tumblr

It suits my needs better now.
I have been hesitant to join for a good while now, but the transition has been a good one.
I can never feel like I can just have a day of small, insignificant posts on here, here I feel things are much proper and correct.
Or that is just how I see blogspot anyway.
Anyway, this is where it's at:

this-is-the-sea.tumblr.com

Rest in piece, mug of mine.

I broke my Mickey Mouse mug. A good mug. It served me well over many, many years.
I've never had a mug for such a length of time as I always break them, or someone breaks them for me.
But this mug survived, and for that, I loved it.
Now it is gone.
I am quite saddened by it's sudden and unjust death, but life must go on and I shall find a new, maybe better, mug.

Karma

Did six good deeds last night.
One good deed today.
As a result of feeling good about myself I am calling it quits with work after sticking in a few photos and shall watch an unhealthy amount of beautiful cinema.
Best thing is, even if I fail my course I'll have a portfolio to get a job.
And anyway, watching films is research in my head.
Well first I will do some work, that beauty mask thing. I'll attempt to photoshop it so I'll probably be working all night as a result.

Shout has gone!

Horray!
Ding dong the witch is dead, and all that jazz.
But, Bliss opens tonight.
I feel it is going to be just as shit. Can't polish a shit and all that jazz.
And I can no longer say I haven't seen two girls, one cup. Quite literally shit, and all that jazz.
Jazz.

Update on my head.

My assessment went as alright as one can do with wax. God, wax is shite, but I should of seen the last of it for the foreseeable future now.
Shame it had to be on the same day as the student fee protest.
Unlike most people, I liked the rioting. Of course, violence is never the final solution, but it shows the power rests in each individual hands, and to quote V For Vendetta, the government should be afraid of their people. Then again, we are not is some fascist police state. Then again, the point still remains.
While we are speaking of occurrences in London; poppy burning.
I'm on the fence about it, it was a bit extreme, but I can see the message.
I believe WWII was wholeheartedly justified. My history on WWI is not so great so I can't comment on it. But the current wars are not justified.
When you look at WWII, and imagine things from each perspective it is clear when looking at things the Nazis did like mass genocide, that is without a doubt wrong.
Now though, you can look of each sides of the war and understand why everyone is doing what they are doing. Two wrongs don't make a right.
And I really hate all the people that dispense hatred on the Middle East like they are in the right.
Of course, I am bias as I hate the West.
It truly is a terrible world.

Anyway, on a lighter note, here is a picture I forgot about.
Met two guys outside Shout and his mate was trying to sell him to woman, I said I pay a fiver and then I had to kiss him.
Fun, drunk times.

First assessment tomorrow!

And I am far to excited for it!
This is how I never get stressed, I get excited about all the wrong things.
I'm out of my depressed rut, well and truly. Though I still am forever stuck with what to do with my life.
I am reading a good book at the moment called Men, Monsters & Make Up, and the stories are things I want to do. But if only I was born a few decades earlier I could be pioneering make up.
Then again, there is still plenty to pioneer now. I'd love to be as amazing as Stan Winston.
Yeah, my thought trail has escaped me now.
Gutted that I am not going home this weekend, but I am also glad in a way as loads of people are going home so I'd feel like I was leaving behind the few friends here that are staying.
It'll be a good weekend, that I am sure of.
Anywho, must sleep now.
Much love.
Peace out.

BIG FUCKING NEWS!

I just had my first microwaved meal of university.
Hmm, also, Tim made his first meal from scratch the other day.
This flat is like living in Freaky Friday!
Shit man.
I need a model for next week.
I'm not asking you, I just need to write it somewhere as it will make me get up and sort it out.
Yeah, that's it, I just thought it was huge news that I ate something from the microwave.

Everybody Takes a Tumble

First time I have blogged in quick succession for some time. Must be the boredom.
I want to watch a zombie film, but a new one that I haven't seen. Easier said than done.
So I think I may watch 28 Days Later. Though I always ache to watch the second one more, even if the first is better. The second is nice and easy, sit back and watch kinda thing. Nothing at all to do with my feelings for Jeremy Renner.
Speaking of which, I really want to watch The Town.
And Saw 3D.
I did see Paranormal Activity 2, it was like a cheap, cheap, cheap roller coaster.
So I'll probably watch 28 Days Later.
Yes, this post is just the inside of my head.
Today was good, my journal for visual studies kicks everyones arse, and I haven't even put my research in yet.
Did some sculpting. Last time I tried I was shocking, but absence makes the sculptors heart grow fonder as I made a pretty mean skull. But no camera, so he's now squashed in my bag and needs re-moulding.
I also got to wear my mustache that Sarah made. It felt like coming home. I need a beard, pronto!
But yes, today is well. Though I just feel like a surface at the moment, my tender insides have become recluse until it is safe to come out, probably.
Goo Goo Dolls soon! That will be freakin' schweet!
Erm, what else to bore people with?
Watched The Mist, shed some tears.
Firefly is still awesome.
Gosh, I need to order The Fly soon. I'm calling it research to warrant the spending.
Just like the £7 sticker warranted getting The Crazies. And just like the £3 sticker warranted getting that Lynyrd Skynyrd album. Good times.
My legs are too cold out of my duvet, yet too warm under it. Such is my life.
I may have one of those mug cakes for film watching, but I'll have to siphon some sugar off someone.
Scrapping the barrel now, so here is a picture of Mike Scott. Because he's lovely.
Writing all those songs about my life.
What a dude.

You wanna wrap your arms around your head, turn out the lights and roll yourself into a ball.

And I really, really do want to do that.
The Waterboys work perfectly for this slump of a mood too.
God, I am so hopelessly depressed today. I did have a nice moment with Caroline in the kitchen, just laughing together as we always do.
But the rest of the day has been painful.
I want to go home for a week, then when I come back everything will feel fresh.
I should be sleeping as I have a day full of lessons tomorrow, I have already made the decision not to go in.
No, I'd just be overly quiet, look depressed, they'll be questions and any work I'd try would be shit. And those annoying questions would turn me more sour and I'd snap and say something awful.
No, I shall set an alarm depending on what time I go to sleep so that I can stay in tomorrow and work. I'll finish my sideburns and get loads of drawing done and do a fucktonne of research for next weeks assignment.
A more worthwhile day if you ask me because all I would do in class would sit and have make up put on, then not have enough time for me to apply some to someone. Hairdressing is shit and I can just style the wedding hair here in my room. Then prosthetics will most likely be some test make ups for next week. All of it I can do here in the only company I want, which is my own.
Plus, I am hoping that I will get swallowed up in work and get all carried away that when I stop I will of forgotten about feeling depressed.
A sound plan.
But why am I feeling this way?
Last night was pretty shit, and it was Hallowe'en at the stroke of midnight and I just wanted to go back to Halls and watch a film, not be in the shit hole that is Shout.
At least I got a load of compliments for my make up.
Today has been terrible too, not at all like Hallowe'en, and that is because I'm so used to family things on Hallowe'en. Siblings and trick or treating. My mum called me though, which was a lovely seven minutes.
Yet do not get confused, my mood is not because I am home sick.
No, it is because I pin my hopes onto things because I just don't know where to put my feet. Then these hopes don't live up.
I feel so lost. I still am clueless with what I want my life to be.
And I am too inarticulate to make something out of it.
Then I was listening to Medicine Bow (again, The Waterboys) and he was singing what I wanted to do. I want to write a song.
Maybe tomorrow.
So yeah, it's just that aged old feeling of cluelessness which gets me depressed ever other month or two.
No matter how many times it will pass and look oh so melodramatic, it really gets me down.
Tomorrow should snap me out of it, especially doing some creature designs and thinking that maybe I could go into something after this.
But right now, I shall watch Firefly and feel sorry for myself.

Hallowe'en Party tomorrow!

God I am excited, all my stuff came the other day so it is going to be bitchin'!

Goth Juice

Today I looked like Howard Moon when he dressed as a goth.
Good old make up.
I can't do eye shadow for shit, then again we were using black which is a bitch to blend, or so I was reassured.
I'll practice.
But tonight I have that feeling of not wanting to be here. I put a lot onto university, thinking fresh starts, and yes it is amazing, but I want to be working somewhere.
Don't really want to go in tomorrow, I am far too tired. I blame the peer pressure of staying up late, but when I get back tomorrow I shall make some food, then think about doing work, not do work and watch a film or two until I fall asleep.
I've been aching to watch a film for ages but when I have my laptop I don't want to watch one, and when I lend it to someone I want to watch a film. But tomorrow, regardless, I shall hide and watch a film.
Tomorrow shouldn't be too bad, just visual studies (which sadly ends after Christmas, leaving a massive art based module hole in my life), then postiche. Though I haven't finished making my side burns. I was going to get up and do one in the morning, but I will indefinitely sleep. Mustache is done though, so they can't complain too hard.
And I pray my Hallowe'en stuff arrives soon, otherwise I'll cry and the whole year will be ruined.

Eurgh!

To say I feel like death would be wrong. Death would be peaceful and relaxing, and these are feelings I am far from.
However, I regret nothing.
I have been out three nights in a row now, and that is fine as I got a letter from student finance saying I get around five and a half grand now. Last night was the best of the three.
First was Taunton carnival. It was so grand, but I didn't really understand it. Each to their own.
I wasn't planning on going out, then I was in the Perkin, funny how life takes you places. Then Mambo, I do love that place. And that is where we remained until it shut, then went back and drank and talked until the sun came up, then stayed up more.
I fell asleep around eleven, woke up at two, went to bed, then I got a phone call so I gave up with sleep and finally started one of my journals.
But back to last night, it was marvelous, every minute was great. The company, the conversation and the dancing. Somewhere along the line I ended up talking to four Norwegian girls for a while, some say I pulled them, I have no experience to say what it was, but it was nice.
I just want to go back to last night and live in it, that is how much I enjoyed it.

And now my mother has got a puppy. The first dog had to be taken back, so now we have a puppy. I really need to go home, really, really need to go now. At some point in the next few weeks I shall.

How I Met Your Mother.

These days I end up going to bed when I used to wake up to go to work.
It's like seeing how the other half live.
Also, my life is like How I Met Your Mother. Because I'm so egocentric, everything I watch has to be somehow brought back to myself.
In this situation I am Ted, and I have found my Robin. I'm pretty sure that regardless of Ted's and Robin's different wants and needs out of life I will still end up with Robin.
And my dad visited today, surprisingly pleasant it was.

Degeneration of skin.

This doesn't even belong in the back seat anymore.
I often think about maybe doing a post, but I can never be arsed, too busy living life and all that jazz.
Not at the moment though, just waiting for The Inbetweeners and drinking coffee and trying to find some Goo Goo Dolls tickets for Brixton. It's not going well at all.
I'm looking because it turns out one of my flat mates is a fan of them too! Amazing, I know. We are looking for tickets to go and see them along with another flat mate, and maybe siblings too. But my hopes are being repeatedly dashed each time I open another ticket related website.
Maybe we'll get lucky...
University is still going fine and dandy, but I was in bed last night thinking how it would be much better to live in a flat with all these people here without the work.
I'll need to go home soon too, for I have been replaced with a labrador. Yep, you heard, a dog! Crazy, I thought my mother would never get one.
My dad will be here Thursday too, luckily I have college all day so it should just be a short, awkward evening.
The flat is decorated for Hallowe'en already! I love that Stacey shares my love for the most wonderful time of year. I also need to order my Skin Wizard stuff for my Two Face costume. I do hope for it to be as amazing as I picture it.
I also seem to be a small topic of conversation at the moment, about certain things. I must say, I love the attention.
I love everything right now, I was lying here in the kitchen earlier with people around me and thinking how everything was going great. After being here just a few weeks it's like we are all one family. It will only get better as the year goes on too.

Goodness in my belly.

I love how many days can pass between posts, it reminds me that I have a proper good life going on.
I don't feel homesick in the slightest anymore, that was just the first week.
I can just wander about halls and walk into kitchens on my own without the need of a buffer friend. I do feel in my element, that is certain.
This said, I am looking forward to going home soon, I shall probably go some time this month or early November. I feel bad because I can't remember it all that well, the day to day life of home and all the faces and usual conversations that would be had.
But I am growing up more and more each day.
Today we were applying foundation. I feel it went alright...
I lack the years of practice, but I can paint so I have transferable skills at least. I do feel out of place sometimes, but this afternoon when we were doing sun tan make up I felt really confident and was having a ball. And I feel like I did a pretty good job and I kick myself for not taking a picture.
I shall try and organise some sort of make up evening this week and get the girls to dispense advice, and I just want to play more.
I ordered my make up case the other day so fingers crossed it comes this week. I shall definitely take it home at Christmas and do some make up for friends, just to hopefully show off and get more practice.
Ahh, tomorrow shall be a good day. Visual studies and postiche.
Which reminds me, I mustn't forget all my stuff I left in the kitchen.
I should sleep as I am catching the early bus tomorrow. I intend to do some work before nine, however I might just read my book. Or I might take my prosthetics book and read about wigs...
I have that wonderful feeling in my belly when you know all is right.

Redemption Day

Just balled my eyes out watching the death of Phil Harris.
I have known people who have died and not shed a tear, whereas if a guy off a documentary dies it will tear up my day.
I'm hopelessly upset.



Anyway, last night was fun. Finally it was my turn to spew, yet I like to think I had some style and grace to it and more importantly I carried on partying and drinking afterwards.
Uni life is still excellent.
But I miss Phil Harris more than anything in the world right now.

Student Night!

I dare not list everything from last night, just to be safe.
And I can say that I am a new person, without a shadow of a doubt.
See, I made a squaddie friend last night, and you all know how I feel about the army. All my opinions aside, he was a sound guy. Spend most the night in male company which was refreshing, ended up running and climbing across a construction site to get to Tesco just to buy some more beer at like two in the morning.
Taxi home, then went to someone's flat where he cooked a load of meat, then we ate said meat, and it was good.
I only just had breakfast a couple of hours ago, plenty of bacon, eggs, toast and coffee and then I watched the last episode of The OC.
It will always be an emotional time. Now my life feels empty, it's truly terrible that when a programme I love finishes makes me feel this way. I end up feeling lost and friendless.
It's not Winter yet so I can't watch Band of Brothers, so I may watch Firefly soon. Then cry when that finishes too.

Induction Day mk. 1

Went into college today for my first day as a student.
As far as I know, everything went swimmingly, tutors are lovely as are everyone else.
Getting to know new people is always a great thing, each one with their many stories to tell, myself included.
I like how they warned us that their is more work than we could imagine because I have been waiting far too long to sink my teeth into some meaty work. I'm looking forward to doing all the journal and process work, like when I did my Extended Project, that was really fun as it was my own choice.
Last night I was feeling homesick, at least this is what I assume I was feeling. I very nearly just went to bed early but I took a look at myself and I was one of those people I had been criticising so rather than be a hypocrite I went to the bar and met people. It was a wise move, Daniel.
But now I feel in my element as I have met the rest of the people on my course and just then I was catching up with people on Facebook, it made me feel rooted.
Tomorrow shall be another good day.

Mendip

So here I am lying in my new bed in halls.
All is great.
It is weird to know I wont be going home for a long time, and even then I will be coming back to live at uni.
But it it nice being here. A long time coming. Walking round Taunton I felt at home in some way.
I'm looking forward to Monday, meeting more people and maybe starting some work.

See you soon Buxton.

I am really emotional right now. I have not cried, but I think I might. Even laughter could throw me into tears.
I'm leaving tomorrow, I want to go and I have wanted it for so long now. But I am leaving people behind and it makes me sad to see how much I mean to each of them.
My brother for one, he has been really cute the past few days as he has known I am leaving. I have just given him my Spider-Man comic and my Transformers poster, as I thought, he loved them.
I wanted to give them to him though because I paused and thought about when I was young and how I loved getting things passed down to me from people I looked up to. This is something I always forget because I probably don't think as highly as I should of myself and I forget that I am looked up to be some, and loved by plenty.
I think of myself as an individual too much as well which does not help in such a situation, we're not as independent and individual as we think as we are all so intertwined into one and others life's.
Yet I cannot wait until I am in my tiny room unpacking all the crap I probably didn't need to pack.

I'm now going to enjoy the home comfort of hot milk, cookies and The OC while tucked up in bed.

A room full of dust and a broom to sweep up.

Being nonchalant about packing has paid off, but only just.
I started the day in true Dan fashion with The Omen, then I thought about packing.
Started with clearing my walls. Half a day later I had done that.
Emptied yet another bin bag full of rubbish from my room, and I have no idea where I found it all as my room is tiny.
Clothes are now packed too, two Ikea bags and a bin bag. I am beginning to worry that all this wont fit in a Micra.
At first I thought they would as I just had four big boxes, then I forgot to included clothes, guitar, bedding, etc.
It'll fit.
Now I just have a few corners here and there to finish tomorrow, such as baking an apple pie.
I think I shall start tomorrow with a long bath because who knows when I will next enjoy one. I need to henna my hair tonight too, just waiting for it to dry. I best avoid the giant scab too from where I head butted something hard. That reminds me, I must cut down on my drinks.
Oh yes, and tomorrow I definitely need to finish my painting so she can dry and be packed. That'll be piss as she just needs her hair.
I'm racking my brain to make sure I haven't forgotten anything, but nothing is coming to mind. I'm confident I have all the big important stuff and I'll probably get there and find I forgot a pencil sharpener or guitar tuner.
I just haven't heard from student finance yet, nor have I rang them. Tomorrow. It's just slow as my mum didn't have a certain piece of paper. But it's not like I am poor and am in dire need for it if it's a few days late.
And yeah, I have decided to be vain and untag a shit load of photos on Facebook before I go to uni, can't have them seeing some of those.

My dreams recently have been extraordinary. And I also lie awake for a good while in bed laughing and laughing and laughing. This is obviously a good point in my life.

Thai Green Curry of Awesomeness.

Good day, good day.
Began with paint and recipe research, then list making.
Shop in Morrisons. I always avoid looking at Oven Fresh incase anyone is there, not because I don't want to see them, I just want to see them at Christmas and not now because I feel bad for leaving them a bit high and dry and here I am still.
From getting back I spent all afternoon in the kitchen.
Started with sticky chocolate pecan pie. Prepped my crab cakes. Made a thai green curry paste from scratch.
Then I butchered an entire chicken after seeing it on Masterchef and having the urge to do it. I will say I did a fine job of it too, not an ounce of meat left on the bone.
After that it was just putting together the green curry and making kung po chicken. Oh, and splitting two coconuts which was awkward.
I was busy from getting in, until finally sitting down. And I loved it.
We got some jasmine rice too, which I thought was expensive, then I tasted it and saw exactly why it was priced that way.
I was worried about cooking for Ray because he is a very picky eater, but I hit his pallet perfectly. He gave me the greatest compliment of the evening, but it was just the way he ate everything and then some more. Top of the world, I am.
Ray is top man, I remember when I first met him and he taught me loads of history and tonight I was watching him do similar with Curtis. Heartwarming.
Then of course spending time with my Gran was great.
And another thing that was great was my thai green curry. I will honestly say that it is the best thing I have ever cooked. It was beautifully fresh and fragrant, but what else would you expect when everything I bought was fresh and fragrant, even down to the lemon grass.
The kung po was lovely and sticky, but not a patch on the other.
Crab cakes were lush, but I still don't know how the Thai in town make theirs, just like I can't make tofu soak up curry like they do. I have time to work it out.
The pecan pie was a beautiful success.
Happy times. And with being busy all day I totally forgot to have breakfast and dinner so I was totally ready for it.
I want to eat that green curry forever it was so good.
I'll have to do it again.

Now I just need to pack. I shall do that tomorrow. Sort out my clothes and organise a few bits to where for the next couple of days. I already know what to wear when I go down to Somerset, I have known for well over a week.

Ah, I love Lembit Opik. He is so lovable but I can't put my tongue on the reason.
And I love Gordon Ramsey, he is on tv now so you are being replaced.

Closure.

"So basically I have said goodbye to her without even saying goodbye, seems worthy to such a bitch if you ask me."

Dan Roberts, December 2009.

I am hilarious. I have so many gems like this one. 

This stems from me reading my old blog entries last night. Why? I do not know. 

Maybe because I am leaving soon I was feeling sentimental and nostalgic. Whatever the reason is I am glad I did it. 

I thought I hadn't changed much this year because when I look back on it, I have worked at Morrisons and that's about it. But then reading my first few entires and my plans for this year, they are worlds apart. This year I was going to save money and work out what to do with my life, then at probably this time now I would be applying to my decided course. 

Well, I was shocked. Things are more different than I imagined, however, as a person I have remained pretty constant. I have gained friends, life experience, but as for my life, it's been in a rut really. But a beautiful rut of self expression and exploration. 

The 28th of January, 2010, that has been a life altering day to say the least. That was when I decided to go for make up and also when I found out Third Eye Blind were coming to London. 

But as I said, in the way of personal growth, not much has happened. I can safely say that the reason for that is because I am now an adult. No more leaving behind childish ways because I have done all that, no, personal growth from now on will be slow and steady. 

All this nostalgia then led me to looking at my journal from last year. Wow. 

Not only is it huge, they could easily be 200,000 words, maybe even close to 250,000, but the persona of it is one I forgot about. The first quarter is just general documenting of days, then it grows slightly when I dipped my toe into the sea of heartbreak. 

Then the other three quarters is post breakup Dan. 

I am eternally grateful that I didn't throw it all away in some melodramatic fit of rage. The entire result of writing down a year is beautiful, I was so up inside my head that had I been egotistical, I would of fancied myself. 

And that is why these days I can just think freely, my mind understands everything that is inside it and then articulate this into appropriate feelings and responses. It's wonderful. 

But better still, I have been so caught up with my life and future that I have left behind all of last year and moved on without realising. 

I had wondered how I would move on because the second half of last year I thought about one person and that was it, then this leeched into the start of this year despite my attempts of leaving it all behind with the symbolic twelves strikes of midnight 2009. 

But I am trying to think of when I stopped thinking about this said person, and nothing stands out. It is like falling asleep, you think about sleep and when it will arrive, but then it just happens and you are none the wiser of it. 

It is a fresh and invigorating feeling and I am glad that I have brought my attention to the lack of attention I have had for however long. 

Closure is a natural thing, the door just closes slowly until you don't hear it click shut. Then with reading my past last night I was laughing at what I was saying, then at some points a heartstring would be plucked and I would smile, but everything was like water on a ducks back as it just fell away and was replaced with the next passing feeling. How very buddhist of me. 

And healthy, I think, because I don't feel like I have opened that door of closure, nope, in fact I feel I have now locked that door. 

I feel like I have shed a skin because I feel really fresh and new. 

Tonight I have double booked myself, it's nice to be in such demand. I have pizza to go eat, then takeaway and films at someone's house. I don't really want to do either because I am cold and just want to wrap up in bed with The OC. 

However, I know that once I am warm and have watched four episodes I will start to get restless, I will then walk around the house until I find nothing to do, come upstairs and watch a few more episodes until I get bored again, and then with nothing left to do I will just go to sleep. 

And, you know, this could be the last night I see my friend until Christmas so I should definitely show my handsome face. 

I came up to pack, but jumped into this instead, and now it id getting on to a time where I should start to get ready. I should be able to sort through some draws before showering. 

The South will rise again!

Over a year ago I was in this same position. The position of being woken up in the early hours of the morning with probably the most agonising pain in the world.
Last time it happened I couldn't move my arms for hours without whimpering, this time it was just the wrists and hip.
Got to jump the gun this time though, and pounded the painkillers, those massive horse tranquilizer sized ones. The box says take one every so many hours, do not exceed three in twenty-four hours. There were none left after two hours, although I did only have half a pack left which would of been around five.
My kidneys don't hurt and I am not pissing blood, so I can safely say that I am fine, and they worked because I managed to get more sleep.
My right hand now works fine, just a slight residual ache.
The left is still a bitch. Not as bad as I can leave it sat still and it is unnoticeable but the odd movement will send that sharp intense pain to the pit of my stomach where I want to throw up.
Probably the kind of thing I should see a doctor about, but last time I put them down to growing pains, only uber, intense, makes me want to cry growing pains. Still, that time I manned up and put a tent up, extremely manly.
I can't see anything physically wrong, and there is nothing that could of caused it so again I wonder if they are just late, and hardcore, growing pains.
If it happens again I will go to a doctor, and chances are it will happen again because my Gran had the same kind of thing until her mid-twenties - yay!

But teeth-grinding pain aside, today has been excellent. I went to see a American Civil War history and reenactment thing. I loved it.
It was just like my childhood when I spent days with my Gran down at the cowboy park. That was when I first met Ray and spend an afternoon with him as he showed me all sorts. And now here we all are years later.
I got to play with my camera too, I still love the thing.
Gosh, I miss the cowboy park, and it is shut down too which makes me all the sadder. Still, I am glad I have great stories I can forever tell which include cowboys, campfires and banjos. Learning how to shoot an air rifle. Getting a bit worse for wear in a saloon. Sleeping above a Sheriff's Office watching CSI and reading pagan books. And exploring undergrowth with a six-shooter on my belt.
I am privileged.
Except the lack of painkillers. How I wish I hadn't eaten them all because now I am starting to hurt again.

I need to see in an x-ray style.

Tonight has been an excellent night. Chinese, always a winner.
Well, not always, but I have been craving a proper Chinese since coming back from Greece but I have had a month of curries more or less.
Nope, tonight was a welcome change, chopsticks and flavoursome goodness.
And it is the last night Bev and myself will spend together until Christmas probably.
It is a little sad but I can't help but feel aware that all these goodbyes are slightly awkward because in just two and a half months I will be home for Christmas, and that is a tiny percentage of a year.
Plus, I shall be in awe of the good times to come.
That said, I shall miss Beverly a great deal. We are the same, but different. We say that one often. We can also finish each others sentences and have our own language that no one else can translate. And we have our friendship bracelets, not proper gay ones, I bought some bracelets a couple of months ago and I got two with big, round, wooden beads on and so now Bev and I have one each. I love that.
Almost as much as I love this:

The past week has involved a lot of Strummer with the sewing of my jacket and such. I listen to his music all the time, The Clash and the Mescaleros are always in my Recently Played. He makes me feel like myself, and makes me have a sense of belonging.
I really cannot articulate how important he is to me. And my heart breaks whenever I think about how I never saw him, and I think that for my entire life I will have that hole. Yet that is a cross I will be happy to bear as it will forever make me aware of my love for him.
He is my hero, my father figure, my everything really.
Another reason why I have been thinking of him recently too is probably because I have been thinking about Christmas. I rarely feel Christmassy as it is, I have grown older and I haven't ever had someone special to buy gifts for, but the massive factor is that Christmas is the time for the anniversary of Joe's death. Dying at fifty, to say I am not welling up with tears right now would be lying.

Now this links to another father figure, or lack there off.
My dad emailed me today. It was an awkward email for he doesn't do that kind of thing, and he is just a generally awkward being.
Really, I wonder why I attract such socially awkward people in my life, people who just have no idea how to live a life with meaning and reward. It's not like I am like these terrible people, I know this because I had a great time at the bank today. I was apprehensive to say the least and was tempted to not go as it had started to rain. But ten minutes later the rain had cleared and this was just a sign of things to come.
Got everything sorted at the bank, but what was amazing was how I just kept talking. Just the other day I had been thinking how I don't function to well as a whole, like say if someone compliments me I will thank them but not return it, and I wont show affection and warmth when being introduced, but the first thing I did at the bank was shake hands and say "nice to meet you" before I knew what my hands and mouth were doing. I was seriously proud of myself.
The shape of things to come, I hope.
Back on track though, email off dad. I feel for him sometimes because I know it must be hard for him as he must be aware of my lack of enthusiasm and as well, I am not his blood.
But even though I can see why it can be hard, I don't understand. I don't understand people as a whole, their mannerisms and outlooks, or in this case I can't understand why my dad lives the way he does. Enclosed, empty, angry and no strive or want to do anything.
Oh well, it's not my life.

That is it, more or less, yet before I leave I must say how much I love my friends even though none of them will read it, let alone anyone for that matter.
I really do mean it though, they are excellent. They are real friends too, unlike all the rest I left behind when I left sixth form. I still feel like I am in debt with them though for all that happened last year. Was it last year? I can't remember as it all feels so alien, but whenever the awful happened, I still feel like I owe more than I can repay to my friends. It is a testament to them, that even though I hid away, had my views poisoned and just didn't treat them as friends; they are still here to this day, welcoming me as ever. For that I love them.
Nearly twenty years in the making, but now, I truly am Dan.

Denim jacket.

Today has been a textbook Sunday, and it has been unbearable.
I woke up in a most peculiar state. I didn't know which way was up or who I was, four minutes seemed to last two hours and it felt like I had fallen asleep and woken up two hundred times. Until I put my iPod on and fell back to sleep for a few hours.
The day has dragged on and on. Watched the last Long Way Down, emotional times.
Dexter is still great, but I am gutted that I have Dexter, then starting tomorrow is new Mythbusters and then the week after is new Deadliest Catch. I might not go to university.
But that is probably why today has been even more boring than any other Sunday, I have most things packed and I am on the metaphorical blocks waiting for that metaphorical starting pistol of Friday the seventeenth. I have decided that I shall take a pie as a flat warming gift.
Though today I worried about being with a load of boys. I have good male friends, but I don't think I could live with a load of them.
I wonder if it is the fact I was brought up by girls that has made me this way inclined, or that because I know I was brought up by girls that I think this is what I want. Whatever the input, the output is unchanged.
I nearly got to a million on Bejeweled 2, I think this was the highlight of the day.
Although it was fun because I was on one game for an entire Goo Goo Dolls album, so I made the most of the empty house. Well, I'd still of sang every song in company.
Got some OC watched, watched the end of Transformers which truly is an amazing cinematic experience. They should make a 3D one, or re-release the first one in IMAX 3D.
And I watched Bug too, a nice plummet into insanity of a film.
So really, my entire day has just been watching stuff.
Though I did paint while watching a documentary. It's really coming on. I did an eye today, and already it has put depth into the face. I really like how it looks, and best of all, I can see myself in it.
There might even be some skill in it too, like a pinch of salts worth in a ragu sauce.
Seamlessly from ragu to Gordon Ramsey. I watched him too, and how I love him. I lay there thinking even after my degree, I might just work in a kitchen.
It is the one job I want to do, if just for a short time. I can cook, and the meal I made last night for myself I will arrogantly say I can fucking cook, but I want to learn how they time everything and cook several orders and courses in such a smooth manner.
And I still want to own my beautiful bar/cafe/restaurant.
I want to go to Somerset now. Tomorrow I shall look in town for a pair of trousers because I feel like I am always wearing the same pair. Tuesday? Pretty sure I am going camping, so that will kill Wednesday nicely. Thursday I have to go to the bank, but as I wont be buying shit I'm pretty sure it is going to last all of thirty seconds, so with the rest of that day I should jump into paint.
Friday? Chances are I will be out somewhere.
The weekend? It will be the last time to see my dad before I go down south as he is working away and said nothing about coming to visit me. But that suits me perfectly, it's just going to be more awkward than now as I will have to talk on the phone more often. Since I was eight we have the same teeth extracting phone conversations. I can't wait until I am living on my own two feet in five years time or whatever, but I always think about how awkward it will be with my dad as I cannot see some major breakthrough in our relationship ever occurring.
Anyway, next Monday I shall probably be packing more things and organising some clothes. Tuesday will be food shopping and preparing and eventually cooking as my Gran and Ray our coming over for a big meal to wish me off. To be honest, I think I am more excited about that than starting my course.
Wednesday will be the last of packing as Thursday will be sleeping day as I have to be up at three or four in the morning, which is nothing to a seasoned pro as myself. But why so early, you ask. The intake day is from ten 'til three, so we are aiming to get there early and it's a good four/five hour drive depending. I would say that I would sleep in the car with my glorious memory foam pillow, but I know I wont. I'll get up in the middle of the night, have a coffee, sing to my iPod in the car until we stop for more coffee and pissing, then once I have finished blowing and sipping my coffee the singing will continue.
Wow, there is practically no time left at all.
I love change!

And yeah, the denim jacket that I have had in my wardrobe since I was five, I took it out today and I shall begin to wear it. I think it was my Aunts.

Hello Nikon.

It arrived today, less than twenty four hours after ordering it, talk about customer satisfaction.
I've been playing with it all day, messing with shutter speed and aperture and taking photos of nothing of interest. And taking photos at night is going to be one hell of a treat.
He's beautiful, I think I'm going to get awfully sentimental about my camera as the days, months and hopefully years go by.
I am picturing myself with it in New York.
Ahh, all these years without a camera has definitely made this all the more worthwhile. And it would seem that the universe is shining on me as my dad gave me £150 and I can claim about £250 tax back so even after all this I am going to be up.
Not that money matters, or that I care for it, but I can't pretend I don't need it when I am going to university in a matter of weeks.

My first mirror shot, how wonderful. With my claw like hands.

Impression & expression.

Vinyan, what a beautiful film. Every shot was to die for, rich browns, golden browns and then the only contrast being the guys red shirt. I don't think I have ever seen such a good looking film. And content wise it was excellent, ambiguous and reminded me of early expressionistic horror films.

Finally got my Euros changed to real money again, sent some to Pakistan because I'm a wonderful person and then banked the rest, where I accidently agreed to going in next week for an annual review. I can get my student account sorted at least. 

That money I put in lasted all of a few hours as I came home and ordered some modelling tools, The OC season four and a camera. I've never really wanted a camera as I didn't want to be the one behind it all the time, but recently I have wanted one of my own. This morning I was looking at a Nikon P100, this afternoon I had ordered one. All £277 of new excitingness. 

Oh, and I got some painting done out in the sun, while singing my heart out to some Guns N' Roses. I'm sure the neighbours loved it, because who wouldn't? 

You know, I think I have wanted a Nikon since The Lost World because Nick had one, and I wanted to be Nick so badly. I even pretended my name was Nick for a good couple of years. 

And I was only listening to Guns N' Roses today because I was wearing a Guns N' Roses tshirt. 

I am not at all impressionable in any shape or form. 

Fifteen days to go.

Headache

I want to live in the flat off Shallow Grave. Except without the murder, money, greed and the literal and metaphorical backstabbing.
Excellent film.

Ikea was fun. Got loads, and more importantly I got myself a really good knife and a mortar and pestle. Priorities.
It's almost two weeks until I leave. I'm trying hard not to pack everything because I kind of need most the things I will be taking, but my stomach is filled with to much excitment and I can't help myself.
I think I will go through my books once more to try and condense them further.
I'm swollen with swellness.

Get you finger out!

Gosh, why do I feel so much empathy of late? Everything I watch makes me feel sad, Paradise Lost included.

Anyway, here's a nugget of information about my life to enlighten you with. I thought I was picking a load of latex of my skin earlier. Turned out to be my skin.

The Venus Project

I watched Zeitgeist Addendum the other night. Like with most things these days, I cried. The world is more awful than I thought. Money is evil, and makes no sense. Money is debt, debt is money and there will never be enough money to pay the debt because of interest. Create more money to pay the interest means you're creating more debt which more interest will grow upon. A truly wonderful perpetual cycle.
The monetary system is bad, a resource based economy is the way forward. We may realise this soon because the money/debt issue leads to bankruptcy all the time, and the US may go bankrupt within the decade. In a sadistic and selfish way, I hope it does because I have always wanted some grand occurrence during my life time. It could be the key to a revolution, a way of life like the Venus Project.
A boy can only dream.
This was the problem, I feel like I can only dream. I feel like I have no voice in the matter. I feel so powerless against the huge machines. But, I say to myself, I am young. I have time to at least make my voice heard even if it is to just one other person. Or find somewhere with many like me, and feel like a part of a movement.
Failing all this, I can always take solace in the fact that I can see things for what they are. I say it often, and I shall say it again, ignorance is not bliss.

Taking the spotlight away from the turmoil of my soul, my room appears tidy. It's not, but it seems organised, giving the illusion of tidy. I started to gather stuff for my ever approaching move. I boxed up my books, I need another box for my graphic novels (because I am that cool) and then I alphabetized my dvds. Three foot of neatly organised dvds making my room look orderly.
Gutted under my bed, truly awful job. Threw out several bags of crap and now I need to go to Ikea. I am awfully excited, however I got my first sinking feeling of worry the other day, the old what if I get stuck with shit people. That passed, I can't wait to go. Talk to new people and get to know all about them. And after a year with me, one of them is bound to like Third Eye Blind/Firefly.

Recognition!

It's all I ever need. Not in a direct way, just to see the effects and know that I am the reason. I don't need the person to know that I am the reason, I can remain anonymous, all I need to see is the effect.
I talk about this because now that I am off the blood donor list (*sobs*) I got a certificate. I have many certificates, but this is probably the first one I have been happy to receive.
Got my student finance stuff too, but that is less important.

I think I shall head upstairs, crank up the tunes and play with make up. I did some today, see:

I tried doing a bite wound a month or two back and the phrase 'epic fail' was invented just for that outcome. My only qualms with this one is it's too shiny, as once again I forgot to talc it, despite thinking about how I always forget to talc everything. Oh well. But on the plus, Vaseline. I used to use moisturiser to soften the wax but that made it slimy and near impossible to work with, but I read that Vaseline also works and like a big fucking charm it works. No swearing, stabbing or hating. Cool, uninterrupted good times. 

So yes, with todays good fortune under belt I shall go let the good times continue. And have a few tinnies too. Probably watch Zeitgeist tonight as I didn't last nigh, The Mexican was too good to resist. 

I've been looking at Anarchism, freedom fighting and the likes tonight. 

Ahh, life is swell for me. 

My mother on the other hand...

She drinks as it is, but my word she is fucking out of it tonight. I question where my tequila is. 

All courtesy of marriage. 

I could say something, but there is nothing to say. I am rarely the shoulder to cry on with my cold heart. 

The fears of a delusional mind.

I'm really quite emotional, teetering towards sad.
I just watched DIY SOS, a great show but that was to be expected. It was just emotional, so much crying and happiness.
However, as always, I got thinking. I got thinking about how sad the world must be to warrant such a reaction to the kindness of heart. Breaking down in tears just because someone has been good towards you for no fee at all. Money doesn't make the world go round, we just think it does. People can be kind towards each other just to feel the warmth of goodness, rather than a fat wallet in their pocket.
It was inspiring, to see good people as I am such a cynic when it comes to my world view.
But fuck me, must every thought I have be the spanner in the works of my life plan? There is no way that I could build myself four walls, and live within them with a wonderful and beautiful family. I could lose myself in that life though, but I know that I would awake one day to see that I hadn't given anything to the world and revolt.
No, no. I can't plan my life. I will go to uni, be awesome and take it all in. Afterwards I shall see where I stand, and where I can go. Hopefully I shall balance my life by doing what I find fun to pass the time and also cram in some soulful activities. Make a difference somewhere.
I'd like to write songs, and get them heard and for people to act upon them. I'd like to paint a picture that stops the world in it's tracks and causes it to think for just a minute.
I want people to see and think like me, for if we all did we would live in the most wonderful world.

Yet this is far from the case. The world is only getting darker. Contactless technology; clever stuff, hey? Sure, but it would seem that in our life time not only do they wish to make cheques redundant, they also wish to make cash redundant. Yeah, it's not a terrible thing is it. Without physical cash crime is surely going to take a hit, and no need to print it in the first place so the planet is pretty pleased too.
Passports have chips in these days, and if your finances are on a chip too then it is just a matter of time before the two are one. Your entire identity and wealth in the palm of your hand.
So why not throw in a tracking device? Or if you don't abide by the law, they just delete all the money on your chip. How about a lovely big brother type state?
New World Order. That is where it is all heading. One government and one state, no one left to rage war with at least but first you must conquer the earth. Then having one entity in power of the entire planet, fucking scary shit right there.
Nope, give me a world with diversity, culture and openness. Freedom, the ability to disappear and to have an identity that is more than a chip. A world governed by the kindness of heart.
Call me paranoid and call me crazy. Maybe I am, maybe this will never happen but I can't help but fear it.

Like a fish...

...I am gutted!
Truly, truly gutted.
I went to give blood yesterday, it was my second time. My first time lasted but minutes because my nerves got the better of me and I got all light headed. But I thought this time would be fine because I felt fine, I wasn't nervous and I had eaten plenty of food and drinks and pounded my body with sugar to counter all the effects. And everything was going fine, until something went wrong with the cradle that the blood sits in. I think that was the problem because a nurse was messing with it, then asked for help and I started to get foggy here. Because I couldn't see the problem I then pictured myself bleeding all over the floor and imagining a pint sized puddle of blood, it's not a small thing.
I thought I could fight it and I told them I was fine, but the sweat on my brow told a different story.
Tragic. And I was so close to the full pint of blood too.
I like being a minority, but I don't want to be in this one. The one where 2% of people who give blood, their body can't adapt quickly enough the the sudden blood loss. It blows.
But I had a great chat with a few nurses, talking about loads of things like holidays, university, life and other such things. Two were red heads, and they talked to me as if I was one of their own, excellent stuff.
We talked about blood too. How I had done everything right with eating and drinking and all that, and that being young may be the problem. Body still undergoing changes and all that jazz. I'm advised to try again in a few years, or whenever I feel up to it, and I have until I am seventy.
I'm assured there is no rush, but I want to do this so badly. I want nothing more to help others. Just like when I see a fire truck or something, the urge to have a job like that is a strong one. It's not as selfless as one would think because I think some of it is selfishness too, I want to be seen as a hero, I want to be the face that the person sees on the worst day of their life.
But alas, I cannot save lives with my blood.
A real shame, and the nurses agree. They weren't pissy this time, they were proud of me for trying again and not just thinking it wasn't for me. And there is still time and hope.
If not, it's going to suck to have a head that can give blood but a body that cannot.

Family is all back. As I thought, I am glad to have life in the house but I am annoyed that I can't just roll out of bed and put a horror on.
To celebrate the end of the holiday we went out for a curry. Not wise since they owe me two hundred pounds as they ran out of cash and I had to bail them out, once again. I have lost count of the time I have borrowed them money, I'm sure the roles here have been reversed.
Curry though, I wasn't feeling it. I have had six in the last seven days: two pasanders, beef curry, vegetable balti, mexican curry and last nights garlic chili.
What can I say, I love the spicy food and it's all I wanted after Greece as their food may be great but it has no heat.
The beer almost killed me though, I thought that maybe having 10% less blood would make getting pissed 10% easier, but it would seem it is more exponential, which makes sense thinking about it.
Then I had tooth ache which means I may get a wisdom tooth in the next few years. So obviously I ate a bag of Haribo, the clever thing to do.

Oh, Ewan, where art thou?

My last evening on my own. The family returns tonight in the wee hours. It'll be nice to have a house with life in, but I will miss the freedom of walking around naked and the other things I take advantage of with no company.
I'm stuck with what to do and this is why I am here talking about nothing. I'd like to read but reading in a cold, empty and quiet house is not a uplifting experience. I'd be watching Long Way Down but alas, WHSmiths did not have it for like the first time ever! Denied. Tragedy.
It's on NatGeo at the moment so not all is lost, I'll just have to watch them over ten days instead of one long and beautiful night with Ewan McGregor.
I could watch The OC but I think I want to avoid it because I know as soon as it goes on that will be my entire night gone.
Would it be so bad though? I mean, I have done a canvas today, the breast cancer one I felt I needed to do. However it did not blow the lid of what could of been repressed emotions, which I am guessing (and hoping) means I don't have any. The painting came out really well, I think. How I envisioned at least and it took just ten minutes, kept it simple and was confident with brush strokes. Very pleasing experience.
Did a bit more on the cowboy one, but I got bored and it wasn't going too well.

Horror? I have many to watch but again I just don't know what to do with myself. I'd like to just sit here all night and talk to someone.

...

And now we can scratch all that because Bev has turned up. Sweet.

The curse of Cuervo.

Fuck.
I'm not sure if I have ever drank more than I drank last night. Fucking tequila!
I was a riot, I had an audience and I made the most of it. I rapped to Eminem, Busted's version of Where is the Love, A Perfect Blend (the awesome Neighbours song) amongst others. Danced my face off, shredded the old voice and just acted like a drunk.
Then it becomes fragmented and dream like and any Dan that remained was pushed away. I hang my head in shame.

I woke up this morning still well and truly pissed, head warm and fuzzy and unable to walk straight and still dancing and singing. Tidied up, washed up and made pancakes. I was close to vomit then.
Afternoon in the park, lay in the sun with coffee, muffin and pretzels. This was when the hangover came into effect. It's not a bad one as my head isn't thick with pain, however I feel sick to my core, I'm sweating tequila and I feel all on edge, fidgety and a bit of the shakes maybe. I feel like an alcoholic who's going cold turkey.
I want to die. Blow my brains out with a Beretta. The peace and tranquility of death is more welcoming that it has ever been before.

We no speak Americano

Drunk!
I have enjoyed a wide spread of Corona, rose wine, mystery cocktail and Fruli. My belly is full of warmth and happiness.
An excellent night with maybe a tad too much male bonding, but I love it for it is something I rarely get. I love hanging around boys and talking about boy things.
Drama seemed to be brewing towards the end, and by the end I mean my leaving. Nothing changes from school, people running around whispering that so and so said this about so and so.
Nope, sit me with the Cowan and I will be fine without it all.

I ventured out the house today, I thought about staying in but after watching a film I felt like going out. Got some canvases and brushes and I intend on painting a picture for my Gran. I'm doing this off my own back because I want to, whereas I have been asked to do something for my fake gran but have yet to do something. My family is an odd one, much like everyone elses.
So tomorrow I shall paint. Then maybe pick up some shopping for Saturday night. I'm really excited for it now that I have seen that people are excited for it also, it is bound to be a good night.
Gosh, I wish I weren't so drunk because I feel like staying up and doing something, even if that is just watching another film.
I'll get up early tomorrow and make the most of the day.
And I finally know the name of the song I danced to all last week. Probably the last person in the world to learn the name We No Speak Americano, but I gave up with the radio a while back.

It's like a sign!

I feel chatty. I'm talking to someone I haven't talked too in far too long, but what is lovely is that despite the vast amount of time between conversation, the freedom and ease of talking hasn't changed.

I got up today at two in the afternoon. I do not believe that I have ever slept in so late! A little bit of jet lag, but I was still getting up at lunch time in Greece.
First port of call was a horror. Synder's re-imagining of Dawn of the Dead. I had to up it one of IMDB for it is wonderful. What I thought to be cheesy is more homage to the seventies.
Then I drew, and drew a bit more. The habit of doing so in Greece has followed me home, and I am happy for this.
I am getting better with watercolours, or so I like to think.
Then I made an epic meal for one. Pasander with roti bread.
Watched some Southland with it which gave me my costume for me iParte Mexicana! I shall go as a Mexican gang member as I have the wife beater and I can draw some tattoos and there is no need to get a sombrero or poncho.

I am feeling awfully content tonight despite my slight emotional episode at the end of Ladder 49 last night.
Not sure what to do with myself tonight though because I sure wont sleep for a while yet. Late to get up and too much coffee. The OC? Another film? I'm spoilt for choice!

I saw the oceans daughter.

Back in the Bux.
I am quite happy about this, in a way. I felt ready to come home as there isn't so much to do on holiday other than reading, drawing and listening to music.
It was great, lovely and hot and simple and care free. Other than the lack of a room and a bed, which resulted in a painful experience with an ancient, and tiny, camp bed and so I made do with a sofa. Not all bad, I was pissed the first day or two but I had no reason to be as I was just grasping and wants. So I let go and had an excellent time free from resentment.
I'm no good at sun worshipping, I get bored and I don't pretend that I tan. I don't. And plus, I am not insecure about my skin tone. So instead of getting a load of sunbathing done, I got a good deal of drawing done. And my book, Kavalier and Clay, oh how wonderful it is.
I also got my much wanted morning swim in the sea. Not sure what time but I was the only one in the sea let alone the beach. But I didn't spend much time on the beach, though my love for the sea is like no other my dislike towards people is somewhat greater. I couldn't be bothered with all those bodies ruining my sanctuary. I got a couple of mornings to myself, and a fair few nights too. No night swimming for that would of been silly, especially because of all the Long Island Ice Teas I was consuming. One night involved three of them, not to mention all the beer and shots and to top it off the best game of darts ever.
Sadly, the Alobar was not a patch on last time. No music, and it was always dead. Yet the scenery had not changed so it was still beautiful to sit there in a deck chair, over looking the sea with a  drink in hand.
Nope, the place to be this year was Robin's Nest. It's run by some woman from Chicago and she's been there since the seventies and it is always fun with the darts, music, dressing up box and it's beautiful bohemian feeling. The bar is inside, and it is just the size of a bar this room. The toilets are just some out building, and everything is outside underneath this gorgeous tree. There is a little bit of a roof in one corner which is just a wooden lean-too. Seats worked into the walls. It's ace. And now there is loads of art on the walls. The cocktails are nothing special, or that could just be because I have been to real cocktail bars with proper barmen.
To some the week up:

• Drink
• Sun
• Sea
• Pool
• Food
• More drink
• More food
• Even more drink
• Little more food
• Reading
• Music
• Drawing
• And drink.

Also, popped my karaoke virginity and made a friend on the dance floor.
What was surprising though was my sexual placidity. I thought that with all the almost naked woman around that I would be fit to burst. Not the case at all. It would seem that I am no longer that pit of raging hormones of a teenager anymore.
Another factor was because I just felt lonely, not in a sexual way, in the way of company and the emotional sense. Being surrounded by couples will the the root to that feeling. I only have to wait another month before I move, it's arrogant to think that I will find someone at uni but hey. And there will be people there, and I will fancy them, and I shall do something about that and we can only see what happens there.

I had the worst dream ever while I was away. It truly was.
Basic dream setting, nothing extraordinary, a party of some sort then in some heated passion I killed someone. Everything after that was panic, what was I going to do. Hide the body? Confess? Run away? Kill myself? It felt so real which was awful, I was running around wishing that it was a dream but it didn't feel like a dream and I wouldn't wake up no matter how much I wished it and pinched myself. Finally I took the dead mans car keys and I was going to drive myself off a cliff, then I woke up and I have never been more relieved. A good sign that I probably have good morals somewhere if a dream about killing a man ruined me.

I am in love. I kid you not. On the plane home I was in the aisle seat next to some people I didn't know and in the aisle next to me was this girl. This beautiful, amazing girl. Ciara I think her name was, at least that was the name on the back of her hoody. I didn't even talk to her but she looked like probably the coolest person in the world. I imagine that her personality and character are second to none. Even her feet were the most beautiful I have ever seen. But again, I wanted nothing sexual, I could not taint her beauty by imagining joining the Mile High Club with her. No, I just wanted to sit next to her, be the shoulder her head could sleep on, hold hands and just be there together in a simple embrace of warmth and true love. I don't know if I believe in true love, love at first sight and the one, but I'm not sure if this affinity is because these things are true, or was it just because I was sat next to a uniquely gorgeous girl and I imagined up her perfection and fell in love with that.
Whatever the answer, I know I will be thinking of her for some time.

There is nothing more revitalising that lying down in the sun under a perfectly blue sky and listening to ELO's Mr. Blue Sky. Completely weightless and free, feeling just like the endless blue of Mr. Blue Sky.
However, I think this is more fitting considering.

afk

Yesterday was a twenty something hour day and I felt good. Today I have been up for ten hours and I am cream crackered.
I can't believe I finished work yesterday, it all ready feels like a week has gone by without that place. Probably down to my head being free from thinking of when I am next at work.
And the fact I filled up yesterday afternoon/night with more things than you could think possible.
I didn't get drunk though, crazy, I needed to get money out but I forgot and didn't bother and just spent the night chatting instead. Again, my book is leeching into my everyday life as he stopped getting drunk.
I'm not going to do that though, pfft.
But what was pleasantly surprising was how I was not pissed off with everyone, as nearly all sober people despise drunk people when thrown together. Nope, fun, lighthearted and great. Lots of mockery too, and the cherry on top was spending a lovely night tending to a much overlooked friendship. It's my fault, and I still feel like I am working off the debts from a year ago.


Tomorrow I fly away for a week. It is much needed. And I am going to spend it all by the sea.
Picked up that last few bits for it today.
The essential iPod mains charger.
Some teeny tiny watercolour box and to go along with it some watercolour paper. I it was called watercolour postcards for their postcard size, but on the reverse they have it laid out and ready to fill it as a postcard. How quaint!
I won't send any, I just wanted some small paper to capture anything pretty, like a photo only more fun.
Then I got an A5 sketchbook because apparently when I shop for holiday things I buy small things.
I thought about getting more stuff but seems how I had sent off a few order forms for my course which totted up to £800+ I thought I best leave them.
I have to wait until I move down to get them as they are delivered to the college, for the best as it's less to take down and I wont use up everything in an excitable frenzy.
I look forward to getting my postiche kit. I'm going to make a glorious mustache. 
It is still surreal to think that it was just the end of January that I started looking at courses, and not even looking in depth. Then applying to loads for the sake of it, then going to an interview and being told that I am just to gosh darn good and that I should do the proper course.
I truly dread the day that things don't pan out just nicely for me, because I will not have a clue what to do.

Shit. I forgot to make a holiday playlist.
Tomorrow!

Unemployed.

This is far more glummer than I had anticipated.
I miss Ann. I'll see them all in a few months, but it's not going to be the same.
I sure am making this sound pretty pathetic.
Gloomy glum feeling.
I get to sleep now at least, but the early thing didn't bother me. And the plus with that, for a good while now I will be able to wake up from 6am onwards and still think that I have had plenty of sleep. That'll come in handy.
I'm really going to miss it more than I thought I ever would. Well, not Morrisons, that just happened to be the place with all these great people in.

In other news. When I was in town the other day I went looking for headphones. I found some Sennheiser, half price, for thirty pounds. My wallet had the total sum of thirty pounds.
I, of course, bought them.
I've wanted a pair for some time but sixty quid is a lot just for some headphones, but I thought thirty was okay.
Well, I would of paid the full sixty for them. HD sound, it's orgasmic!
Every song I listen to now, it's like listening to for the first time again. I can pick out each single sound. I had no idea there could be so much sound!
And sound canceling too. What a beauty that is. I can listen to nothing but music while I watch the world. Oh, it is wonderful.
I can happily go deaf now that I have experienced such audio beauty.

Letter.

Tomorrow is my final day of work. Today was fun, in a way.
This week there has been issues with the chicken suppliers and yesterday was when stocks dwindled, and today was when pretty much everything ran out. I have always dreamt of this day, where something occurs that isn't our fault that results in there being nothing.
It's as sweet as I imagined!
Nothing to do and the managers can't be angry. Not that they are angry people, Katie is lovely most days and Rochelle is peculiarly nice to me. Like the other day when I was clocking out as she was starting she asked if I was going, I reply yes and her reaction to this is an aww.
I think Doc must be on holiday or something, shame, I would of liked to of said goodbye to him.
I did however say goodbye to Tracey today, got my goodbye kiss as I wasn't going anywhere without it. Walking home was a little sad. Routine breaks tomorrow, and I have made friends and spend days with lovely people who make me smile.
What I think is the main reason that makes me sad is the feeling that I am abandoning people. I know it isn't the case, each to their own and all these people have roots and families but some of them mean a lot to me and I'm just leaving it all behind.
But when I got home I found a big letter from Somerset. I opened and read.
I remembered why I am leaving. I remember the reason to getting a job because I have several order forms to buy loads of cool stuff. I'm easily going to eat up a grand buying it all.
Then I find all the information about New York. How did that bad boy slip my mind!?!
February, that is when I shall be going, all permitting.
It's all very exciting and has put me at ease because I thought they might of forgot about me with the lack of letters before today.

As of tomorrow 12:00pm, I'll be unemployed. I've wanted it for so long, but I'm going to miss it despite it all. Yet when I walk out those doors it will truly feel as if a weight has been lifted. I will exhale and it will feel amazing. But you know what the first thing that I will want to do when I come home at Christmas? Go to Morrisons.

I could possibly be fading, or have something more to gain.

I don't find takeaway food at all appetising anymore. Almost, there will be the few times where I would kill for some, but most of the times these days I can't stand it. I speak of it because this was tea, or dinner, or whatever you wish to dub the evening meal.
I walked into the kitchen after and it smelled of pizza and kebab and there was leftovers left all over the place. Usually I would of gorged to pain, but I just felt repulsed, and shame for what I had just eaten.
Much like when having a wank, when you talk dirty to yourself and that woman in your head, and then when the deed is done you just feel like you are looking at yourself with disgust and shame.
Vulgar? Too far? I have decided this is not so.
We look back at how square people used to be throughout the ages with their taboos and such, but we still have just as many these days. I am for the openness and freedom of conversation. Just the other day Dave and I were sat in his car in traffic commentating on every woman that went by. It was the first time I have done that outside of my own head and it was so much more rewarding. I felt good and honest, even if I was disrespecting all those women.

I'm feeling extremely mellow right now, with an added bonus of discontent. I feel a cold coming on possibly which doesn't help matters, but it's pretty much down to the same old things running round my head.
I get caught up in things, I get happy and then I feel like I am becoming like just another nameless face leading just another pointless existence and that I have left behind the real Dan. The naive idealist, I think that is what he is. Definitely naive, I know that much.
Something Beautiful, the book I am reading helps and doesn't. It is the stem of my somber state. a guy going on holiday to New York and decided just to stay. Familiar? This is why I draw parallels, this was the crazy idea I had the other year. Not a sound one, but not that people were aware of this and so I think this is why people looked down their noses at me. No, just more escapism. I get caught up in day dreams and fantasise about things going right for me. I speak in a past tense now for things do work out really well for me and my day dreams are all of my future and centered around my possible life's direction.
But my school years were normal, but to me they felt more tragic than the rest. Purely and simply because I never got the girl I wanted. Hopeless and pathetic but maybe I'm just a hopeless, pathetic romantic. Hmm, I use the adjective pathetic a lot these days, I do think highly of myself, I stress this.
But back to my escapism, silly day dreams about American girls. It was just because of my ever increasing single life. No ones fault but my own, I should of been outgoing but what can you do? At least it has all lead me to this good place. Away from those ridiculous ideas of ever loving one person, and not understanding how I could love another person after loving another. Crazy. Now I'm fully educated and can see full well how you can love another person after one love has fallen through.
I'm not going off on a tangent, honest, because back to my book, I want to do something like that, I want to travel in such a raw way. But this book is pre-9/11, things are probably more strict now yet it's not just my naivety but I am sure that in a world of six billion, one person can be an ambling ghost.
I know it's a lot harder than that, but please, I beg, do not destroy my ideas.
What else is incredible about this book is how it seems so surreal, like a story book. We get brought up and told that we go to school, get a job, get married, have kids and die. Sheltered and linear. Whereas I'm reading about this guy who just turns up at a ranch and works there for a few months. It's wonderful, and because it is true it has given me more hope and belief in the human heart, for there are so many good souls out there.
So yes, my current mood is pretty much me getting hung up on my own existence and not making the most of the time I have.
Yet. A big old but. I think my desire to love is a huge one. Not just for security and the other things, I want to love just to share love. Embrace all the feelings. I have just seen so much fail around me, and crazy versions of love which are full of bitterness and resentment. I want to be different.
Exact same reason for why I want to be a father. I want to be the father I never had.
So that can be my dilemma sometimes. I think I want to soak up the world and it's cultures but is it just pure and simple love that is my one desire. My one reason of existence?
You can see why it makes me sombre, it fills my head with big heavy clouds.
However I can always find the silver lining to clouds.
I have me alone for a good while now, not in a sad way, just an independent way. And thankfully to because I have found who I am. I look back to being in school and all I knew about me then was what music I liked and what things to wear to fit in with my clique.
But now, I know who I am. I am Dan. I know every corner of me, from my toes to my nose. There is nothing I can hide from myself.
This is going off at a tangent. The silver lining to the clouds in my head are I have been alone so therefore I general think as a single entity. Just myself.
I forget that I will meet someone amazing.
Hopefully she will be as amazing as I imagine and that I'll for fill her as she will for fill me.
And if she is perfect, then I needn't worry about living a sheltered, linear life, because she will want what I want, or support me, or whatever perfect women do.
Everything will work out, I bet.

I came up early to bed but now it is getting on. Probably because I went on.
Getting dark now. The year is slowing down now and it makes me a bit sad. I noticed it the other morning when I was going to work and I was used to the sun being up, but it was only rising.
Luckily I only have four more mornings left because I'd probably get over emotional about the ever fading light in the mornings.
Anyway, I think some more escapism is needed in the form of The OC.
And speaking of which, both escapism and The OC, The Amazing Adventure of Kavalier and Clay arrived today. Finally.
I have such good feelings about it. I'm so excited to read it, like foaming at the bit!
I sense that this may be my favourite book.
I hope so.
I have been learning this. I say learning, the song is pretty much two lines repeated. But it's lovely.
And fits with my state of mind.

The emotions of Oven Fresh.

Today was my last day with Karen, my supervisor.
It was the cutest goodbye I have ever had from anyone, ever. I just wanted to hug her.
I'm definitely sad about leaving, but many decisions in life have such problems. The sadness of something ending even if you know you must leave, or that you are going to for fill potential elsewhere or whatknot.
My first job coming to an end, my first taste of being an adult is soon to be replaced with the structure of education once more.
Poor Karen, she may of cried had I stayed any longer for our farewell, and I can understand why. I can say with confidence, and arrogance, that I am the best one on that department. I have the intuition, independence and confidence to do what I think is best and no one works as hard as me. Well, maybe I am third best because Karen is supervisor for a reason, then there is Ann, but I probably cut fewer corners than Ann.
I feel so warm to know that I am going to missed as both a person, and a worker.
I shall miss Karen, Ann and Adam. Rob, no. Fran I shall see before uni happens I'm sure. Steve, only worked with him once as he's not hardcore enough for mornings. Liam, I have my first shift with him next week despite the fact he's been there a good month or more. Shekinah, I don't talk to.
I shall miss Tracey off Cake Shop loads.
I'll miss bullying Gareth on Bakery.
I'll miss Simon and our breaks together.
I'll miss the pleasant small talk with people.
I'll miss Katie in her good moods, but I wont miss the bad ones.
I'll miss Doc and his ability to be an amazing manager.
I'll miss Morrisons.
I never thought I'd say it. From day one I have been aching to quit come August. Now it's here.
I'm excited though, more so than the end of sixth form, but the end of sixth form was shit.
I'm looking forward to taking another step in my life but I feel like I am abandoning so many people and leaving behind a piece of Dan. Nearly nine months of my life it has taken up. It wont seem like much should I live to eighty, but I'm still writing the pages of my life and this is one big chapter.
I shall also miss Cake Shop girl lots. Emily was the name I saw on her name badge. I was nice to her the other night, helped her pack cookies, swept up for her. And then the first thing I did today was talk to Tracey about the state of the cookies and how it wasn't Emily's fault, she got left with a fucktonne of work and no idea what was what. The same thing I promised to do for some new guy on the Bakery, except I forgot because I wasn't in love with him.
Of course, I joke, I am not in love with her. It has just been an age since I have liked someone and I have thrown myself into the school boy feelings of a crush.
It has been lovely without all those school related feelings, but now with my dusting off of feelings I had forgotten it has made me feel pretty alone to be honest.
Thank goodness I have uni coming up, I'll get laid then!
I joke in a sense, I'm not so vulgar and informal with sex however I was well frustrated when I watched a film with a sex scene in today. And no, it wasn't a porno.
I'm feeling chatty tonight, it's my book, ever so inspiring. I just read a part of it where it's old blog entries (but before blogs were cool, like way back in '98) and it pleased me. Made me think "what if I one day publish anything I have documented over the years?".
It could happen.
I can dream. And I often do, I wish so badly for me to share this with the entire world. I want millions of eyes to read what is on my mind. One day.
Oh yeah, and in my book he used the term in other news!
A common term, but I use it and it made me relate.
And while we are talking about books, I found some book tokens which I assume I got for me a model student and sixth form and now I finally own The Catcher in the Rye. It was that or Of Mice and Men. I'll get that one after, along with To Kill a Mockingbird. You know, all those books people read for school but I never did because I got stuck with fucking Kestrel for a Knave.
Anyway, there are other emotions to Oven Fresh.
It is impossible not to be aware of all the death. Just today I got sixteen crates of chickens, that is one hundred and sixty chickens, dead. A crate of portions can be about forty-five chickens. A lot of death. And this is just our department which is small and not so busy.
But Adam and myself were talking the other night about it, and we had a lot of chickens that hadn't sold and we have to throw them away. He said how these chickens were killed to be eaten, and now they are just being thrown away.
Ignorance is not bliss, I have learnt this from my job.
This is not me becoming a vegetarian, though I could easily do so.
I should probably watch some OC now and get lots of sleep. I have only four more times to set my alarm! But knowing my luck I'll land another job with six  am starts. Truth be told, I love them.
But I must go, for this room is a mess and tomorrow will be a serious cleaning and gutting day. Until a good song comes on, then I pick up my guitar and then a few hours later I am still surrounded by mess.
This is what will happen tomorrow. Despite my awareness, I wont be able to stop myself.
And I dedicate this to Cake Shop girl:

On the road to somewhere.

I came up to bed a while ago as I was falling asleep, but apparently coming to bed woke me up.
I did drink an awful lot of coffee downstairs lying down, so evidently the sudden vertical position threw all that caffeine to my head.
Earlier when I was reading I had a sudden sense of deja vu, a premonition coming to be. The only thing is, I only remember the dream as it is unfolding so I would be useless to predict lottery numbers or avert disasters. Oh well.
It made me sad though because I haven't thought about the fate dilemma for a nice long time. Last time I did I eased my mind with the idea of parallel universes so that I could get some sleep. Still a sadness remains, the thought of a predetermined life is a terrible thing. I'd rather not exist if I had no choices. But maybe if I had no choices I wouldn't exist, for I'd just be an empty puppet and fate would be my strings.
I pray this is not the case. Not pray, wrong word choice, but you get it.
I carried on reading, a good read my new book is. Makes me think of myself last year with my plans to go to America. Though I'm pretty sure that not one soul understands that this was not a real plan.
Don't get me wrong, given half the chance I would of loved to go ahead with it, but I had no plans at all so I spoke my day dreams, as I often do.
Back to the book and how it ties it, this guy went on holiday to America and just decided to stay around for a bit. All is possible, just look at Into The Wild.

So I came upstairs as I was tired, but now here I am.
I am tired now though, I shall roll over after this and sleep will be over me before I can say Mississippi mud pie.
Before this moment though I was pottering on the internet and looking through my documents and other such shit. I was lead to read something I never planned on doing so again. But I decided some research was needed to inspire me on starting some sort of project. I said I fancied maybe doing a comic for fun, but I get carried away with words, and that is happening write now.
The Dan from a year ago is not me. Even calling him Dan feels wrong, he wasn't.
I feel ashamed of it. Not sure in what way; the fickle nature of then and now? The words he used? No doubt it is a whole mix of things.
I speak a year later like I have a lifetime of knowledge, and I hope so much that I don't look back and think Dan, aged nineteen, was also a melodramatic prick.
I shouldn't do because since late last year when I got my shit together I kept saying I loved who I was and where I was. This still stands now. It pleases me no end.
Another reason as to why I do not believe that Past Dan was in fact Dan was because as I read certain things my heart remained level. No drops, no elation. The stone in my chest remained so.
Even when I was curious to what I was doing exactly a year ago. It was such a "huh" moment, only without a naked River in a box.
I totally forgot about an entire friendship from being so preoccupied.
I definitely have too much mind in my head. It thinks too much, I swear that it must think more than other peoples. For instance I'll be watching tv with my mother and be thinking about whether or not she is thinking about anything, and is it in as much depth as my thought.
But my thinking at work helped me, I was thinking about how I should tell the new person on the department that she did a good job, so I told her so and thanked her. However I have to think about these things, words rarely fall out my mouth on a whim. Apart from when I am with friends, and I love those simple moments of just living each simple moment.
I don't worry about my mind, not one bit. Everyone has their quirks, not a soul on this land in normal. To  be normal is abnormal, for the abnormal are normal.
I now I feel like a breeze is passing through me. My emotions have flowed through these sentences but now they have come back down to earth.
A most lovely breeze.

Counteracting with the simplest of simple notes.
I'm so gutted to be leaving work now because some beautiful girl has started on Cake Shop. And it is no case of just having someone remotely attractive in the work place, she is beautiful.
There is an essence of attitude to her, and I like it.
She could be the one but now we'll just be ships passing in the night.
I ofcourse jest, I don't think she is the one and I don't believe there is just one person for someone anyway. No, she's just hot.