Closure.

"So basically I have said goodbye to her without even saying goodbye, seems worthy to such a bitch if you ask me."

Dan Roberts, December 2009.

I am hilarious. I have so many gems like this one. 

This stems from me reading my old blog entries last night. Why? I do not know. 

Maybe because I am leaving soon I was feeling sentimental and nostalgic. Whatever the reason is I am glad I did it. 

I thought I hadn't changed much this year because when I look back on it, I have worked at Morrisons and that's about it. But then reading my first few entires and my plans for this year, they are worlds apart. This year I was going to save money and work out what to do with my life, then at probably this time now I would be applying to my decided course. 

Well, I was shocked. Things are more different than I imagined, however, as a person I have remained pretty constant. I have gained friends, life experience, but as for my life, it's been in a rut really. But a beautiful rut of self expression and exploration. 

The 28th of January, 2010, that has been a life altering day to say the least. That was when I decided to go for make up and also when I found out Third Eye Blind were coming to London. 

But as I said, in the way of personal growth, not much has happened. I can safely say that the reason for that is because I am now an adult. No more leaving behind childish ways because I have done all that, no, personal growth from now on will be slow and steady. 

All this nostalgia then led me to looking at my journal from last year. Wow. 

Not only is it huge, they could easily be 200,000 words, maybe even close to 250,000, but the persona of it is one I forgot about. The first quarter is just general documenting of days, then it grows slightly when I dipped my toe into the sea of heartbreak. 

Then the other three quarters is post breakup Dan. 

I am eternally grateful that I didn't throw it all away in some melodramatic fit of rage. The entire result of writing down a year is beautiful, I was so up inside my head that had I been egotistical, I would of fancied myself. 

And that is why these days I can just think freely, my mind understands everything that is inside it and then articulate this into appropriate feelings and responses. It's wonderful. 

But better still, I have been so caught up with my life and future that I have left behind all of last year and moved on without realising. 

I had wondered how I would move on because the second half of last year I thought about one person and that was it, then this leeched into the start of this year despite my attempts of leaving it all behind with the symbolic twelves strikes of midnight 2009. 

But I am trying to think of when I stopped thinking about this said person, and nothing stands out. It is like falling asleep, you think about sleep and when it will arrive, but then it just happens and you are none the wiser of it. 

It is a fresh and invigorating feeling and I am glad that I have brought my attention to the lack of attention I have had for however long. 

Closure is a natural thing, the door just closes slowly until you don't hear it click shut. Then with reading my past last night I was laughing at what I was saying, then at some points a heartstring would be plucked and I would smile, but everything was like water on a ducks back as it just fell away and was replaced with the next passing feeling. How very buddhist of me. 

And healthy, I think, because I don't feel like I have opened that door of closure, nope, in fact I feel I have now locked that door. 

I feel like I have shed a skin because I feel really fresh and new. 

Tonight I have double booked myself, it's nice to be in such demand. I have pizza to go eat, then takeaway and films at someone's house. I don't really want to do either because I am cold and just want to wrap up in bed with The OC. 

However, I know that once I am warm and have watched four episodes I will start to get restless, I will then walk around the house until I find nothing to do, come upstairs and watch a few more episodes until I get bored again, and then with nothing left to do I will just go to sleep. 

And, you know, this could be the last night I see my friend until Christmas so I should definitely show my handsome face. 

I came up to pack, but jumped into this instead, and now it id getting on to a time where I should start to get ready. I should be able to sort through some draws before showering.