Tonight has been an excellent night. Chinese, always a winner.
Well, not always, but I have been craving a proper Chinese since coming back from Greece but I have had a month of curries more or less.
Nope, tonight was a welcome change, chopsticks and flavoursome goodness.
And it is the last night Bev and myself will spend together until Christmas probably.
It is a little sad but I can't help but feel aware that all these goodbyes are slightly awkward because in just two and a half months I will be home for Christmas, and that is a tiny percentage of a year.
Plus, I shall be in awe of the good times to come.
That said, I shall miss Beverly a great deal. We are the same, but different. We say that one often. We can also finish each others sentences and have our own language that no one else can translate. And we have our friendship bracelets, not proper gay ones, I bought some bracelets a couple of months ago and I got two with big, round, wooden beads on and so now Bev and I have one each. I love that.
Almost as much as I love this:
The past week has involved a lot of Strummer with the sewing of my jacket and such. I listen to his music all the time, The Clash and the Mescaleros are always in my Recently Played. He makes me feel like myself, and makes me have a sense of belonging.
I really cannot articulate how important he is to me. And my heart breaks whenever I think about how I never saw him, and I think that for my entire life I will have that hole. Yet that is a cross I will be happy to bear as it will forever make me aware of my love for him.
He is my hero, my father figure, my everything really.
Another reason why I have been thinking of him recently too is probably because I have been thinking about Christmas. I rarely feel Christmassy as it is, I have grown older and I haven't ever had someone special to buy gifts for, but the massive factor is that Christmas is the time for the anniversary of Joe's death. Dying at fifty, to say I am not welling up with tears right now would be lying.
Now this links to another father figure, or lack there off.
My dad emailed me today. It was an awkward email for he doesn't do that kind of thing, and he is just a generally awkward being.
Really, I wonder why I attract such socially awkward people in my life, people who just have no idea how to live a life with meaning and reward. It's not like I am like these terrible people, I know this because I had a great time at the bank today. I was apprehensive to say the least and was tempted to not go as it had started to rain. But ten minutes later the rain had cleared and this was just a sign of things to come.
Got everything sorted at the bank, but what was amazing was how I just kept talking. Just the other day I had been thinking how I don't function to well as a whole, like say if someone compliments me I will thank them but not return it, and I wont show affection and warmth when being introduced, but the first thing I did at the bank was shake hands and say "nice to meet you" before I knew what my hands and mouth were doing. I was seriously proud of myself.
The shape of things to come, I hope.
Back on track though, email off dad. I feel for him sometimes because I know it must be hard for him as he must be aware of my lack of enthusiasm and as well, I am not his blood.
But even though I can see why it can be hard, I don't understand. I don't understand people as a whole, their mannerisms and outlooks, or in this case I can't understand why my dad lives the way he does. Enclosed, empty, angry and no strive or want to do anything.
Oh well, it's not my life.
That is it, more or less, yet before I leave I must say how much I love my friends even though none of them will read it, let alone anyone for that matter.
I really do mean it though, they are excellent. They are real friends too, unlike all the rest I left behind when I left sixth form. I still feel like I am in debt with them though for all that happened last year. Was it last year? I can't remember as it all feels so alien, but whenever the awful happened, I still feel like I owe more than I can repay to my friends. It is a testament to them, that even though I hid away, had my views poisoned and just didn't treat them as friends; they are still here to this day, welcoming me as ever. For that I love them.
Nearly twenty years in the making, but now, I truly am Dan.
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