I came up to bed a while ago as I was falling asleep, but apparently coming to bed woke me up.
I did drink an awful lot of coffee downstairs lying down, so evidently the sudden vertical position threw all that caffeine to my head.
Earlier when I was reading I had a sudden sense of deja vu, a premonition coming to be. The only thing is, I only remember the dream as it is unfolding so I would be useless to predict lottery numbers or avert disasters. Oh well.
It made me sad though because I haven't thought about the fate dilemma for a nice long time. Last time I did I eased my mind with the idea of parallel universes so that I could get some sleep. Still a sadness remains, the thought of a predetermined life is a terrible thing. I'd rather not exist if I had no choices. But maybe if I had no choices I wouldn't exist, for I'd just be an empty puppet and fate would be my strings.
I pray this is not the case. Not pray, wrong word choice, but you get it.
I carried on reading, a good read my new book is. Makes me think of myself last year with my plans to go to America. Though I'm pretty sure that not one soul understands that this was not a real plan.
Don't get me wrong, given half the chance I would of loved to go ahead with it, but I had no plans at all so I spoke my day dreams, as I often do.
Back to the book and how it ties it, this guy went on holiday to America and just decided to stay around for a bit. All is possible, just look at Into The Wild.
So I came upstairs as I was tired, but now here I am.
I am tired now though, I shall roll over after this and sleep will be over me before I can say Mississippi mud pie.
Before this moment though I was pottering on the internet and looking through my documents and other such shit. I was lead to read something I never planned on doing so again. But I decided some research was needed to inspire me on starting some sort of project. I said I fancied maybe doing a comic for fun, but I get carried away with words, and that is happening write now.
The Dan from a year ago is not me. Even calling him Dan feels wrong, he wasn't.
I feel ashamed of it. Not sure in what way; the fickle nature of then and now? The words he used? No doubt it is a whole mix of things.
I speak a year later like I have a lifetime of knowledge, and I hope so much that I don't look back and think Dan, aged nineteen, was also a melodramatic prick.
I shouldn't do because since late last year when I got my shit together I kept saying I loved who I was and where I was. This still stands now. It pleases me no end.
Another reason as to why I do not believe that Past Dan was in fact Dan was because as I read certain things my heart remained level. No drops, no elation. The stone in my chest remained so.
Even when I was curious to what I was doing exactly a year ago. It was such a "huh" moment, only without a naked River in a box.
I totally forgot about an entire friendship from being so preoccupied.
I definitely have too much mind in my head. It thinks too much, I swear that it must think more than other peoples. For instance I'll be watching tv with my mother and be thinking about whether or not she is thinking about anything, and is it in as much depth as my thought.
But my thinking at work helped me, I was thinking about how I should tell the new person on the department that she did a good job, so I told her so and thanked her. However I have to think about these things, words rarely fall out my mouth on a whim. Apart from when I am with friends, and I love those simple moments of just living each simple moment.
I don't worry about my mind, not one bit. Everyone has their quirks, not a soul on this land in normal. To be normal is abnormal, for the abnormal are normal.
I now I feel like a breeze is passing through me. My emotions have flowed through these sentences but now they have come back down to earth.
A most lovely breeze.
Counteracting with the simplest of simple notes.
I'm so gutted to be leaving work now because some beautiful girl has started on Cake Shop. And it is no case of just having someone remotely attractive in the work place, she is beautiful.
There is an essence of attitude to her, and I like it.
She could be the one but now we'll just be ships passing in the night.
I ofcourse jest, I don't think she is the one and I don't believe there is just one person for someone anyway. No, she's just hot.
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