I must burn myself less.

Don't you just hate it when you are reminded that people exist? It was like this for me last night, everything was fine apart from when we walked into one place and it was more like walking into school.
I would say I hate these people, but hate requires effort and passion whereas I had forgotten all about these old faces from school and you can't hate something you have forgotten.
It wasn't all disliking though, I saw some other people like my first best friend when I came to Buxton. It was her birthday party and I was wondering if she would still remember me. Not that I particularly cared, it's just when I see people I can remember loads about them even if we were only friends for a short time but I always feel like they wouldn't remember me. No idea why.
It was a bit of a weird evening at times because I haven't had many conversations with people for a couple of weeks and lots of things have been turned upside down. It doesn't bother me as I don't really care. No, that makes it sound bad, I do have an interest in my friends lives but it's each to their own and I'm not in a position of best friendship with everything that I am sorting out for myself.

Only an eighteen hour next week so hopefully you'll see all the good things I'll be doing with my time. It might just be pictures without words because after today I'm going to try and only talk when I have words worth saying because talking about daily life is not fun. Unless I was famous, then loads of people would love to listen to my mundaneness.
But I don't lead a particularly interesting life, not anyway yet, and neither am I famous with hordes of crazy stalker people.
This new layout will come with March and tonight it's still February so I shall tell you what I'll probably end up doing.
I wish to reward myself with a bath I think, and hot drinks in a big jumper and a film. I haven't watched a film in too long. I'm not sure what to watch though because it has been so long. Do I go for a horror? Or something beautiful? Or do I just go for The Dark Knight because that will never fail to make a perfect night. Hopefully my future wife will agree with me on that, we'll watch it all the time as well as doing other things.

Sleep will soon be mine.

Today has been the best day of work by far.
It was Fran and me to set up and you'd probably think that the two of us wouldn't have a good set up, but we had an excellent one. So much so that we got praise from the managers, and it's always nice to have that pat on the back for a job well done.
We all shared an annoyance for one individual, and that gave us a nice bond for a moment.
Got my appraisal done too.
Shared my lunch break with Fran and Matt which was nice because I have been all busy recently so I haven't had much chance to have a good old conversation. We talked about films and art, but nothing at all pretentious.
It was just a nice day filled with good company with a helping of laughter and talk.
And it will continue like that later when I go out and see everyone again.
Oh, I nearly forgot to mention the best customers ever. You know those sort of people who are all grand and confident, well I had three of them, all friends.
Throwing around some banter and small talk, it felt like I had been friends with them for ages.
I threw in some extra ribs for their awesomeness.
They asked if there was an employee survey because they wanted to tell everyone how great I was, it was a great boost to me. There was no survey sadly, so they just told Rochelle that I was the man.

I'm sure there was going to be more substance to this but once more that has all become lost as I recalled my pleasing day.
I've just been killing time until I leave the house again. I haven't been killing the time well, too tired.
Next week is going to be more forgiving and I'll be a good working boy when I pick up more theatrical blood on Monday.
I'm thinking a Glasgow smile.

Friday feeling.

It hasn't registered that it's Friday today, I have done nothing and nor will I be doing anything that is connected to the day. I'm alright with this as there is another early night on the horizon for me and all looks good for a piss up tomorrow night.

I cut my hand again today which is nothing new as whenever I am at work I get at least one cut or burn, but today I was in the back room most the time so I get every single marinade into my hand. Ranging from sweet brine to sweet chili and all the spices in between. On the plus side, If anyone was to eat me now I would taste damn good.
And because I was in the back room most the day my nostrils were filled with the smell of salted pork and the word repulsive doesn't quite cover how I feel about that.
I couldn't even eat any sausages when I got home (even if I did have them for my breakfast) because of the smell. I couldn't become vegetarian though, oh no, even if my substitute tea was a red curry Quorn stir fry thing. It just happened to be quicker that way.

For five days straight now I have been doing at least one piece of make-up a day. Hopefully I can keep this up as then I will have an ace portfolio.
But I have been neglecting everything that can't be affixed to skin even though I have a painting in my head I can't wait to get out.
It's just all this work, I'm so tired all the time. But I'm still getting things done so that's something.
I hope next week decides to go at a slower pace because I want nothing more than a day spent in the cellar doing things that Dan enjoys. And I miss Rory a massive amount, he's down their aching to be touched like a lonely wife.

All sing to say my dream has come.

Why does it seem to be that so many people in management are pennywise but pound stupid?

I was disgusted by old people today, and a little fearful. They weren't even that old, fifties, sixties. I was people watching as I do and I was thinking if I ever grow that old and so undignified it will be the worse thing to ever happen. It's a gross sight seeing someone bumble about with trousers pulled up to their chin.
I might not even grow old, I may die before forty and that wouldn't be so bad. Yet if I do grow old I'm going to do it in style.

That organ donation is on all the time now, I like it, makes me feel good.
I wonder how many more people it has recruited now? Lots, I hope. Seriously, why do people think you need your organs after death, are you a Pharaoh or something?
Or people that will donate everything but eyes or the heart because they think there is something more to them. Fools.
Go embrace death, it's your only certainty. They say all you can count on in life is tax and death but tax isn't a certainty, it's all about death.
I haven't thought much on death recently, being so caught up in new things. I was thinking about this today, thinking about the thought that I haven't been thinking of death but I was too busy thinking about the thought to do any real thinking. Then I put In The Aeroplane Over The Sea on. I haven't listened to that all the way through for a while either.
Then I was thinking about how I have both the greatest song ever and the greatest album ever, I have a good life. I wonder how many other people in the world are fortunate enough to have both of those.

Severing ties.

It's almost the end of the month and it has flown by as I had thought.
At the end of the month I think I will stop with this daily web logging because it's becoming too personal. Talking about daily activities isn't that fun and it's not a good way to spend my time.
No, I shall only post something when I actually have something to say.
This will probably come from me watching a film or documentary which will then fill my mouth with words I want to say.
Basically I'll just bother talking when I have something worthwhile to say because I have set myself a pointless routine with this now and I must break that.
Eventually I will give up with this, I'll try to stick it out for a year. We'll see.
It'll work better when I have a more varied life style, say if I was traveling or doing something grand like that because updating that and telling the world about that would be fun and not a chore.

The Charley Boorman show last night was great. Different from what I had imagined, more like the sit down interviews they have on Top Gear. It wasn't all that expanding from the things I have seen on the tv, some of the anecdotes and tales were nothing new, but a few were.
But it was still a very good show.
Followed by beer, pizza and conversation. I even openly talked about things without being prompted. The right company and beer really will make me tell you my life story, and if you are not the right company I will just laugh and joke.
We hoped that we'd bump into him and have a real big talk, but this didn't happen.
Now all I want to do is watch Long Way Round again. It's always in WHSmiths so I think a detour on my way home tomorrow is likely.

I made my first prosthetic today and for a first attempt it's freakin' awesome! Camera is out of batteries after only three days so you'll just have to take my word for it.

Your space, our space, my space.

I thought I would do one of those MySpace quizzes today to see if the answers would make me seem interesting, but after doing that it seems to me that everything I have said has been said before. 
So here is a snippet of news. I dreamt the other night that CrazyElizabeth texted me. She was some crazy girl from MySpace called Elizabeth (hence the nickname) and I deleted my account so I didn't have to reply to an awkward and crazy message. 
I wonder if she got bitter about that. Maybe I could be as bold to say I turned her off men and made her become CrazyLesbianElizabeth. But I could never be so bold. 
Anyway, quiz (I'll probably do more from time to time as they do all the hard work for me):


Do you think you are pregnant?
No. I lack the needed equipment.

If the year consisted of only one season, which would you choose?
The last month of summer.

You've had sex within these past 10 days haven't you?
Yes, I'm actually having sex right now.

You have to get a piercing, what do you get?
Nose ring.

You have to get a tattoo, where and what do you get?
Day of the dead skull/koi/something japanese and pretty on my arm/chest/shoulder area.

What are you wearing?
Enough, just about.

Do you miss anyone?
No, I get too caught up in my own world.

When is the last time someone of the opposite sex gave you a hug?
It would of been whenever I last went out into town, but I can't remember who the final hug was from.

Plans for tomorrow?
Nurse head, listen to radio, do some make up, take some photos, maybe draw some shizzle, eat and drink plenty of coffee.

Is anything wrong?
Nope. I was thinking about this today and how I finally feel like I have found my niche.

Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
I have a relationship that suits me, not sure if you would call it good.

Are your friends taller than you?
A few, but most the tall people have all but gone and so they're no longer considered friends, just people I knew once. I'm truly lovely.

What were you doing this morning at 5:30?
For a change, sleeping. Silly quiz thinking that's a crazy question.

What were you doing 2 hours ago?
Something definitely more productive than this, possibly sat watching tv or looking at pictures.

Do you like the ocean?
Do I like it? I love it! It is one of the greatest things in the world.

Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
Depends. Company is nice but I curse my own limbs when they get in the way in bed, a whole other person is a whole other thing to annoy me.

How many windows are open on your computer?
iTunes and Safari, so that makes two. But I have multiple tabs so would you count that as extra windows? I wouldn't.

Texted?
My phone is dead, it spends most it's time dead but it was alive the other day and I sent a whole two texts!

Was the first person you talked to today male or female?
If you count a word talking, then it was female.

Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
Mother, when she was kind enough to pick me up.

What woke you up this morning?
Nothing, I awoke all on my own. Unless that crack in the curtains had a hand to play, and the radio.

Do you know anyone named Matt?
I know several. And I like them.

When was the last time you talked to a sibling?
Today. Three of them to be specific.

Is your hair curly or straight?
Beautiful, lush and curly. It needs something doing to it at the moment, it needs a shape put back into it but I think I shall keep it long as I am loving it. This is what I do, grow my hair till it pisses me off and have it all cut off only to regret it two weeks later.

Do you wear glasses?
I do not, no. My sight is fine, I decided, as I can see everything just fine.

Are you currently jealous?
Nope. But I do some times get a feeling like that when I hear a really good song that would of been better if I had wrote it.

What are you doing today?
Going to see Ewan McGregor's friend. And seems how I have red hair I guess for tonight that makes me Ewan McGregor. I love that man, no idea why because some of the films he has been in I disliked.

What jewelery are you currently wearing?
I don't wear any. I sometimes wear a bracelet in the summer if the mood strikes me.

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
I'm not sure how long the rest of my life is going to be, but I could probably do that.

Have you ever in any way, been betrayed by someone you trust?
Not the hardcore, stabbed in the back betrayal. My trust is a weird one, it looks like I don't trust people but that's not true. I just see everyone with their separate life from mine.

How late did you stay up last night and why?
Around the midnight hour, and because I could. And I had ran out of things to do.

Are you picky about who you give your number to?
No because it's not like I will ever answer it. I even gave my number out last time I went out, I forgot all about that. Thank you for reminding me, question.

What do you prefer: McDonalds or Burger King?
Big Mac.

Would you rather go to Greece or Hawaii?
Hawaii, even if they did pave over paradise and put up a parking lot. And I am going to Greece this year so, yeah.

Did you have a good birthday this year?
I didn't. I'm no fan of birthdays but that didn't stop the awfulness of it. 

Our crippled disguises.

The sky is so beautiful as I type this. There is a camera on the table which I could use to capture it but as soon as I would have my shoes on and I've opened the door the perfect cloud composition would of passed.
Yep, they have all spread out now. Shame, but I saw it and so did many others no doubt.
Once again today has been a day of two halves. Work in the morning, then the rest of the day spent as I wanted (which was a mix of make-up and Day of Defeat).
I now have myself two whole days off, back to back. A midweek weekend if you wish.
Couldn't of come at a better time because Bev is here tomorrow as we're going out to the Opera House, and then chances are we will get wankered.
What an excellent way to spend a night.
And also Bev will be coming to Greece this summer! So that's going to be a freakin' amazing week of hangovers. A giant week long hangover.

Yesterday I did something that I haven't done since early November. I shaved.
I normally just trim my face with one of those buzzing trimmer things because my sensitive face doesn't like razors. But last night I wanted a shave because I like the feel of it and the sound of the act.
I soon remembered why I don't enjoy a close shave, being so smooth is weird. Especially when I wear my scarf, if feels so wrong.
And talking about my scarf, I looked at myself in the mirror when I had it on and then I remembered where I got it from. Download.
Then I remembered all about the fun I had that week and all the greatness I witnessed. I saw KISS! And Jimmy Eat World.
And Biffy Clyro. He's on the radio all the time and I really like the singles he releases so I should invest in the album. Then I'll appreciate the fact I saw them more. I didn't see Lostprophets though, oh no. Had this been pre-third album I would of seen them, but because that album was so painful I disowned them.
All these memories coming to me from just a passing glance in a mirror.
A surge of the past is an enjoyable thing most the time and it makes me think that your life may just flash before your eyes when facing death.

The things I get up to.

Snow everywhere. This explains why everyone was buying chickens yesterday, so they could have their Sunday lunch. 

I think little of the people who buy a ready roasted chicken, are they so incapable of cooking their own. 

The people do seem incapable of doing so, most of them are old or obviously a single parent. 

Doesn't stop me from ripping them to pieces in my head. If I ever reach a point where I can no longer cook my own food (assuming I live so long) then I think that will be the point that I give up with life. 

Speaking of which, I played the fun game today that I call reminding mother of her child's mortality. She said she was going out for a bit and she would see me soon. I told her that she wouldn't see me soon if the house burnt down and I was trapped, then she would only see my charred dead corpse. 

I laughed, she said I was mean. 

I'm not mean, I just happen to find things funny that others don't. 

Tell you what I am not good at. I'm not good at spreading my interest. 

Last month I read numerous books and graphical novels, finished a few games too. This month has been all about doing my portfolio and I haven't been able to keep up with everything else that I love. Everything else that makes me...me.

But then again this inability of mine makes me me. 

I'm just feel so busy all the time and I never get to sit and watch a film or read a book in the middle of the day. 

I kind of miss it, but I also love what I am doing now. 

Only two large bottles of beer have been consumed tonight but I feel they hit me hard. First I had that thing where everything assumes you greatly and you can't keep your head up straight without support. This then moved onto sleepiness. I wont fight it, I'm going to embrace it and have a good nights sleep. 

Maybe have myself some good dreams again. 

Last night I dreamt I had a beard, a dream that will one day come true once I become a man. There were other things too but I'm not going to let you into my subconscious but I will say that it was a very tender dream. All sweet and gentle, it was very refreshing and now I have thought about it all again I miss what I dreamt about. 

Damn you. 

Anywho, seems how I have nothing to talk about again I'm going to go up to bed and watch Rescue Me because like a fool I forgot to record it again. 

I promised you that one day I'll give you something worthy to read, just that day hasn't come yet. 

And chances are that day will be far away because I no longer live on the internet. I like that. 

I never liked living on the internet but I couldn't help it, and now I have to find the time before bed to cram in some half arsed web logging. 

I use my phone to contact people more than the internet, and for anyone who knows my phone habits that is massive. 

Yep, I'm going on again. I can't help it. 

I'm going.

Saturday morning.

Today as been a day of two halves.
You know the sort when you think what you did in the morning actually happened yesterday because they seem so far apart.
I'm always happy to leave work but today I was over the moon to run away because for some crazy reason it was busy and there was so much that needed to be done. But at quarter past one that was no longer my problem.

Again, I am far too tired to muster up any reading material other than I am thinking that a day of the dead skull would be a fitting tattoo for myself to get.
I want a tattoo, I might even want many but choosing is not so simple. I also love the Japanese style tattoos and could easily get carried away with those and get two full sleeves.
Problem with that though is that I have seen all of Miami Ink and would only want Ami or Garver to do my tattoos, anyone else wouldn't even come close to second best.
I have no idea when I will get a tattoo but I know it will happen. And probably on some whim when I have some spare money and too much time.
It's how I do most things in life, when I have too much time and money.
Now though, the two are inversely proportional. I get more money but have less time.
Tomorrow I shall use well, I'm draw lots of skulls to see what sort of thing I would want and I can also call that work. Everyone's happy!

This is life and everything's alright.

I was filled with lots of good feelings last night. I had an easy shift at work as it was the closing down shift which involves doing pretty much nothing at all. But it was my walk home that made me feel on top of the world. I don't know why but there doesn't need to be a reason to feel good.
My head was alive with ideas and I wanted to go home and put some into practice but I knew I couldn't do that. I couldn't do anything as I had to get to bed to get as much sleep before I had to get up again.
And walking was really enjoyable too, every song that played pleased me greatly and I liked the dusting of snow, everywhere was lovely looking.
But no night walking for me.
Just sleep.

Tonight I am too tired to do anything. I really want to do something good with my time but there is little energy within my body. I'll make up for this tomorrow when I can pump my veins full of coffee because I have Sunday off!
This is an actual day off because I made the mistake of only looking at this weeks rota and not next weeks. I assumed it would be a normal and quiet week. Nope, another thirty hours. Then the week after that is another thirty hours.
I wont know what hit me. If I ever get a full time job I'll die.
My next pay slip is going to be huge.

Today when Motorcycle Drive By came on my iPod it felt as if my heart was pumping helium. It's a song that will give me goosebumps any day of the week but now every time I hear it I picture May 13th. It really is going to be the best day of my life, I have never felt so excited about anything before.
This got me thinking about how many times I get goosebumps from songs. I get them all the time so certain songs must not only metaphorically resonate with me, but also literally resonate with me which causes the goosebumps.
Then I thought about all the various people I love even though I have never met them. Stephan Jenkins for one, if he died I'd cry my eyes out but if someone I have known for most my life would die I wouldn't shed a tear.
Some might say I am heartless, I just happen to have my heart in the wrong place (or the right place, depended on your opinion).

I'm ever so tired now, I'm going to find a film I think and fall asleep.

Not for me.

I'm not actually here right now, this is the wonder of technology.
Because of this I'm not so sure what there is to talk about.
It's Friday tomorrow. My family returns home tomorrow night. I'm looking forward to this, not because I have missed them but I want the camera so I can get on with doing make-up related things.
This means I will have to clean the house tomorrow. It's not a mess as I have contained myself pretty much to three rooms but doing a few little bits is bound to be a good jesture.
There is also a mountain of ironing so I shall dent that. I don't mind ironing. It's steady and methodical which puts me in a good state of mind. Then throw in a bit of music and I'm a very happy Dan.

Last night I fianlly watched The Godfather. It was a right of passage for me as it has always been there my entire life being called the greatest film ever made.
It was an okay film. No way near the greatest film ever made. I think I must of missed something because it seemed to have nothing a great film has.
The acting was fine but there was only one nice shot in the whole film. I feel like some of the characters had large voids in them because there was nothing to show what kind of people they were.
The music was nothing special and the cross fade was used between nearly every scene which royally pissed me off.
I didn't mind that it was a slow film because I have seen, and loved, many slow films but I didn't find the dialogue at all engaging. Again, it just felt like there was a lot missing. There probably was because of all the things that would of been cut. The filmmakers would of known the characters inside out whereas we don't.
But I do think I must of missed something, there has to be something hidden deep down in it to make so many people call it the greatest film ever made.
It didn't help that I am not a huge fan of crime films (apart from The Departed). I was expecting some big and beautiful intricate web of a film but it seemed too simple.
Maybe it needs to be watched again when I don't need to focus to remember all the names and then I will notice things in the background which will expand the characters and story.
I'm a little sad that I didn't fall in love with this film.
For so long I have been meaning to watch it and for whatever reasons I never did. Now I have seen it and it passed me by just like any other average film.
I don't really like The Shawshank Redemption much. It's a good film, a very good one with lovely bonds between people but it again feels like it is missing something to make it a great film.
The IMDB top 250 can't be trusted.
Dispite my let down I'm going to watch The Godfather Part II.
My heart obviously belongs to Leon and The Dark Knight.

Reflection, Mexican and paint.

Ah, a day to myself. And I used to well.
I decided to paint. Most of the time I hate painting, or paint hates me, or both. I just don't enjoy it as much as other things and it's something I so rarely do I have no style or skill.
But once in a blue moon I have the urge to use a brush and today was such a day.
And like most things it started badly but I soon found myself. Then I threw blood at it and it was done.
I listened to the radio all day as well. I am addicted to it and have been since I went away for that weekend.
Wow, that was in the early days of November. That feels like an age ago because so much has changed between then and now, yet I am still listening to the radio.
It makes a house feel more full, with all the music and talking and it's much better than watching the tv as that requires both eyes and ears, the radio just needs my ears so I can do whatever.

I was supposed to have a party tonight while the house is empty but there is a lack of people. There would be just enough for an awkward gathering rather than a party.
But I don't mind because I was easy about whatever I would end up doing tonight. If there was a party I would love it and drink too much again.
But if I was to spend my night in alone I would love the peace and quiet and watch a film.
It's just an easy going day for an easy going Dan.
I was filled with a sudden urge to write a song after hearing something really pleasing on the radio but Rory was in the cellar and I was comfy so this urge was never grasped.
So instead I made some fajitas and salsa. Ten minutes, from scratch. If I was a woman I'd be the perfect wife, I'm just that amazing.

Yesterday was pancake day (or for those annoying types, Shrove Tuesday) so now it's the start of lent. I can't remember what lent is about, something about something for forty days. There is very little religious about lent these days now, it just seems to be the second attempt for failed new years resolutions.
So what have you given up? You don't need to answer that, I don't actually care.
I haven't given anything up and I haven't even thought about it because I completely forgot that pancake day existed until it was here. I did have pancakes, I had them for breakfast covered with butter, peanut butter and jam. Lush times.
But no, there is nothing striking in my life that could be a good thing to give up for lent.
I've only given up something once, and that was coffee. It truly was the most bizarre forty days of my existence. I wont go into the details because I'll just sound crazy, well it was crazy. Crazy, crazy days.
I gave it up because I was drinking lots of it all the time and decided it would be a good test of will power as I sometimes want to take up smoking just to give it up without any help just to see if I have the will to do it because it doesn't look that hard.
Nope, I shall be filling each day from now until Easter Egg Day with whatever I want.

I think I like today.

Wow it's late. Well, late for Dan as he hasn't seen anything past nine o'clock since Thursday. 

I just recently stood up, my poor big feet. How they ache. 

So anyway, today has been a good day despite how bitter I was about everything yesterday. 

I've said numerous times I am like this. 

When I say you can't take anything I say seriously, I mean it. None of my words hold any real weight because it takes only the tiniest things to put me in a great mood and forget about everything. 

And last night there were a few tiny things that made me very happy. 

Like an reply from a company I emailed because a package hadn't turned up, and it was a really nice, helpful one and now they are sending a replacement free of charge. That made me feel very happy about the world, a nice reminder that not everyone deserves my hatred. 

But what really made me feel great was the best shower I have ever had. I have no idea why it felt so good, but it did and as far as I cared that moment was the best moment I have ever felt. It was just so warm and soothing and made me feel at peace with everything. I was sad to get out but forty minutes was a bit excessive for what had started as a quick shower. 

And then in bed I listened to Love again. 

It's a very pleasing album, even as judgmental as I am. I really am, I'll judge a person by the book they read just like I did today. They were reading some fantasy novel and I went and wrote their life story from this one piece of information, and it wasn't a good life. 

I'm not judgmental in a bad way, I just get carried away sometimes with my own thoughts. 

I'm also not so great at being tolerant of people. With most things I am fine, I love variety but sometimes I really can't understand why people can't see the world as I do. 

But I'm good, I pretend to be all accepting and only rip people apart in my head. 

Back to Angels & Airwaves. Quite a bit of what Tom DeLonge sings about is things I don't agree with but unlike with most things, I am actually accepting and respect what he believes in. 

Like when he sings about true love and such, that's not for me. There is no such thing as true love. You could fall in love with one person and be with them forever but that doesn't make them your true love because if you had of not met them then you would of found someone else and could of been with them forever instead. No, the idea of a true love implies no need to work at anything and that is far from true. 

I'm not trying to cheapen anything, I do believe in love, just not true love. That belongs with all that other crap like fate. 

And despite this view I have I still love everything he has to sing about. I don't know why, it's probably just because I love him and his music is great. 

And there is a cuteness about him. 

Speaking of cute, Clare is back in Lost. I have seen many cute things in my days but she is number one, hands down. 

The actress probably isn't as cute in RL and as a real person but in Lost the character is so beautifully cute. I'd love for her to be sat here right now and I would stare at her until I died. 

Just another one of those fictional characters I am in love with. I should edge my bets with a real person one day but they would have to be pretty fucking amazing to come out on top of Mary Jane and all the rest. 

So I said I think I like today, and it has been a good day indeed. 

A case of not what you are doing but who you are doing it with. The right company can make the world of difference. 

I definitely glad to have a day off tomorrow though. Being at work isn't too bad, it's the getting up and having to go somewhere and do something I don't really want to do that gets me down. 

It's just the way I am. I'll drag my feet until the end, then get on with it and find it's not as bad as I thought. 

I need to leave now as I am ever so tired and I aim to be fresh faced tomorrow. Well a fresh face would mean shaving and that's unlikely to happen so I aim to be as fresh faced as I can be because I want to do lots of things as I got a new book today full of things for me to do. And if I do everything that's in this book I'll have a huge and amazing make-up portfolio. And isn't that what every wants out of life?

My indifference is soon to become resentment.

Yep, last night I was not at all happy because I really didn't want to get up at stupid o'clock to go and do something I don't care about.
I cursed the world walking this morning, everything pissed me off from cars going past to my iPod not playing songs I wanted to listen to.
But then as soon as I got to work I forgot about how much I was hating everything and my head switched off.

It only switched back on when I went for my break and then I was cursing myself for being so incapable of sticking with my bad mood.
I'm awful at doing things like that. I can see myself being one of those people that wake up next to someone one day and decide I no longer love them with no warning or real reason.
Yet this is just day one, by Sunday I will probably resent every single moment of working.

Today has been a long day. Not in the bad sense, it's just felt really long and it's still not late now. I haven't managed to use all this time well. I started to do some work and assumed that everything I needed would be there and it would work. Dan should not assume such things.
And then finally once I had everything sorted it was dark, and I needed to outside light to do what I needed.
Damn, I just realised I wont be able to do it tomorrow either because I'll be getting home late and I also wont be able to buy anything. This is only making me hate work more, it's now dictating what I can and can't do even when I am not there. Bastards.
I think I might of made a mistake too. When I bought all my food for this week I got it all fresh so I could make lots of exciting things. I'm beginning to wonder if I will want to be cooking everyday.
I probably will.
I just haven't been cooking much lately, or playing guitar.
In fact everything to do with music has been neglected a bit of late. I just leave my iTunes on shuffle and that's that. I haven't listened to Tammany Hall NYC for too long. I have only listened to the new EELS album a handful of times because then the whole Third Eye Blind thing happened and that got put aside.
It's not good.
And lately I have been busy with my decision to go for special effects, but even that is slow going at the moment as I was too tired all weekend long.
I really wish this week was all mine to do what I want because I know I would get the most out of each minute.

I got my first junk mail today. I look forward to receiving more.

The cure is if you let in just a little more love.

What a kerfuffle of a day. Things that should of been quick and easy in the morning got dragged out all the way into the mid afternoon.
None of it woke me up at all, it all made me more tired.
But being tired is a good thing because I need an early night tonight.
Last night was very enjoyable. Lots of wonderful conversations with wonderful people.
Some parts of the night reminded me of things that I'd rather not be reminded of, but that didn't make anything bad.
And it was a well cheap night. The first bottle of wine cost me nothing as I was owed money. Second bottle was only two fifty and after that I was on cheap beer. I even found a fiver in a pair of trousers before I came out. I like it when I forget to take money out my pockets only to find it weeks later, it never fails to please me.
What doesn't please me is when people from school who I rarely talked to say hi. It's a weird feeling because I am there wondering how they even know my name because I didn't think I had too much of a presence at school.
However, when people you like from school talk to you all night, that is a good thing.
And on my way home I saw something I hadn't thought about for a while, so I went home and did that.
Vague, I know - but do you really think I will let you into every aspect of my life. Of course not, I have to be very selective for what I disclose here.

It's Valentine's Day today. I say some kid in the shop buying roses and a bottle of vodka. He's getting laid for sure tonight, either via romance or taking advantage of a drunk chick.
I've never done anything special for Valentine's Day so I have no idea what I am missing out on, ignorance is truly bliss. I have nothing to complain about this particular day which may be surprising seems how I hate the world.
And I got my Angels & Airwaves album so that has made me happy. Even better, they were giving it away for free download. You can pay if you want to say thanks or whatever but I didn't. I'll pay my thanks if I ever go see them live.
It's a good album. At first I felt like it sounded too polished but that soon passed as it's pretty much a seamless album with a great flow. It's not as good as We Don't Need To Whisper but I always seem to love a bands earlier albums compared to the later ones. But it is still very Angels & Airwaves. I still imagine beautiful things when I close my eyes and listen to it.
I had a beautiful moment with them last year, so amazing that I am sure I will remember it forever. I was in the car with the window open on a summer's evening when the sun had just began to descend from it's height and everywhere was bathed in this golden light. I was listening to the song Heaven, and I'm pretty sure that moment was my own personal Heaven.
This new album has a song called Letters to God, Part II. Letters to God was a Box Car Racer song and I love how things link like that. I do love when things link together and cross over and come full circle.

I don't believe in any old Jesus

...if there was a God then why is my arse the perfect height for kicking?

That's not an opinion of mine, it just makes me laugh each time I hear it.

I keep having crazy cheese dreams, but I'm not eating cheese before I go to bed. What a world we live in.
I'm really enjoying the dreams, they make going to bed 100% better. Unless I'm really tired, then they only make going to bed 66% better.
Fairly sure I had something good to write here today. I remember thinking about what to write on my break but now everything has escaped me.
Oh well, it's your loss and not mine because I once knew what I wanted to say whereas you never knew.
I should probably be nicer to you, but I can't help it. I am mean regardless, but here I can create an internet ego which makes everything worse.

Tomorrow should be a good day. It's one of my few days off over the next however long but I really want to fill it with lots of good things. I no longer want to stay in bed all morning, I want to make everyday worthwhile. Or at least a few hours of each day worthwhile, the rest I can just watch tv.
Last month I was such a gamer, I finished about four games but this month I have nothing. I miss it sometimes, coming home and doing nothing but sitting on the Xbox until I get hungry. I have a Game gift card too but I just have no idea what to get, nor do I want to get anything.
I always was a bad gamer. Back in the day of the Cyber Emporium, I just couldn't take any of it seriously (probably why I never played Guild Wars) and found it more rewarding to try and shoot Dave in the back of the head no matter how many times I died.
And another reason I am a shit gamer, I haven't even played COD online yet. Yes, I call it COD because sooner or later cod (the fish) will become extinct so there will only be COD left. There was logic somewhere in my head, but my fingers are doing the typing not my head.
I would of played COD online but my router only has one ethernet port and that's being used for the computers internet. I could buy a dongle for sixty quid but my Xbox is literally right next to the router so I would be paying two pound per centimeter of wireless. That's just not going to happen.

I need to trail off starting now because I need to get ready to go out.
This month has been quiet on the going out front compared to last month.
February is almost over too. It may be the middle of the month but it's nearly over because next week I will be busy from sun up to sun down everyday so if I blink at any point time will fly by.
Then the week after is another busy week and the final week of the month. I'm happy it's going by so quick because then it will be March.
Nothing special about march only that it's April afterwards.
And what's so good about April?
Only that it's May after! And then it will only be thirteen days until the best night of my life. Ever.
Third Eye Blind!
They were played on Radio One the other morning and I could not hide my joy. I might of squeaked and giggled and turned the volume all the way up.
Even if I hadn't been excited about seeing them, it would of made my day just for them being played on Radio One. Everything in my life seems to be better by two fold.
Sleeping leads to great dreams.
Other things lead to other good things.
And everything is better just because I'm going to see Third Eye Blind.
This isn't trailing off.
I shall cut off now as I need to stir and fry and sort out this fluffy mane on my head that's been under a hat all day.
(I was about to do some x's then, how silly).

Well, I guess this is growing up.

You know how I said I would be good and patient? Well it lasted about an hour. The house was empty and I was bored and I found a book on the internet. I bought this book and it had a preview of it, and it just so happened that this preview was about derma wax.
So I had a play again and it worked out much better this time, still not great but a stepping stone to better myself. I will wait until I get this new book before I do anything proper.
I'd show you a picture but they are on the PC and that is like eighteen steps away so it sucks to be you.

Last night I played on Day of Defeat because the shiny, new computer is grand. Within five minutes I was on top of the server. I wasn't as good as I used to be, I used to be 2:1 but now it's more like 1:2.
I'm guessing none of you know what I am talking about, but when has that ever stopped me.
I got so caught up playing it I completely forgot I had work today at six so I had a later night than I wanted.
Yet even though I only had about five hours sleep it felt like twelve. I had vivid and deep dreams which always makes sleep feel longer and I woke up a few times in the night to look at the time and have a sigh of relief while I melted back into the pillow.
And because I forgot about work last night I also forgot to shave so that meant I had to do it this morning. It's not exactly the most comfortable thing to be doing early in the morning where razors and necks are involved but I sleepy Dan did a pretty good job.

Work went on longer. Two hours and fifteen minutes longer. I said I would stay longer as it's not like I had anything else to do. Something about working the counter while someone did some paperwork, but I saw no paperwork being done. I don't mind, extra money.
Walking home I was thinking about growing up. I'm an adult now and I work, albeit part time but I have a job. I could keep this job for life if I wanted so in that respect you could say I have gone through all of growing up.
And you know what, it hardly feels like I have at all.
You spend seventeen years waiting to be eighteen, waiting to be an adult but what for.
I know growing up is not stepwise, it's a steady unnoticeable thing but when you're a teenager you can't wait to grow up.
But I just don't think there is anything good about it. It's just something that happens. There is not a lot of difference to being at school and to being at work. There are obvious differences but I just don't see the two being worlds apart.
I look back and think about how I wanted to grow up, but what for. Evidently it was so that I could say I was an adult and just work my life away.
I don't know, this made perfect sense in my head but the words are not coming out so well here.
And I am no fair person to talk about such things. I didn't care about school grades so I certainly don't care about climbing a career ladder.
It probably doesn't help that growing up is something that is talked about a lot when you are a child but it's not something you can notice in front of you, it's only something you notice when you look back. You have something all dressed up that you can't see unfold.
Yeah, I will definitely give up trying to word my thoughts now.

Next week is going to be something. You know I have the house to myself and I was planning on getting loads done but it's half term so I have a fucktonne (fuck-two-thousand-two-hundred-and-four-point-six-pounds for you imperial users) of hours next week. Thirty! I didn't know there were that many in a week.
I have just two days off but it's not all bad because my hours are all over the shop (yes, I am that hilarious) so I have mornings off and afternoons off to get somethings done.
Guess it saves me making some meals, I can just eat there instead.
And with a empty house next week I can finally get round to watching the Godfather and Godfather Part II.

F/V Cornelia Marie

Sad times in the world of Dan. I read on IMDB that Phil Harris had died, captain of the Cornelia Marie and star of Deadliest Catch.
And it wasn't just a passing sadness when you read some bad news, this genuinely upset me big time.
It's not like when a character from a program dies, this was a real man with a real family.
He died of a stroke. His health has been shitty the past couple of years but he survived a blot clot going through his heart so with a feat like that you'd think he'd stick around forever.
But no, sad times.
Last night I wanted to watch some Deadliest Catch but for the first time ever it wasn't on so I had to make do with a program about torture while I played mahjong. Yeah, solitaire has been replaced by mahjong now.

Today I woke up at exactly the same time that I woke up yesterday, 8:23am. How strange.
This mornings film was Dumplings. It was a very good film and one I would recommend wholeheartedly. However I don't think anyone would watch it once they know what it's about.
In a nutshell this woman makes dumplings that make you more youthful and the secret ingredient is unborn babies. And if you care to now, a five month baby from a first time mother is the one that will have the greatest rejuvenating effect.
Think what you will but it was a good film, one of those ones that have a huge fantasy element but the story is so good that for the whole time the movie is on you believe it is all possible.

I was fed up with drawing today and wanted to make something happen. It didn't help that I had everything I needed to play around with make up but one thing. Impatience won today.
I should of been more patient because substituting and improvising got nothing to work. I also put derma wax on me only to realise straight away that I had nothing to remove it with.
None of it was at all confidence building but that will teach me to be impatient.
But I did manage to get all the wax off. I needed something with alcohol in but I didn't feel like routing female rooms for makeup remover. Mouthwash has methanol in so I used that and it worked well.
Then to get the rest I thought, "all this is hydrophobic so I can't use anything water based".
Vaseline.
So finally my A levels in biology and chemistry have proved themselves useful.
I learnt my lesson, I'll be patient and good.
Maybe, it's hard to be good a patient when I am constantly buying new things.
I say again, it's a good job I have a job.

Déjà vu

Last night I realised I was living the exact same night that I lived two weeks ago.
Watched Shameless and followed it buy getting cosy with a hoody and watching a program about the Coast Guard until I went to bed.
"Daniel, your life is in a rut" I thought to myself, "a fucking awesome rut!"
And it's true, my life is same old same, day in day out but I like it. Repetition is fine when you like the things you are doing.
And what is there not to love. Lie in bed with the radio until I feel ready to get out of bed. Have a bagel with a cup of coffee and watch some tv, be it program or film. Drink more coffee.
Then fill up more of a sketch book while listening to music all day long with the occasional coffee and guitar breaks.
This pattern is sometimes broken up by work but that only stops me staying in bed all morning and by the time I get home it's around the time I would get up so I can carry on with my day any way I want.
My life is so free from complications and drama.
Admittedly there are a few holes in my life that I would like filled, however I am too busy enjoying me, myself and I to let this bother me.

I think it's this good mood of mine which is making it hard for me to fill this space. I don't have any anger in me to vent at you all and I haven't seen any anger filled documentaries for a while now.
Soon I think I'll either have to make up stories or tell tales from my past to fill this up.
Mainly to make it more fun for me to write and to interest myself, keeping up your interest just happens to be a by-product.
I'm the most loving person in the world.

I am looking forward to having the house to myself next week. I can have music on as loud as I want all day long. Cook lots of food. Not get dressed. Have an orgy.
The list could go on.
But most the things on the list wont be done. I'll just do lots of work, watch lots of films and get lonely. Then have a wine evening. It's just going to be a party, I just wanted to give it a classy name now we are all older.
Before everyone leaves me I need to go shopping so make sure you remind me on Friday.
And where is the postman/woman? They haven't been to my house in three days and I need my parcel to hurry up!
I want it now!

Tuesday.

I have so many films to watch at the moment. I record late night films and then fill my day times with them, but at the moment I don't feel like filling my days with films.
That is right, you heard me correct and I'll say it again so you know you heard me right. I don't feel like filling my days with films.
I am too busy enjoying working. Having a routine and a sense of time well spent mixed with the occasional bit of pride is all I need at the moment.
And I have myself a normal sleeping pattern too. Bed at around midnight and rise at around 8:00am. I just can't sleep all morning anymore now I have things to do.
Getting out of bed is now a good thing when it used to be pretty pointless as I would get up and do nothing only to sleep again and do it all again the next day.
Many people have said this about me, that I am a person who has to do something. Keep the brain active and such. I always knew these people were right about me but I would tell them they were wrong. Either because I enjoy being awkward and annoying or because I don't like too many people knowing too much about me.
I could still go through life just fine without a job if I had the money, I'd just have to do lots of various things all the time and learn stuff.
I was pretty sure I was going to come to some point with all this but I think I expanded to much and everything has become lost.

The final season of Lost started on Sunday night. Who knew? Not I.
It's repeated tonight so everything will be okay. I'm not a huge fan of Lost, I was for the first season. Second and third were good but then I began to care less after that. I'm not giving up on it though, that would be a waste of time to watch five seasons but not the final one.
Unlike most people I don't watch it in the hope of finding answers, I prefer the questions. Questions get you thinking and exploring all sorts of possibilities. An answer is a dead end.

But I am still curious on how it's all going to tie together and end. Assuming it does that, they may be crazy and leave it all ambiguous - which wouldn't bother me but it would sure anger most the world.
Also on tv tonight is Swords: Life on the Line. It's basically the real life version of The Perfect Storm (which is my favourite film to watch when ill in bed). It's on the same lines of Deadliest Catch, and I fucking love Deadliest Catch.
And finally we have Shameless. I would like to say thank you to Sky+ because you make my life complete and simple. What would I do without you?
Probably use the internet to watch everything and get pissed off at the amount of my life that will be just spent waiting for videos to buffer.
I'm sorry, because I forgot what point I was trying to make before I have now discussed my tv habits with you. Luckily for you we didn't even mention Firefly.
Just you wait until I'm watching that.
I love my captain.

Big news here, I left the house today!
And what an evening to leave on, such a wonderful sunset. I was jealous of those clouds as I sure wouldn't of minded being kissed by that sun.
I went to the post box to send off my application.
Despite it being one of the easiest things to fill in I found it a bit hard to fill in the personal statement bit. It took me a whole ten minutes instead of a few minutes as I was decided what was worthy to go into it as it was only four questions. It was hard to think of things that would stand out from the norm.
Yet it was slightly better than the personal statement I had last year:
I'm Dan, but you can call me Jack, and I'm amazing.

I'll make this more interesting one day. You're on the back burner you could say.
Something I have to do and not so much something I want to do.

New sock feeling.

People say it's the best feeling in the world. It's nice to have your feet plunge into something cool, smooth and fresh for a change but it's far from being the best feeling in the world.
I am talking about this because I am wearing new socks today, and for the over curious ones out there they are Batman ones. Putting them on was a good feeling, however I didn't feel like I might die from a pleasure overdose.
I wonder if you can die from too much pleasure?
If so, what would my pleasure overdose come from?

Well, because I started with a complaint it only seems right to carry on.
Want to know what else annoys me other than most things in the world? Doesn't matter what your answer is because I'm going to go on regardless.
When people say they need to find themselves. What the fuck!?
Maybe I have said such words in the past, but never in a serious way. Anything I say needs to be taken with a pinch of salt.
But these people, what are they on about really.
It's probably just one of those excuses to get out of relationships.
"I need to find myself."
"It's not you, it's me."
"I'm gay."
I just don't get it but this is probably because I don't feel like a lost sheep. I know who I am and I know what I like.
Or maybe it's just the way it's worded, finding yourself, like it's something you have never had before. Maybe when folk say this they actually find something that was in them all along.
But finding yourself? Can someone really go through their life and know nothing about themselves.
Actually, now I'm arguing against it, it could make sense as some people create a life around a success that has been dictated to them and never have they stopped to think.
All in all, I don't think you can travel the world and find yourself. No, you are who you are. Everything's in there, only some of that needs to be uncovered. Traveling the world and doing all those cliche things may catalyse that uncovering but you can "find yourself" by just sitting down and having a good old think about where you are, how you got there and how you feel about it all.

Anyway, the Saints won. That pleased me. What didn't please me was the taste in my mouth this morning when I woke up, it tasted like a bad party.
I'm glad it's a Monday today as I had a nice quiet day time while everyone was at work and school.
I have also come across a load of old things when I took a book out my room. It was full of little doodles I used to do in bed, mainly of Spider-man and Mary Jane. They were fun to look at, but then on the back of one of them I had a list of my favourite bands at that point in time. The only one there that is still in my top bands was The Clash, there was no sign of any of the bands I love now.
I wanted to go back in time and ruffle fifteen year old Dan's hair.
I'm going to go now as I am bored.

Happy Super Bowl Sunday, y'all!

It's not on that late either so I will be staying up to watch it. Giant bottle of Stella is in the fridge ready and I am sure I can cook up some food.
As you know I want the Saints to win and so does that guy on the radio. I fell asleep listening to the radio again and it's nice to wake up to it. It's just there to bring you into the day.

My college application form came yesterday and it's one of the easiest forms I have ever seen. The closest thing to a personal statement in it is five lines to fill about what you want to do after the course. I just forgot about the huge differences between college and university so it is all coming as a very happy surprise.
I really have seen many harder application forms. The Woolworths one for instance was huge and you had to write loads about why you want to work there and what you could bring to the company. I didn't even fill that form it because it was too big. But now look, Woolworths is no more. Looks like I was the winner all along.

I'm glad I don't go to church because I really like doing nothing on a Sunday. And today I sure did nothing, well nothing too straining. Because we now have a new computer I decided the best thing to do would be to play some Half Life 2 that wouldn't freeze at every auto save. And I was right, it was the best thing to do with my morning.
This was followed by Rob Zombie's House of 1000 Corpses.
It wasn't the best of films but it did have the odd good bit of acting, or a good shot or something else pretty and clever but none of these were redeeming factors. It was set in the 70's and I guess it was some sort of ode to 70's horror as most the film drew parallels to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I found the first half of the film was trying too hard to look like it was from the 70's and it just made everything unbelievable and the whole feel of the film was like some shitty made-for-tv film. Yet by the second half the push for that 70's feel seemed to stop which made everything flow better and it did make it feel like it would belong in a cinema in 1976.
It started as a simple slasher but by the end it was in the realms of sci-fi/fantasy. Maybe that conversation at the beginning was a foreshadowing when that kid said he liked sci-fi more than westerns.
If only the first had been less wooden and the ending had been toned down a little and if that woman didn't have such and annoying laugh it would of been a satisfactory film.
As I said, it had a few moments of good filmmaking and more so nearer the end so I would hazard a guess that it was filmed mainly chronologically.
Then Rob Zombie must of got really good when making The Devil's Rejects because that was a great film. It's the sequel to House of 1000 Corpses but thankfully it leaves behind the fantasy element because what made it a great film was the sadistic and deranged characters. I particularly liked the way Zombie used music in The Devil's Rejects as it really made us see the world through their eyes.
And the sequel had a complete recast apart from the one good actor from the first film. That was another shame about the first one, their was one really good character but he was surrounded by terrible actors and filming.
Are you asking me why I watched it all if I didn't like it?
Because.
Because I started it and I had to finish it. It takes a spectacularly shit film for me to turn it off before the end. And it was a horror film. The more horror films I watch, the better I will feel on my deathbed about the life I lived.
And then because I like to talk about them like this. I could be a horror film critic like that guy with long hair and a mustache. You know the one - well you probably don't (I sometimes wonder why I bother with you).
Despite all it's faults, this film got me thinking. Got me thinking that I could create an amazing ghost train. The term ghost train wouldn't do justice on how amazing mine would be.
Then I thought I should have a horror theme park, and the gift shop would be like a mall with zombies walking around. I wont pay them much, I'll save money by getting most my actors as they come out of doing some drama degree while they are all fresh faced and willing to work cheap. My cheap little whores.
I'll be living the dream.
Mark my words, 25 years from now the Disney parks will have serious competition on their hands.

I am very nearly done with drawing every single bone in the body, just the arms to do now.
After they are done I shall reward myself by allowing myself to do something fun and colourful.
And soon I will have the house to myself for a week so apart from the obvious house party that will occur I can get loads of done. All I need is some big paper.
Isn't life wonderful?
Mine certainly is.

Today a woman told me she loved me. I told her she was welcome.

True story, no matter how out of context it is.
I'm not going to go into the details of the story though because I find it much more interesting to be left as it is.

And while we are already talking about love, it's almost Valentine's Day. I'm not one of those anti-consumerism people who refuse to do anything because why should they just show their love one day a year. It's not like that though. You can show love all year round, just that day is dedicated to love.
It is far too pink though, too cushy and all those other horrible things they sell. I guess I like my love cold and hard, rather than soft and gentle.
I should admire those who refuse to do things on Valentine's day as they are brave people. I'd never dare to tell a girl to fuck off on such a day - unless of course I didn't like her and then it would crush her, making the whole day better.
I've had my Valentine for most of last year. New Angels & Airwaves album comes out on that day and it is aptly named Love.
But chances are I wont get this cd on the day because the past few cds I have pre-ordered have taken a few days to even be stocked in Britain. Though Angels & Airwaves are more popular than Third Eye Blind and the EELS so there is always hope somewhere.
So I shall hopefully have a romantic and intimate evening with a cd. It's only right really when you think about it, I do love music more than anything. My favourite song is literally my favourite thing in the world.
It's true, no matter what you come up with that song will always come out on top.
And along with this album, Angels & Airwaves are releasing a film too which is also titled Love. I don't expect this to be out on Valentine's Day though, assuming it ever gets releasing in cinemas this side of the pond.

I'm feeling pretty alive today. I died last night.
When I got in from work I did nothing but watch some Miami Ink repeats and went to bed at 7 o'clock.
I know! Crazy.
I haven't been to bed that early since I was four or something. It was a wise move though and I went and had the deepest nights sleep filled with the most vivid dreams.
I wont go into the details of these dreams either.
Saying all this, I am still looking forward to sleeping tonight and not getting up tomorrow until I feel like it, and at this rate I will feel ready to get out of bed on Tuesday night.
I'll be a trooper and get up tomorrow morning and do some more work but I may give myself the night off tonight again. I feel I deserve it and I don't need to justify my choices to you.
And I have beer to drink, that requires a lot of difficult work.
Yeah, I'll just have an orgy of work tomorrow.

I had a parcel come for me today, sadly no one was in to sign for it. I'm guessing it will be my makeup. It's not all doom and gloom because I still haven't got my latex so hopefully that will come on Monday when I collect my other stuff.
Then I can look like I have gender issues by looking myself in the bathroom and spending hours on my makeup.
Look at that, we have come full circle today. Starting and ending with two out of context remarks.
I like things that come full circle.

I'm fairly sure the world is telling me to name my daughter Ava.

Seriously, this name follows me everywhere I go. It's a nice name so I don't mind and maybe I will name my daughter Ava.

Gosh I'm sleepy today even if my job doesn't entail the greatest amount of work. I like that about it.
I also like how it's so separate from my life, I think about this as I walk there and notice I have nothing with me. I'm so used to walking that road with a bag full of stuff from all those years of school. Now though, everything is all clear and apart, no bleeding into each other. I like that.

I don't have many words to bore you with tonight because I am trying to will myself to go finish another page in my sketchbook.
Sin City needs to be finished too because I'm near the end and it's all very exciting.
But I think I want to sleep more.

What's that you're cooking? Blood.

Today I was going to set out to what I was going to do last week. But I didn't.
Two reasons, I had missed the deadline for one of the courses I was looking at which was no fault of mine as I only found it after it's deadline.
Second reason being I found a better sounding course. Again it's a foundation in make-up and special effects but this one then lets you progress to the next course up. And then if I still can't get enough of it after two years I can do a top up to a real degree. However this course is at Leicester College.
It doesn't really make much of a difference though because if I go there then I will be spending my money on accommodation rather than travel. I'd just need to get a new job.
This is all assuming I get there.
I had a really nice chat on the phone to the college even though I have nothing more than a GCSE in art, and not a particularly good one at that because I decided exam preparation was too much like hard work.
I was a good student.
But yeah, I really enjoy it when people are just as happy as me on the phone. They make my day and I probably make their day too with my upbeat attitude.
The way they explained things to me is you apply by form and then you get a interview regardless. If so that's awesome because my application form isn't going to look all to great because I was a hardcore scientist. And interviews aren't scary, and I would love having an interview about something I have an interest in because then I wont shut up long enough for them to even ask me questions.
Yet this all I means I have a fucktonne of work to do. I am being a good boy though, this is my fourth day spent in the cellar drawing all day. Now I just need to stop being distracted as often and leave Rory alone for a while. He'll understand, he knows not to be jealous of a skinny pencil when he has that sexy, voluptuous body of his.
I also need to expand out more, I'm thinking Asian art. Or I could just do everything in pastels because they are quick and easy and make you look better than you actually are.
If you haven't noticed, I'm still really excited about life.
It's weird, I have always imagined since junior school that I would go to university and become successful but now I am looking at doing some vocational course at a college. Goodbye academia.
Maybe this will work in my favour, they'll see me and say "wow, this kid has thrown away what could of been a rich and prosperous life in science for slumming it with art."
Yeah, that's exactly what they'll say.

My dermawax came today. Now hopefully tomorrow I'll get my makeup and latex then I can play around and have a fun afternoon. I also picked up ingredients for blood on my way out of work. I couldn't find any liquid glucose but luckily I'm not all braun and beauty, I have brains too and new I could just mix up a thick gel with corn flour and water. It worked out well, added some food colourings, strawberry syrup and balsamic vinegar. It looks good and flows good, however the mix of those smells is rank. It may be edible but I'm not digging having that in my mouth.
I managed to spill some as well and the kitchen looked like a crime scene. This was a good thing as it let me admire what a fine job I had done.
Only for my mum to be grossed out by two cups of blood on the side. As I have told you before, I find great pride in scaring and grossing people out.
And speaking of mother dearest, I let her into my life and told her what I had been doing with my day which lead to a nice talk.

Who'da funked it? Me going to see Third Eye Blind and maybe even going into higher education this year.
Well no matter what I think I really need to be doing something come September because I have gotten myself far too excited so if I fail to get on any of the courses I apply for I will try just a plain art foundation and some local, crappy place.
Life is great even if I am going to be twenty at the end of the year. Twenty...gross.
Nineteen though, I didn't like it at first. It made me sound older when I didn't feel it but now I like it. It's a good age.
I'm going to stop talking now because I could go on and on all night long because I'm so chipper. So stoked.
And I have work again tomorrow at six until three. Yep, a real man's shift, for real men - and Dan.

Ella! Ella!

I'm in a mighty fine mood today.
I got up much later than I intended. I got up at twelve o'clock. It was hard to get to sleep last night, it was one of those nights where you get to an inch within sleep and then you have to roll over to get comfy again.
So yeah, up late today which meant I hardly did any of the things I was going to do. I'll do them tomorrow, which is what I have been saying for a week but tomorrow is the day I will do it.
All that aside, my good mood has to be down to what I have been listening to. I listened to my two greatest playlists. My funeral playlist which is amazing and then afterwards I listened to Book Yourself Into a Soul Asylum.
Yes, as in the Oasis lyrics, and that song is in there too. It's just a really uplifting playlist.
Well, uplifting for me. If anyone else ever listened to it they would probably breakdown with depression.
I also listened to my live Goo Goo Dolls cd which never fails to make me smile. Reminds me of when I saw them and how beautiful that night was.
I'm starting to enjoy what I am drawing more now. Usually once I finish something I look at it thinking it could be better but at the moment I don't have much self loathing so I just turn the page rather than rip them out. But each day when I come downstairs and look what I did the day previous I think they look much better. There are two possible reasons for this, either looking at something all day makes me more critical and I just need to step back now and again. Or, elves come out at night and make everything better.

The snow, hey. How about that. I watched the news and they said it was going to snow and then it did. I saw it when I went upstairs for a drink but it was only light and not sticking.
Then when I came back upstairs for food everything was white. That sure took me by surprise.
I don't mind the snow, I enjoy it. It's nice to look at and nice to be out in and it's much better to have a white winter than a bleak and grey one.

And to contrast the snow, I think I am going to Greece this summer for a week.
I could go for two weeks but then I would have to pay for more the second week and as much as I love my family I don't think I could hack two weeks with them.
I would also get really lonely if I was there for too long because there would be no one else for me to hang around with as I don't think Bev will be able to go.
And I will really miss Rory.
So a week is ample. A week with my best friend, the sea.
I am going to aim to get up everyday just before sunrise, walk down the road and go swimming each morning. Then I will come back and have breakfast. Next I will go to the pool or beach and sleep until lunch time. Afterwards I will maybe go for another swim or read a book and probably sleep some more. Then an evening swim.
Go back for a shower and go out for a meal.
Then afterwards go to my favourite bar in the entire world if it is still there.
And I will repeat this for a week.
I just want to sit on the beach alone in the morning, it's going to be gorgeous. And I'll be there singing Beautiful World as I swim past the wide breakers, where a man can still be free.

This year is really shaping up to be a good one. When it started I had no real plans for it other than it being the stepping stone to next year when I would be doing things. But it's only been one month and everything has changed. I had a great January with great company and now I am really starting to chase something I want to do with my life, or at least a couple of years of my life. I don't think I could wait another year.
Then we have Third Eye Blind in May.
For a year I had no hopes for, it now looks like this will be the best year to date.

Now though, I must go make myself sleepy by drinking tea, having a bath and watching a social commentary about 70's consumerism and the Vietnam War (Dawn of the Dead) as I have work tomorrow. I also have it the day after, and the day after that both of which are full days so I say roll on Sunday.