Student Night!

I dare not list everything from last night, just to be safe.
And I can say that I am a new person, without a shadow of a doubt.
See, I made a squaddie friend last night, and you all know how I feel about the army. All my opinions aside, he was a sound guy. Spend most the night in male company which was refreshing, ended up running and climbing across a construction site to get to Tesco just to buy some more beer at like two in the morning.
Taxi home, then went to someone's flat where he cooked a load of meat, then we ate said meat, and it was good.
I only just had breakfast a couple of hours ago, plenty of bacon, eggs, toast and coffee and then I watched the last episode of The OC.
It will always be an emotional time. Now my life feels empty, it's truly terrible that when a programme I love finishes makes me feel this way. I end up feeling lost and friendless.
It's not Winter yet so I can't watch Band of Brothers, so I may watch Firefly soon. Then cry when that finishes too.

Induction Day mk. 1

Went into college today for my first day as a student.
As far as I know, everything went swimmingly, tutors are lovely as are everyone else.
Getting to know new people is always a great thing, each one with their many stories to tell, myself included.
I like how they warned us that their is more work than we could imagine because I have been waiting far too long to sink my teeth into some meaty work. I'm looking forward to doing all the journal and process work, like when I did my Extended Project, that was really fun as it was my own choice.
Last night I was feeling homesick, at least this is what I assume I was feeling. I very nearly just went to bed early but I took a look at myself and I was one of those people I had been criticising so rather than be a hypocrite I went to the bar and met people. It was a wise move, Daniel.
But now I feel in my element as I have met the rest of the people on my course and just then I was catching up with people on Facebook, it made me feel rooted.
Tomorrow shall be another good day.

Mendip

So here I am lying in my new bed in halls.
All is great.
It is weird to know I wont be going home for a long time, and even then I will be coming back to live at uni.
But it it nice being here. A long time coming. Walking round Taunton I felt at home in some way.
I'm looking forward to Monday, meeting more people and maybe starting some work.

See you soon Buxton.

I am really emotional right now. I have not cried, but I think I might. Even laughter could throw me into tears.
I'm leaving tomorrow, I want to go and I have wanted it for so long now. But I am leaving people behind and it makes me sad to see how much I mean to each of them.
My brother for one, he has been really cute the past few days as he has known I am leaving. I have just given him my Spider-Man comic and my Transformers poster, as I thought, he loved them.
I wanted to give them to him though because I paused and thought about when I was young and how I loved getting things passed down to me from people I looked up to. This is something I always forget because I probably don't think as highly as I should of myself and I forget that I am looked up to be some, and loved by plenty.
I think of myself as an individual too much as well which does not help in such a situation, we're not as independent and individual as we think as we are all so intertwined into one and others life's.
Yet I cannot wait until I am in my tiny room unpacking all the crap I probably didn't need to pack.

I'm now going to enjoy the home comfort of hot milk, cookies and The OC while tucked up in bed.

A room full of dust and a broom to sweep up.

Being nonchalant about packing has paid off, but only just.
I started the day in true Dan fashion with The Omen, then I thought about packing.
Started with clearing my walls. Half a day later I had done that.
Emptied yet another bin bag full of rubbish from my room, and I have no idea where I found it all as my room is tiny.
Clothes are now packed too, two Ikea bags and a bin bag. I am beginning to worry that all this wont fit in a Micra.
At first I thought they would as I just had four big boxes, then I forgot to included clothes, guitar, bedding, etc.
It'll fit.
Now I just have a few corners here and there to finish tomorrow, such as baking an apple pie.
I think I shall start tomorrow with a long bath because who knows when I will next enjoy one. I need to henna my hair tonight too, just waiting for it to dry. I best avoid the giant scab too from where I head butted something hard. That reminds me, I must cut down on my drinks.
Oh yes, and tomorrow I definitely need to finish my painting so she can dry and be packed. That'll be piss as she just needs her hair.
I'm racking my brain to make sure I haven't forgotten anything, but nothing is coming to mind. I'm confident I have all the big important stuff and I'll probably get there and find I forgot a pencil sharpener or guitar tuner.
I just haven't heard from student finance yet, nor have I rang them. Tomorrow. It's just slow as my mum didn't have a certain piece of paper. But it's not like I am poor and am in dire need for it if it's a few days late.
And yeah, I have decided to be vain and untag a shit load of photos on Facebook before I go to uni, can't have them seeing some of those.

My dreams recently have been extraordinary. And I also lie awake for a good while in bed laughing and laughing and laughing. This is obviously a good point in my life.

Thai Green Curry of Awesomeness.

Good day, good day.
Began with paint and recipe research, then list making.
Shop in Morrisons. I always avoid looking at Oven Fresh incase anyone is there, not because I don't want to see them, I just want to see them at Christmas and not now because I feel bad for leaving them a bit high and dry and here I am still.
From getting back I spent all afternoon in the kitchen.
Started with sticky chocolate pecan pie. Prepped my crab cakes. Made a thai green curry paste from scratch.
Then I butchered an entire chicken after seeing it on Masterchef and having the urge to do it. I will say I did a fine job of it too, not an ounce of meat left on the bone.
After that it was just putting together the green curry and making kung po chicken. Oh, and splitting two coconuts which was awkward.
I was busy from getting in, until finally sitting down. And I loved it.
We got some jasmine rice too, which I thought was expensive, then I tasted it and saw exactly why it was priced that way.
I was worried about cooking for Ray because he is a very picky eater, but I hit his pallet perfectly. He gave me the greatest compliment of the evening, but it was just the way he ate everything and then some more. Top of the world, I am.
Ray is top man, I remember when I first met him and he taught me loads of history and tonight I was watching him do similar with Curtis. Heartwarming.
Then of course spending time with my Gran was great.
And another thing that was great was my thai green curry. I will honestly say that it is the best thing I have ever cooked. It was beautifully fresh and fragrant, but what else would you expect when everything I bought was fresh and fragrant, even down to the lemon grass.
The kung po was lovely and sticky, but not a patch on the other.
Crab cakes were lush, but I still don't know how the Thai in town make theirs, just like I can't make tofu soak up curry like they do. I have time to work it out.
The pecan pie was a beautiful success.
Happy times. And with being busy all day I totally forgot to have breakfast and dinner so I was totally ready for it.
I want to eat that green curry forever it was so good.
I'll have to do it again.

Now I just need to pack. I shall do that tomorrow. Sort out my clothes and organise a few bits to where for the next couple of days. I already know what to wear when I go down to Somerset, I have known for well over a week.

Ah, I love Lembit Opik. He is so lovable but I can't put my tongue on the reason.
And I love Gordon Ramsey, he is on tv now so you are being replaced.

Closure.

"So basically I have said goodbye to her without even saying goodbye, seems worthy to such a bitch if you ask me."

Dan Roberts, December 2009.

I am hilarious. I have so many gems like this one. 

This stems from me reading my old blog entries last night. Why? I do not know. 

Maybe because I am leaving soon I was feeling sentimental and nostalgic. Whatever the reason is I am glad I did it. 

I thought I hadn't changed much this year because when I look back on it, I have worked at Morrisons and that's about it. But then reading my first few entires and my plans for this year, they are worlds apart. This year I was going to save money and work out what to do with my life, then at probably this time now I would be applying to my decided course. 

Well, I was shocked. Things are more different than I imagined, however, as a person I have remained pretty constant. I have gained friends, life experience, but as for my life, it's been in a rut really. But a beautiful rut of self expression and exploration. 

The 28th of January, 2010, that has been a life altering day to say the least. That was when I decided to go for make up and also when I found out Third Eye Blind were coming to London. 

But as I said, in the way of personal growth, not much has happened. I can safely say that the reason for that is because I am now an adult. No more leaving behind childish ways because I have done all that, no, personal growth from now on will be slow and steady. 

All this nostalgia then led me to looking at my journal from last year. Wow. 

Not only is it huge, they could easily be 200,000 words, maybe even close to 250,000, but the persona of it is one I forgot about. The first quarter is just general documenting of days, then it grows slightly when I dipped my toe into the sea of heartbreak. 

Then the other three quarters is post breakup Dan. 

I am eternally grateful that I didn't throw it all away in some melodramatic fit of rage. The entire result of writing down a year is beautiful, I was so up inside my head that had I been egotistical, I would of fancied myself. 

And that is why these days I can just think freely, my mind understands everything that is inside it and then articulate this into appropriate feelings and responses. It's wonderful. 

But better still, I have been so caught up with my life and future that I have left behind all of last year and moved on without realising. 

I had wondered how I would move on because the second half of last year I thought about one person and that was it, then this leeched into the start of this year despite my attempts of leaving it all behind with the symbolic twelves strikes of midnight 2009. 

But I am trying to think of when I stopped thinking about this said person, and nothing stands out. It is like falling asleep, you think about sleep and when it will arrive, but then it just happens and you are none the wiser of it. 

It is a fresh and invigorating feeling and I am glad that I have brought my attention to the lack of attention I have had for however long. 

Closure is a natural thing, the door just closes slowly until you don't hear it click shut. Then with reading my past last night I was laughing at what I was saying, then at some points a heartstring would be plucked and I would smile, but everything was like water on a ducks back as it just fell away and was replaced with the next passing feeling. How very buddhist of me. 

And healthy, I think, because I don't feel like I have opened that door of closure, nope, in fact I feel I have now locked that door. 

I feel like I have shed a skin because I feel really fresh and new. 

Tonight I have double booked myself, it's nice to be in such demand. I have pizza to go eat, then takeaway and films at someone's house. I don't really want to do either because I am cold and just want to wrap up in bed with The OC. 

However, I know that once I am warm and have watched four episodes I will start to get restless, I will then walk around the house until I find nothing to do, come upstairs and watch a few more episodes until I get bored again, and then with nothing left to do I will just go to sleep. 

And, you know, this could be the last night I see my friend until Christmas so I should definitely show my handsome face. 

I came up to pack, but jumped into this instead, and now it id getting on to a time where I should start to get ready. I should be able to sort through some draws before showering. 

The South will rise again!

Over a year ago I was in this same position. The position of being woken up in the early hours of the morning with probably the most agonising pain in the world.
Last time it happened I couldn't move my arms for hours without whimpering, this time it was just the wrists and hip.
Got to jump the gun this time though, and pounded the painkillers, those massive horse tranquilizer sized ones. The box says take one every so many hours, do not exceed three in twenty-four hours. There were none left after two hours, although I did only have half a pack left which would of been around five.
My kidneys don't hurt and I am not pissing blood, so I can safely say that I am fine, and they worked because I managed to get more sleep.
My right hand now works fine, just a slight residual ache.
The left is still a bitch. Not as bad as I can leave it sat still and it is unnoticeable but the odd movement will send that sharp intense pain to the pit of my stomach where I want to throw up.
Probably the kind of thing I should see a doctor about, but last time I put them down to growing pains, only uber, intense, makes me want to cry growing pains. Still, that time I manned up and put a tent up, extremely manly.
I can't see anything physically wrong, and there is nothing that could of caused it so again I wonder if they are just late, and hardcore, growing pains.
If it happens again I will go to a doctor, and chances are it will happen again because my Gran had the same kind of thing until her mid-twenties - yay!

But teeth-grinding pain aside, today has been excellent. I went to see a American Civil War history and reenactment thing. I loved it.
It was just like my childhood when I spent days with my Gran down at the cowboy park. That was when I first met Ray and spend an afternoon with him as he showed me all sorts. And now here we all are years later.
I got to play with my camera too, I still love the thing.
Gosh, I miss the cowboy park, and it is shut down too which makes me all the sadder. Still, I am glad I have great stories I can forever tell which include cowboys, campfires and banjos. Learning how to shoot an air rifle. Getting a bit worse for wear in a saloon. Sleeping above a Sheriff's Office watching CSI and reading pagan books. And exploring undergrowth with a six-shooter on my belt.
I am privileged.
Except the lack of painkillers. How I wish I hadn't eaten them all because now I am starting to hurt again.

I need to see in an x-ray style.

Tonight has been an excellent night. Chinese, always a winner.
Well, not always, but I have been craving a proper Chinese since coming back from Greece but I have had a month of curries more or less.
Nope, tonight was a welcome change, chopsticks and flavoursome goodness.
And it is the last night Bev and myself will spend together until Christmas probably.
It is a little sad but I can't help but feel aware that all these goodbyes are slightly awkward because in just two and a half months I will be home for Christmas, and that is a tiny percentage of a year.
Plus, I shall be in awe of the good times to come.
That said, I shall miss Beverly a great deal. We are the same, but different. We say that one often. We can also finish each others sentences and have our own language that no one else can translate. And we have our friendship bracelets, not proper gay ones, I bought some bracelets a couple of months ago and I got two with big, round, wooden beads on and so now Bev and I have one each. I love that.
Almost as much as I love this:

The past week has involved a lot of Strummer with the sewing of my jacket and such. I listen to his music all the time, The Clash and the Mescaleros are always in my Recently Played. He makes me feel like myself, and makes me have a sense of belonging.
I really cannot articulate how important he is to me. And my heart breaks whenever I think about how I never saw him, and I think that for my entire life I will have that hole. Yet that is a cross I will be happy to bear as it will forever make me aware of my love for him.
He is my hero, my father figure, my everything really.
Another reason why I have been thinking of him recently too is probably because I have been thinking about Christmas. I rarely feel Christmassy as it is, I have grown older and I haven't ever had someone special to buy gifts for, but the massive factor is that Christmas is the time for the anniversary of Joe's death. Dying at fifty, to say I am not welling up with tears right now would be lying.

Now this links to another father figure, or lack there off.
My dad emailed me today. It was an awkward email for he doesn't do that kind of thing, and he is just a generally awkward being.
Really, I wonder why I attract such socially awkward people in my life, people who just have no idea how to live a life with meaning and reward. It's not like I am like these terrible people, I know this because I had a great time at the bank today. I was apprehensive to say the least and was tempted to not go as it had started to rain. But ten minutes later the rain had cleared and this was just a sign of things to come.
Got everything sorted at the bank, but what was amazing was how I just kept talking. Just the other day I had been thinking how I don't function to well as a whole, like say if someone compliments me I will thank them but not return it, and I wont show affection and warmth when being introduced, but the first thing I did at the bank was shake hands and say "nice to meet you" before I knew what my hands and mouth were doing. I was seriously proud of myself.
The shape of things to come, I hope.
Back on track though, email off dad. I feel for him sometimes because I know it must be hard for him as he must be aware of my lack of enthusiasm and as well, I am not his blood.
But even though I can see why it can be hard, I don't understand. I don't understand people as a whole, their mannerisms and outlooks, or in this case I can't understand why my dad lives the way he does. Enclosed, empty, angry and no strive or want to do anything.
Oh well, it's not my life.

That is it, more or less, yet before I leave I must say how much I love my friends even though none of them will read it, let alone anyone for that matter.
I really do mean it though, they are excellent. They are real friends too, unlike all the rest I left behind when I left sixth form. I still feel like I am in debt with them though for all that happened last year. Was it last year? I can't remember as it all feels so alien, but whenever the awful happened, I still feel like I owe more than I can repay to my friends. It is a testament to them, that even though I hid away, had my views poisoned and just didn't treat them as friends; they are still here to this day, welcoming me as ever. For that I love them.
Nearly twenty years in the making, but now, I truly am Dan.

Denim jacket.

Today has been a textbook Sunday, and it has been unbearable.
I woke up in a most peculiar state. I didn't know which way was up or who I was, four minutes seemed to last two hours and it felt like I had fallen asleep and woken up two hundred times. Until I put my iPod on and fell back to sleep for a few hours.
The day has dragged on and on. Watched the last Long Way Down, emotional times.
Dexter is still great, but I am gutted that I have Dexter, then starting tomorrow is new Mythbusters and then the week after is new Deadliest Catch. I might not go to university.
But that is probably why today has been even more boring than any other Sunday, I have most things packed and I am on the metaphorical blocks waiting for that metaphorical starting pistol of Friday the seventeenth. I have decided that I shall take a pie as a flat warming gift.
Though today I worried about being with a load of boys. I have good male friends, but I don't think I could live with a load of them.
I wonder if it is the fact I was brought up by girls that has made me this way inclined, or that because I know I was brought up by girls that I think this is what I want. Whatever the input, the output is unchanged.
I nearly got to a million on Bejeweled 2, I think this was the highlight of the day.
Although it was fun because I was on one game for an entire Goo Goo Dolls album, so I made the most of the empty house. Well, I'd still of sang every song in company.
Got some OC watched, watched the end of Transformers which truly is an amazing cinematic experience. They should make a 3D one, or re-release the first one in IMAX 3D.
And I watched Bug too, a nice plummet into insanity of a film.
So really, my entire day has just been watching stuff.
Though I did paint while watching a documentary. It's really coming on. I did an eye today, and already it has put depth into the face. I really like how it looks, and best of all, I can see myself in it.
There might even be some skill in it too, like a pinch of salts worth in a ragu sauce.
Seamlessly from ragu to Gordon Ramsey. I watched him too, and how I love him. I lay there thinking even after my degree, I might just work in a kitchen.
It is the one job I want to do, if just for a short time. I can cook, and the meal I made last night for myself I will arrogantly say I can fucking cook, but I want to learn how they time everything and cook several orders and courses in such a smooth manner.
And I still want to own my beautiful bar/cafe/restaurant.
I want to go to Somerset now. Tomorrow I shall look in town for a pair of trousers because I feel like I am always wearing the same pair. Tuesday? Pretty sure I am going camping, so that will kill Wednesday nicely. Thursday I have to go to the bank, but as I wont be buying shit I'm pretty sure it is going to last all of thirty seconds, so with the rest of that day I should jump into paint.
Friday? Chances are I will be out somewhere.
The weekend? It will be the last time to see my dad before I go down south as he is working away and said nothing about coming to visit me. But that suits me perfectly, it's just going to be more awkward than now as I will have to talk on the phone more often. Since I was eight we have the same teeth extracting phone conversations. I can't wait until I am living on my own two feet in five years time or whatever, but I always think about how awkward it will be with my dad as I cannot see some major breakthrough in our relationship ever occurring.
Anyway, next Monday I shall probably be packing more things and organising some clothes. Tuesday will be food shopping and preparing and eventually cooking as my Gran and Ray our coming over for a big meal to wish me off. To be honest, I think I am more excited about that than starting my course.
Wednesday will be the last of packing as Thursday will be sleeping day as I have to be up at three or four in the morning, which is nothing to a seasoned pro as myself. But why so early, you ask. The intake day is from ten 'til three, so we are aiming to get there early and it's a good four/five hour drive depending. I would say that I would sleep in the car with my glorious memory foam pillow, but I know I wont. I'll get up in the middle of the night, have a coffee, sing to my iPod in the car until we stop for more coffee and pissing, then once I have finished blowing and sipping my coffee the singing will continue.
Wow, there is practically no time left at all.
I love change!

And yeah, the denim jacket that I have had in my wardrobe since I was five, I took it out today and I shall begin to wear it. I think it was my Aunts.

Hello Nikon.

It arrived today, less than twenty four hours after ordering it, talk about customer satisfaction.
I've been playing with it all day, messing with shutter speed and aperture and taking photos of nothing of interest. And taking photos at night is going to be one hell of a treat.
He's beautiful, I think I'm going to get awfully sentimental about my camera as the days, months and hopefully years go by.
I am picturing myself with it in New York.
Ahh, all these years without a camera has definitely made this all the more worthwhile. And it would seem that the universe is shining on me as my dad gave me £150 and I can claim about £250 tax back so even after all this I am going to be up.
Not that money matters, or that I care for it, but I can't pretend I don't need it when I am going to university in a matter of weeks.

My first mirror shot, how wonderful. With my claw like hands.

Impression & expression.

Vinyan, what a beautiful film. Every shot was to die for, rich browns, golden browns and then the only contrast being the guys red shirt. I don't think I have ever seen such a good looking film. And content wise it was excellent, ambiguous and reminded me of early expressionistic horror films.

Finally got my Euros changed to real money again, sent some to Pakistan because I'm a wonderful person and then banked the rest, where I accidently agreed to going in next week for an annual review. I can get my student account sorted at least. 

That money I put in lasted all of a few hours as I came home and ordered some modelling tools, The OC season four and a camera. I've never really wanted a camera as I didn't want to be the one behind it all the time, but recently I have wanted one of my own. This morning I was looking at a Nikon P100, this afternoon I had ordered one. All £277 of new excitingness. 

Oh, and I got some painting done out in the sun, while singing my heart out to some Guns N' Roses. I'm sure the neighbours loved it, because who wouldn't? 

You know, I think I have wanted a Nikon since The Lost World because Nick had one, and I wanted to be Nick so badly. I even pretended my name was Nick for a good couple of years. 

And I was only listening to Guns N' Roses today because I was wearing a Guns N' Roses tshirt. 

I am not at all impressionable in any shape or form. 

Fifteen days to go.

Headache

I want to live in the flat off Shallow Grave. Except without the murder, money, greed and the literal and metaphorical backstabbing.
Excellent film.

Ikea was fun. Got loads, and more importantly I got myself a really good knife and a mortar and pestle. Priorities.
It's almost two weeks until I leave. I'm trying hard not to pack everything because I kind of need most the things I will be taking, but my stomach is filled with to much excitment and I can't help myself.
I think I will go through my books once more to try and condense them further.
I'm swollen with swellness.