news: My finger really hurts. I think I punched something this morning but I was too tired then so now I struggle to recall the actual facts.

It goes on & on & on & on & on.

I hope I'm the one to be doing the pies tomorrow. I remember when I thought doing the chickens was new and slightly more fun.
I'm so sleepy.
It's getting warmer and warmer, I notice this as I walk about and realise my chosen hoodie was the wrong choice. I think this summer will have lots of Stereophonics in it because they have that feel to them, just like The Thrills.
The Thrills were on the radio at work, the bakery was all mine so I might of sang to the content of my heart.
So much for the city.
It was St. Patrick's Day yesterday and I never knew. This is how much I care about the world and it's flags.

Sookie could Stack my House.

When I go up to bed now, I go up there to sleep. It is now as the name suggests, a room for just my bed. Because of this I have a big old back log of Rescue Me and Shameless to watch.
I need more time. I know if you eat another man's heart you gain his courage but do you also gain his time?
I say I need more time, I'm doing shit all tonight as I fancy doing nothing at all. Made myself some lovely food and digested in front on the tv.
It has been a while since I have cooked something good. I can't believe I even considered doing a catering course. It was just a passing thought, came and went in a fortnight, but I would never like to work in a kitchen. I'd still like to own some pretty eatery, at the moment I'm wanting a Merlotte's style bar.
I love True Blood. It's truly amazing. I can't believe I almost didn't watch it.
Last week I especially liked how Jason said the exact right words he should of. I don't like Jessica, she's not pretty despite what all the folk are saying.
I miss Amy, she was perfect. Apart from the V addiction and the other problems that stemmed from that but she was pretty and travelled and made jewelry. Everyone loves a traveling jewelry maker.

It's time to check my eyelids for holes.

My day off has felt more like a day at work as I was at work. Someone was ill so I was covering.
It'll put me in a good standing when I start saying I can't do certain days or have to go off to interviews.
I wasn't best pleased to begin with as I was looking forward to a day to myself even if I just did have a week of my own.
It wasn't all bad.
People thought I was a real hard worker today, with everything being so clean. It's not true, I was just a complete cluts today, spilling several buckets of water everywhere. At least everything is now clean.
Soon be April and then I go back to slightly more normal hours once everyones got their holidays done.

I literally have nothing to say. My mind feels all peaceful and empty. It's lovely.

Sixteen and twelve.

Dear me I forgot early mornings.
I was listening to my iPod last night and Motorcycle Drive By came on. I get excited about listening to this song and last night was no different. But then my iPod went and died before he could even finish the first word. Summerti...
It was a small sad moment for me there.
Stephan Jenkins, you giant tease!

I miss Rory. I haven't had a talk with him for ages now and it was longer still since I had a real heart to heart with him. I'm enjoying doing my portfolio so it's not all bad.
I thought I wouldn't get to play guitar for ages but once interviews are done and gone I'll be able to do anything without thinking about how my time could be better spent.
I've been saying to myself that I wont stop drawing and make upping and such as soon as I don't need to, but I don't much faith in what I say.
I could fill my time by writing a novel. Then adapt it into a screenplay ready for when someone wants to turn it into a film.

I wanna do real bad things with you.

I've been lazy with this recently. I'm not bothered and today I'm going to be even more lazy.
I love True Blood and I love the intro sequence just as much. I watch it every time even if I can fast forward it.
The next best intro would have to be Band of Brothers, both of which are HBO shows. HBO go all out with their intro sequences. And speaking of HBO, The Pacific starts this Easter. I've been looking forward to it for the best part of a year or more.

I do love brown.

Goodness me I was rough this morning. When I got home I tried to have more wine but it just wasn't going to happen. And today I made a regrettable mistake and it's one I have made a few times before without learning. Never ever eat chips for breakfast. I thought long and hard about what I wanted to avoid masses of grease, a chip bap wasn't void of grease.
I'm only just coming back to the land of the living with the help of potato cakes and crumpets.

Seeing my gran last night was great. She is my favourite person in the world, I cannot stress how much this is so. She gave me a book and I shall start that tonight I think. A Michael Crichton one. My favourite author from my favourite person.

Bought some carpet with my dad today. Saw my room there and it is well lush. I found a book of mine there too, one full of photographs from World War II which will give me more to do now. So much so that I will have to get a new sketchbook tomorrow.

I have nothing much to say at all today other than I am not looking forward to going back to work next week. I went to see the rota today and once again I get to work five out of seven days. It's not full time hours so I can't complain that much but I never want to work again after this week off. I've had a great little week to myself and it's lasted forever.
I wish I had a job that involved very little work. Here if I am at work for four hours I am working for four hours unlike the radio station where I would be at work for six hours but only do and hour and a half's work. Expending too much energy is not my game

Geishas and water lilies.

Bollocks. This was what I thought this morning.I got a letter today from one of my colleges saying thanks and we'll invite you to an interview soon. It's good but as soon as I have that date I'm going to be doubting everything and thinking I have to little.
I got a thank you letter from UNICEF too so I can't complain, at least I didn't grow up on the streets raising my siblings. Nope, my dilemmas are far from important.
Now though, I'm feeling great as I did two big pieces today that I am pleased with. And for me to please myself like that is pretty big.
Another thing which is big news, I'm going to see my gran tonight with my mum. Long story short the past seven or more years they haven't spoken for reasons, both were too stubborn to change that until Facebook came along. Really, is there anything that site can't do?
Yeah, so keeping it short they are now talking and we're going across very soon.

I think I'll tidy my room over the weekend because it's a mess and has been for too long to remember. It'll take all weekend to tidy but it needs to be done as I'm sure to find lost treasures. Like just now I found the oil pastels I stole from school, definitely a good move Past Dan.
And I stood on something that went through my flip flop and into my foot, and when you can't walk into your room with footwear on and still escape unscathed then you now it's about time to clean it up.
I think I'm carpet shopping tomorrow. It would be a fun journey but it's with my father.
I was going to go there tonight as I haven't slept there since Christmas but once again I have a better offer. A real offer this time, a night out, sometimes a better offer can just be a night in the cellar.
My room is decorated there, all new, I should go see it in all it's glory. Beautiful and brown and awash with blue and hibiscus flowers. Could it be anymore Dan?

Angels & Airwaves come early this year.

I sat outside today in flip flops enjoying the light and putting my week off to great use. For about half an hour and my hands began to stop working.
Now half my mouth isn't working from my trip to the dentist. Yesterday I spilt my beer and tonight I can't drink any as it all just leaks out the other side.
But I'm all happy about this, I feel all content and warm sat in this corner because earlier I couldn't help but think everyone had died. When you have no idea where everyone is and the only explanation is a horrific car accident. No one died, well, no one I care about.
It's still very much love/hate with paint. I suppose it's only right that I can't pick up a brush and be good right off, but damn it I wish it wasn't so.
I'm also creating a little world for myself with the work I am doing and I'd much rather stay here than go chase a career. Dangerous times because only last week I was all stoked for make up.

I saw a cat cross the road while I was walking home tonight and it did it in a fashion that would indicate some intellingence. I don't like cats.
I also saw a BMW G5 bike in town. No doubt it belongs to my best friend I'm yet to meet, but it's a good sign that he's in Buxton.

Spilt milk.

Nearly forgot about this tonight.
Not much to say other than I spilt my glass of beer before. I had just one sip before deciding to share it with the floor. I'm not exagerating, it really was the saddest thing to happen to me for ages. I was looking forward to it lots and lots.
I'm been feeling a little pissed of with myself of late because of my good sleeping pattern. I'm up at eight each morning, get up and do something. Everyday has a reason to get up for but it's then a real battle to see anything after eleven at night. I stayed up past midnight last night and it might as well of been four o'clock in the morning by the way I felt.
I'm always falling asleep when my head hits the pillow too. It's great in a way, a good routine filled with excellent sleep but I still feel annoyed at myself for whatever reason.
I feel like a bit of a pussy with these constant early nights.

I really need to do some make up as I am fast forgetting that is what I want to do.

Lists.

There was a good deal more to this but I then I just started to ramble on about little things that have been said countless times already. 

So for the sake of sweetness and simplicity here we are: 

I finished watching Long Way Round last night. Like the end of all programs I watch it was an emotional ordeal. 

I forgot how brilliant Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness is. I forget this all too often because I only put it on when I know I am going to be busy for a good while as it's a good two hour album. This time round I think I wont forget how good it is. 

I wonder if it's in my top five, I'll have to list them to see if it fits. 

1. In The Aeroplane Over The Sea
2. Back In The Bottle
3. Third Eye Blind 
4. Blinking Lights And Other Revelations 
5. ...

Hmm, well I'm not sure what number five is so maybe Mellon Collie could be in it. I can't pick my top five for more things. Look, here's songs:

1. Back In The Bottle
2. Motorcycle Drive By
3. Two Headed Boy
4. Andy Climb Down
5. Sulliven Street/Paint The Silence/Oh Sister/Looking For Stephen/Wait For Jane/Waiting For My Real Life To Begin/Sympathy/Two Days In February/Johnny Appleseed/Heaven/(White Man) In Hammersmith Palais. 

I could go on, and each one would be worthy of being in the top five. I'm sure the final one to get into the top five is a song I'm yet to hear, likewise with the album. 

Now how about films:

1. Leon
2. The Dark Knight
3. Pulp Fiction 
4. Serenity 
5. Jurassic Park

That was easy. So it would seem I have already seen all the best films already. 

It seems that everything is growing in a thousand different ways.

It's been just the day I needed today. Yesterday we went to the the midlands and it made me hate the country as I found everything I looked at disgusting, but today we went for a drive around the High Peak and it was glorious. I was happy to call it home.
We were so high in the hills we found a road which was still covered with snow. Looking around it seemed we had found the top of the world but it was merely the highest village in the UK.
We went to some riding places on business calls and I wanted to go riding so badly. We might do in Greece and if so that will be amazing. I'm sure it's just like riding a bike, I hope it is too because I'd like a good old canter through the woods.
After the glorious drive in the glorious sun it was suggested we go have dinner at the pub. I wanted to want to have a caesar salad but the burger urge was too great. It was still a good decision.
It was just a really pleasant day spent in the country which made me very happy.

Knackered once I got home but I really wanted to make the rest of the afternoon worthwhile. Black coffee and paint. I got cracking with something I have wanted to do for almost a year. I like paint now, I'm going to do a canvas this week because I'm feeling that way inclined.
I should do make up too but, you know.
I also want to learn how to do clouds.
I like all the good things people are saying about me, I like feeling people behind me. It's giving me good confidence. But it's like the issue with people calling me clever, I think people are praising me for more than my worth.
I feel myself getting better though. My brain is able to talk to my hands better and it's also full of images and working out what will look good and how will I do that.
I'm still feeling a bit weird when I think about courses and what not. I don't feel like I am at all good enough to be considering them.

And The Hurt Locker totally owned Avatar at the Oscar's. I cannot tell you how happy that this makes me.

Dear Chris,

I've never done something like this, not really anyway. I mean I write this to an audience of none and I wrote a year long journal that will never have eyes grace it again so this is similar in a way. A way that this wont ever be read in the way that I am writing it, but the process of writing it is an important process so I'm doing it anyway.
Today was strange. Last night I went to sleep without music and thought that it was weird to surround myself in silence when all the time I surround myself in noise. Today was even more silent.
And tear filled. I hate hearing a persons voice break.
I didn't cry today though, but here me out first. My crazy logic told me that because we all miss you we don't need to cry to express that. Oh no, because we miss you so much it just shows what a happy effect you had on everyone and we should therefore express ourselves with laughter, smiles and talking. What do you think?
I was in no place to say any of this today because I wasn't the bearer of the greatest amount of grief, plus I have a far from normal outlook on life and death.
But I still think that more talking should of been involved because everyone was there so everyone would of had a good story and there is very few other times where so many of us would be in one place. We have all the time to sit in a sad silence, today shouldn't of been such a time.
Share stories and have a great day even if that lead to guilt and more tears later at night, but at least you would of had a chance to be happy and celebrate life in death.
Memories aren't going to live on if they aren't spoken.
But again this is all just me talking.
Speaking of guilt, I felt a lot of that today. At your funeral I felt a great weight on me. I am in the same position in this family that you were in in yours. The older son. I can feel it when people look at me and draw that comparison, I can feel it when people talk about the grief being the same to them if I had died. I want to hide from that sometimes because it makes me feel guilty just by being here. Again, like your funeral, when your parents hugged me it was the strongest hug I have ever felt. Feeling someone hold onto me so badly was the saddest thing I have ever been part of, I promise you that before that day I have never cried so much and still to this day I have never cried so much.
Another thing I feel guilt for is that I never got to be as close to you as I could of. I was a shy person which never helped and I was thrust into new faces. You liked football and I liked to play but didn't have a passion for it and because of that I am sad to admit I never strived to make a connection.
But as the years went on you got more and more into your music. Had a little band with mates and my you were good. Well, you were good for a teen band.
Can't believe you were going to go support The Kooks. You do realise that I still avoid listening to them, I have their album but I have never listened to it all the way through, I'd ask if you'd recommend it but obviously you would.
You also realise that you unintentionally got me into Jack Johnson which then made me focus more on my acoustic guitar which is still the case today. Thank you.
It makes me sad that we never got to share these things. Sit and talk about music and guitars.
Everyone else is going to be feeling the same thing, missing you and missing the what could of beens.
But this really hurts me, it's a guilt I'm going to have all my life but it's one I need.
I'll tell you why. You died during the six week holidays which is a time I like to change myself as it is. Simple things from changing how I write the number seven or the letter a and maybe some more important changes. I always wanted to be more out going but your death and the resulting guilt really pushed me to grasp everything I could, take more chances and all that. I'm still living like that. I thank you again. I'm still not really outgoing, I still have my simple comforts and find some people hard to make conversation with but I believe I lead life to the best I can. And looking at myself in this moment I will be as bold to say that I have done a fucking great job!
I want to ask you about that arboretum place. I don't like it one bit. This place is built on death, so many lives represented in one place yet there is no soul to the place, no character whatsoever. How can that be, really?
Each to their own, and if it helps people to be there then it helps them. Your tree was nice, all evergreen and it made me think that if I had a tree planted in my name I would want one which changes with the seasons. I also hope that I am never remembered in such a way that you have been. Maybe it works for you but it's far from my cup of tea. There was though one beautiful scene. Opposite your tree was this river I think. I say I think because the water was so still I found it hard to believe it could be a river, and across this water were two horse. Two beautiful horses. I'm sure you wont mind that I didn't focus all to hard on the balloon release because I was staring at these horses, soaking up life and not getting hung up on death was the right attitude I'm sure you'll agree.
It would be great to be celebrating your twenty-first with lots of drinks with you, but instead I am here in bed. I still had lots of drink though.
And I will celebrate you each and everyday because you a firmly knitted into the fibres that make me, me. I don't think it's sad to have a death rooted inside me because it makes me love life all the more. What will be sad though is that more people are sure to join you, I'm going to have more dead loved ones becoming a part of me as I go through life and soon enough I will be dead myself and hopefully changing peoples lives for the better.
I wish people looked at death like I do. It may be the end of one life, but it's also a chance for everyone else to realise what they can be doing.
The only problem is that I don't know what to expect from death when he comes a knocking. Most of me thinks there is nothing. Literally nothing. The optimist in me thinks there may be something but then a piece within that makes me think there isn't a thing as "eternal bliss" and that I would take an eternity of nothingness over an eternity of something any day.
Either way it doesn't matter, all that matters is filling in the time between then and now with the things I want.
I've never said this to anyone before so I thought you should be the first. I really wish that you could read it. Maybe you can but I doubt that very much.
I probably shouldn't be so negative when talking to the dead.

Thank you.

P.S. You bastard! Taking that Great Merenzo secret to the grave with you. We'll never know how it was done now.
And I like it that way. I am always guaranteed a smile when I think about that and how the mystery will still live on without you.

Enlighten me.

There is little like painting a buddha to make you feel peaceful. It has made me think that I should carry on reading my book about Buddhism because it is so beautiful and interesting. I will always struggle with finding any concrete belief in life, but I should try harder.

I was complaining about art preparation the other day to someone and how I didn't like it and saw no need for it which is why I did practically none. Yet today I have painted my simple and scaled down buddha just to see if I can do it. Turns out prep wasn't as pointless as I first thought, not quite anyway.

I'm still rocking my high. Filled with Tammany Hall NYC and whatever I feel like doing. I'm enjoying the more broad term of art more than just make up and this is making me ponder about what course I should do. But it doesn't matter greatly because whatever I choose doesn't mean I have to stick strictly to that.
I like the look of Somerset only because when people say Somerset my head is filled with general prettiness. And yes, I am applying to places for their location. Bournemouth looks good to, I think. Their website is broken today so I haven't had a good old look. But I think that will more likely be a place to go after studying something for a year or two.
Maybe I'll just go study loads of courses and be a student till I am thirty and then become a lecturer for one of the things I liked the best. I'll be there with a beard, still rocking the ginger hair, tweed jacket with elbow pads along with glasses teaching tomorrows youth about horror films and make up.
Shit man, I'm getting pretty attached to this fantasy now.
Just another possibility for Future Dan to take.

Now because I'm full to the top with a colourful mood I will talk about the sun. Not the craptacular tabloid, I'm talking about the big old, nuclear fusion ball in the sky.
It decided to grace us with uninterrupted company this week much to the delight of everyone. Myself included and I am also ashamed to say that I too had a Facebook status commenting on the sun.
I did have the Winter Blues before and I thought I craved summer but now with the sun beaming I realise I just wanted some colour.
I forgot how much I love the low winter sun. How it blinds you as you walk into it and it bathes everywhere in that gorgeous light. Love it.

I would be happy if the world were to stay like this forever but I do look forward to dusting off the flip flops and pulling up the shorts. I wanted it to be a summers afternoon the other day after gorging on pub grub, to just lie in the grass and do some intense digesting would of made the day perfect.

I need a haircut. No, I don't need one but I want one. It can be like taming a lion somedays but most days I wake up and it looks great. It's the only heartbreak in my life, I wake up with awesome hair and there is no one to share it with. And when that's your only heartbreak you know that life is treating you bloody great.
I also want a hair cut because of watching Long Way Round. I'm not even going to pretend that it has nothing to do with Ewan McGregor. He's beautiful.

I know that I am meant for this world

I belong somewhere. Not like a real belonging, like a predetermined life or a higher intelligence. No, when I think about things I like I feel I should be out somewhere doing them. 

I always feel out of place when I look out the window. I look out and see the same scene everyday and I hate it. 

I see the same tiny corner of the world every single day and I wish I could be out in it instead of looking at it. 

And I am happy to say that nothing is out of my reach, at least not the things I want to do. 

I love this song so much, it's beautiful. 

I fear that I'm ordinary 
Just like everyone 

To lie here and die among the sorrows 
Drift among the days 

For everything I ever said 
And everything I've ever done is gone and dead 
As all things must surely have to end 
And great lovers will one day have to part 
I know that I am meant for this world 

My life has been extraordinary 
Blessed and cursed and won 

Time heals but I'm forever broken 
By and by the way... 
Have you ever heard the words 
I'm singing in these songs? 

It's for the girl I've loved all along 
Can a taste of love be so wrong? 
As all things must surely have to end 
And great lovers will one day have to part 
I know that I am meant for this world 

And in my mind as I was floating 
Far above the clouds 
Some children laughed 
I'd fall for certain 
For thinking that I'd last 
Forever 

But I knew exactly where I was 
And I knew the meaning of it all 
And I knew the distance to the sun 
And I knew the echo that is love 
And I knew the secrets in your spires 
And I knew the emptiness of youth 
And I knew the solitude of heart 
And I knew the murmurs of the soul 

And the world is drawn into your hands 
And the world is etched upon your heart 
And the world so hard to understand 
Is the world you can't live without 

And I knew the silence of the world...

My body is a cage.

I sure turned that frown upside down.
Kind of.
The other night I was hit with a good amount of panic concerning life and what I want to fill it with. I had been too happy for too long and too focused on certain things. Then all the thoughts I had ignored over the past however many weeks all came at me in one swoop.
I used that to my advantage and pinned myself to the internet for hours planning out things.
Then I needed a break so I watched The Hurt Locker. And so melted away all my previous thoughts of the evening and I was back wondering what I actually want to do with my life. I love films so much and I could work on the sets as a make up artist, but I'm now thinking if I want more. Would being just a small piece of a machine bother me and will that make me want to be a bigger piece. Will I want my name to be known everywhere.
I sure had a lot rolling about my head which made me sink into a sadness. I just felt as if I was back at square one not having a clue on what I want to do.
Because of this I thought I would just sulk my way through the next day, but I was determined to turn my mood into something worthwhile. I wanted to write a song but as always I didn't get much further than thinking about lyrics.
No, instead I listened to Arcade Fire which along with my mood inspired me to make something.
I finished that something today. I'm not sure what to call it, it's just something. More of a mock up, just something to get me doing things and finding what I like best.
It felt like I had reached within myself and pulled out all that negativity and put it out there into a physical form.

After all this, I am still not certain about what I want to do with my life. I'll carry on pursuing what I am doing now but I don't think I will ever have a life long career, it depends on who I meet along the way.
I'm also watching Long Way Round again. I'd love to do something like that but first I will need to find the Charley Boorman to my Ewan McGregor.

Passive aggressive.

This has now been written three times, and deleted three times. I have decided that less is more.

I'm climbing up skyscrapers to a ceiling in the sky.

I forgot how much I loved Tammany Hall NYC. Words cannot describe how much I love them. They are the perfect band for Dan. Big on the acoustic, upbeatness, simplicity. A dash of epic codas and throw in pretty lyrics. And no one knows them so it makes it feel like they belong to just me.
I can now see myself listening to no one else but them for two weeks now. It will be a good two weeks.
I also forgot how much I loved Mythbusters. In particularly, Kari.

She is probably the only real person who isn't fictional that I love. I am in love with her, not some school boy fancy, but she is practically perfect.
She's on maternity leave though (well she was when the new episodes were filmed) so there is a big Kari shaped hole in my life at the moment. I don't like the new co-host but UK Discovery have been stupid and missed out five episodes so she just appeared out of nowhere without introduction. It doesn't matter greatly as there isn't much of a continuity between episodes, but I'd maybe like her more if she had been introduced.
Being a Mythbuster is still the perfect job for me. It's their fault (and horror films) to why I am now finally starting to look at a job I would like.
This now flows nicely onto me watching make up videos on YouTube. It made me feel good, like when a girl might look at an ugly girl and feel good about themselves. I was watching people being proud of their shitty attempts, and it made me feel even better about myself. A good feeling at the expense of those (probably) lovely people.
And the word lovely now links to something else. I did a lovely thing today, I opened a direct debit to UNICEF. So now when I watch tv I will feel twice as good. Not only will I feel better about the organ donor advert, but now the UNICEF advert.
Seriously, you should all join me up here. The view is most wonderful.

Make me smile.

I have been forgetting to express my joy for over a week now. I'm so happy that Avatar didn't win the Best Film BAFTA. It just seems to me that everyone loves it because of it's 3D-ness. I know I say that you can't complain about film physics when you want to watch a film to be entertained, but I am complaining about this because it seems to be more of an attraction than a film.

I'm sure it's a good attraction, but just looking at it a reading about it, it surely can't be a good film because it's the same old story but with new technologies. Neither does it have any good actors, and James Cameron is a dick. 

I still haven't seen Avatar and I don't intend to. Once it's out of the cinemas it will be easy to avoid because the dvd wont match up to the IMAX. 

call me old fashioned but I like films that get you involved by having a good story and good characters and not need to put the film on the end of your nose to "involve" you. 

I would like to think that Avatar wont win many Oscars, but that isn't going to happen. 

I am also not liking that 3D is making yet another comeback. Hopefully this will be just as short lived as all the other attempts to make it last otherwise people will now be thinking lets make it like this as it will look great in 3D. 

And another film in 3D, Alice in Wonderland...

Tim Burton...

Eurgh.

I saw the trailer for it yesterday and I made the quick judgement that it's shit. Tim Burton is someone else I hate. His films pretty much always have the same cast who look like they have just been in an explosion in a chalk factory. I also hate the people that are uber fans of him, with all that Nightmare Before Christmas crap. They make me hurt. 

I hate him so much because he's more of an artist than a director and I also hate artists. Well, not them personally, not really. There are just few artists who I like, that styles for them but not for me. 

I'm just obviously a very picky person. 

But to counteract all this talk of hate, I'll tell you something that I love. 

That Japanese wave painting, I forget the name and who did it but it is one of the few pieces of art I can confidently say that I love it.