Sad times in the world of Dan. I read on IMDB that Phil Harris had died, captain of the Cornelia Marie and star of Deadliest Catch.
And it wasn't just a passing sadness when you read some bad news, this genuinely upset me big time.
It's not like when a character from a program dies, this was a real man with a real family.
He died of a stroke. His health has been shitty the past couple of years but he survived a blot clot going through his heart so with a feat like that you'd think he'd stick around forever.
But no, sad times.
Last night I wanted to watch some Deadliest Catch but for the first time ever it wasn't on so I had to make do with a program about torture while I played mahjong. Yeah, solitaire has been replaced by mahjong now.
Today I woke up at exactly the same time that I woke up yesterday, 8:23am. How strange.
This mornings film was Dumplings. It was a very good film and one I would recommend wholeheartedly. However I don't think anyone would watch it once they know what it's about.
In a nutshell this woman makes dumplings that make you more youthful and the secret ingredient is unborn babies. And if you care to now, a five month baby from a first time mother is the one that will have the greatest rejuvenating effect.
Think what you will but it was a good film, one of those ones that have a huge fantasy element but the story is so good that for the whole time the movie is on you believe it is all possible.
I was fed up with drawing today and wanted to make something happen. It didn't help that I had everything I needed to play around with make up but one thing. Impatience won today.
I should of been more patient because substituting and improvising got nothing to work. I also put derma wax on me only to realise straight away that I had nothing to remove it with.
None of it was at all confidence building but that will teach me to be impatient.
But I did manage to get all the wax off. I needed something with alcohol in but I didn't feel like routing female rooms for makeup remover. Mouthwash has methanol in so I used that and it worked well.
Then to get the rest I thought, "all this is hydrophobic so I can't use anything water based".
Vaseline.
So finally my A levels in biology and chemistry have proved themselves useful.
I learnt my lesson, I'll be patient and good.
Maybe, it's hard to be good a patient when I am constantly buying new things.
I say again, it's a good job I have a job.
Last night I realised I was living the exact same night that I lived two weeks ago.
Watched Shameless and followed it buy getting cosy with a hoody and watching a program about the Coast Guard until I went to bed.
"Daniel, your life is in a rut" I thought to myself, "a fucking awesome rut!"
And it's true, my life is same old same, day in day out but I like it. Repetition is fine when you like the things you are doing.
And what is there not to love. Lie in bed with the radio until I feel ready to get out of bed. Have a bagel with a cup of coffee and watch some tv, be it program or film. Drink more coffee.
Then fill up more of a sketch book while listening to music all day long with the occasional coffee and guitar breaks.
This pattern is sometimes broken up by work but that only stops me staying in bed all morning and by the time I get home it's around the time I would get up so I can carry on with my day any way I want.
My life is so free from complications and drama.
Admittedly there are a few holes in my life that I would like filled, however I am too busy enjoying me, myself and I to let this bother me.
I think it's this good mood of mine which is making it hard for me to fill this space. I don't have any anger in me to vent at you all and I haven't seen any anger filled documentaries for a while now.
Soon I think I'll either have to make up stories or tell tales from my past to fill this up.
Mainly to make it more fun for me to write and to interest myself, keeping up your interest just happens to be a by-product.
I'm the most loving person in the world.
I am looking forward to having the house to myself next week. I can have music on as loud as I want all day long. Cook lots of food. Not get dressed. Have an orgy.
The list could go on.
But most the things on the list wont be done. I'll just do lots of work, watch lots of films and get lonely. Then have a wine evening. It's just going to be a party, I just wanted to give it a classy name now we are all older.
Before everyone leaves me I need to go shopping so make sure you remind me on Friday.
And where is the postman/woman? They haven't been to my house in three days and I need my parcel to hurry up!
I want it now!
I have so many films to watch at the moment. I record late night films and then fill my day times with them, but at the moment I don't feel like filling my days with films.
That is right, you heard me correct and I'll say it again so you know you heard me right. I don't feel like filling my days with films.
I am too busy enjoying working. Having a routine and a sense of time well spent mixed with the occasional bit of pride is all I need at the moment.
And I have myself a normal sleeping pattern too. Bed at around midnight and rise at around 8:00am. I just can't sleep all morning anymore now I have things to do.
Getting out of bed is now a good thing when it used to be pretty pointless as I would get up and do nothing only to sleep again and do it all again the next day.
Many people have said this about me, that I am a person who has to do something. Keep the brain active and such. I always knew these people were right about me but I would tell them they were wrong. Either because I enjoy being awkward and annoying or because I don't like too many people knowing too much about me.
I could still go through life just fine without a job if I had the money, I'd just have to do lots of various things all the time and learn stuff.
I was pretty sure I was going to come to some point with all this but I think I expanded to much and everything has become lost.
The final season of Lost started on Sunday night. Who knew? Not I.
It's repeated tonight so everything will be okay. I'm not a huge fan of Lost, I was for the first season. Second and third were good but then I began to care less after that. I'm not giving up on it though, that would be a waste of time to watch five seasons but not the final one.
Unlike most people I don't watch it in the hope of finding answers, I prefer the questions. Questions get you thinking and exploring all sorts of possibilities. An answer is a dead end.
But I am still curious on how it's all going to tie together and end. Assuming it does that, they may be crazy and leave it all ambiguous - which wouldn't bother me but it would sure anger most the world.
Also on tv tonight is Swords: Life on the Line. It's basically the real life version of The Perfect Storm (which is my favourite film to watch when ill in bed). It's on the same lines of Deadliest Catch, and I fucking love Deadliest Catch.
And finally we have Shameless. I would like to say thank you to Sky+ because you make my life complete and simple. What would I do without you?
Probably use the internet to watch everything and get pissed off at the amount of my life that will be just spent waiting for videos to buffer.
I'm sorry, because I forgot what point I was trying to make before I have now discussed my tv habits with you. Luckily for you we didn't even mention Firefly.
Just you wait until I'm watching that.
I love my captain.
Big news here, I left the house today!
And what an evening to leave on, such a wonderful sunset. I was jealous of those clouds as I sure wouldn't of minded being kissed by that sun.
I went to the post box to send off my application.
Despite it being one of the easiest things to fill in I found it a bit hard to fill in the personal statement bit. It took me a whole ten minutes instead of a few minutes as I was decided what was worthy to go into it as it was only four questions. It was hard to think of things that would stand out from the norm.
Yet it was slightly better than the personal statement I had last year:
I'm Dan, but you can call me Jack, and I'm amazing.
I'll make this more interesting one day. You're on the back burner you could say.
Something I have to do and not so much something I want to do.
People say it's the best feeling in the world. It's nice to have your feet plunge into something cool, smooth and fresh for a change but it's far from being the best feeling in the world.
I am talking about this because I am wearing new socks today, and for the over curious ones out there they are Batman ones. Putting them on was a good feeling, however I didn't feel like I might die from a pleasure overdose.
I wonder if you can die from too much pleasure?
If so, what would my pleasure overdose come from?
Well, because I started with a complaint it only seems right to carry on.
Want to know what else annoys me other than most things in the world? Doesn't matter what your answer is because I'm going to go on regardless.
When people say they need to find themselves. What the fuck!?
Maybe I have said such words in the past, but never in a serious way. Anything I say needs to be taken with a pinch of salt.
But these people, what are they on about really.
It's probably just one of those excuses to get out of relationships.
"I need to find myself."
"It's not you, it's me."
"I'm gay."
I just don't get it but this is probably because I don't feel like a lost sheep. I know who I am and I know what I like.
Or maybe it's just the way it's worded, finding yourself, like it's something you have never had before. Maybe when folk say this they actually find something that was in them all along.
But finding yourself? Can someone really go through their life and know nothing about themselves.
Actually, now I'm arguing against it, it could make sense as some people create a life around a success that has been dictated to them and never have they stopped to think.
All in all, I don't think you can travel the world and find yourself. No, you are who you are. Everything's in there, only some of that needs to be uncovered. Traveling the world and doing all those cliche things may catalyse that uncovering but you can "find yourself" by just sitting down and having a good old think about where you are, how you got there and how you feel about it all.
Anyway, the Saints won. That pleased me. What didn't please me was the taste in my mouth this morning when I woke up, it tasted like a bad party.
I'm glad it's a Monday today as I had a nice quiet day time while everyone was at work and school.
I have also come across a load of old things when I took a book out my room. It was full of little doodles I used to do in bed, mainly of Spider-man and Mary Jane. They were fun to look at, but then on the back of one of them I had a list of my favourite bands at that point in time. The only one there that is still in my top bands was The Clash, there was no sign of any of the bands I love now.
I wanted to go back in time and ruffle fifteen year old Dan's hair.
I'm going to go now as I am bored.
It's not on that late either so I will be staying up to watch it. Giant bottle of Stella is in the fridge ready and I am sure I can cook up some food.
As you know I want the Saints to win and so does that guy on the radio. I fell asleep listening to the radio again and it's nice to wake up to it. It's just there to bring you into the day.
My college application form came yesterday and it's one of the easiest forms I have ever seen. The closest thing to a personal statement in it is five lines to fill about what you want to do after the course. I just forgot about the huge differences between college and university so it is all coming as a very happy surprise.
I really have seen many harder application forms. The Woolworths one for instance was huge and you had to write loads about why you want to work there and what you could bring to the company. I didn't even fill that form it because it was too big. But now look, Woolworths is no more. Looks like I was the winner all along.
I'm glad I don't go to church because I really like doing nothing on a Sunday. And today I sure did nothing, well nothing too straining. Because we now have a new computer I decided the best thing to do would be to play some Half Life 2 that wouldn't freeze at every auto save. And I was right, it was the best thing to do with my morning.
This was followed by Rob Zombie's House of 1000 Corpses.
It wasn't the best of films but it did have the odd good bit of acting, or a good shot or something else pretty and clever but none of these were redeeming factors. It was set in the 70's and I guess it was some sort of ode to 70's horror as most the film drew parallels to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I found the first half of the film was trying too hard to look like it was from the 70's and it just made everything unbelievable and the whole feel of the film was like some shitty made-for-tv film. Yet by the second half the push for that 70's feel seemed to stop which made everything flow better and it did make it feel like it would belong in a cinema in 1976.
It started as a simple slasher but by the end it was in the realms of sci-fi/fantasy. Maybe that conversation at the beginning was a foreshadowing when that kid said he liked sci-fi more than westerns.
If only the first had been less wooden and the ending had been toned down a little and if that woman didn't have such and annoying laugh it would of been a satisfactory film.
As I said, it had a few moments of good filmmaking and more so nearer the end so I would hazard a guess that it was filmed mainly chronologically.
Then Rob Zombie must of got really good when making The Devil's Rejects because that was a great film. It's the sequel to House of 1000 Corpses but thankfully it leaves behind the fantasy element because what made it a great film was the sadistic and deranged characters. I particularly liked the way Zombie used music in The Devil's Rejects as it really made us see the world through their eyes.
And the sequel had a complete recast apart from the one good actor from the first film. That was another shame about the first one, their was one really good character but he was surrounded by terrible actors and filming.
Are you asking me why I watched it all if I didn't like it?
Because.
Because I started it and I had to finish it. It takes a spectacularly shit film for me to turn it off before the end. And it was a horror film. The more horror films I watch, the better I will feel on my deathbed about the life I lived.
And then because I like to talk about them like this. I could be a horror film critic like that guy with long hair and a mustache. You know the one - well you probably don't (I sometimes wonder why I bother with you).
Despite all it's faults, this film got me thinking. Got me thinking that I could create an amazing ghost train. The term ghost train wouldn't do justice on how amazing mine would be.
Then I thought I should have a horror theme park, and the gift shop would be like a mall with zombies walking around. I wont pay them much, I'll save money by getting most my actors as they come out of doing some drama degree while they are all fresh faced and willing to work cheap. My cheap little whores.
I'll be living the dream.
Mark my words, 25 years from now the Disney parks will have serious competition on their hands.
I am very nearly done with drawing every single bone in the body, just the arms to do now.
After they are done I shall reward myself by allowing myself to do something fun and colourful.
And soon I will have the house to myself for a week so apart from the obvious house party that will occur I can get loads of done. All I need is some big paper.
Isn't life wonderful?
Mine certainly is.
True story, no matter how out of context it is.
I'm not going to go into the details of the story though because I find it much more interesting to be left as it is.
And while we are already talking about love, it's almost Valentine's Day. I'm not one of those anti-consumerism people who refuse to do anything because why should they just show their love one day a year. It's not like that though. You can show love all year round, just that day is dedicated to love.
It is far too pink though, too cushy and all those other horrible things they sell. I guess I like my love cold and hard, rather than soft and gentle.
I should admire those who refuse to do things on Valentine's day as they are brave people. I'd never dare to tell a girl to fuck off on such a day - unless of course I didn't like her and then it would crush her, making the whole day better.
I've had my Valentine for most of last year. New Angels & Airwaves album comes out on that day and it is aptly named Love.
But chances are I wont get this cd on the day because the past few cds I have pre-ordered have taken a few days to even be stocked in Britain. Though Angels & Airwaves are more popular than Third Eye Blind and the EELS so there is always hope somewhere.
So I shall hopefully have a romantic and intimate evening with a cd. It's only right really when you think about it, I do love music more than anything. My favourite song is literally my favourite thing in the world.
It's true, no matter what you come up with that song will always come out on top.
And along with this album, Angels & Airwaves are releasing a film too which is also titled Love. I don't expect this to be out on Valentine's Day though, assuming it ever gets releasing in cinemas this side of the pond.
I'm feeling pretty alive today. I died last night.
When I got in from work I did nothing but watch some Miami Ink repeats and went to bed at 7 o'clock.
I know! Crazy.
I haven't been to bed that early since I was four or something. It was a wise move though and I went and had the deepest nights sleep filled with the most vivid dreams.
I wont go into the details of these dreams either.
Saying all this, I am still looking forward to sleeping tonight and not getting up tomorrow until I feel like it, and at this rate I will feel ready to get out of bed on Tuesday night.
I'll be a trooper and get up tomorrow morning and do some more work but I may give myself the night off tonight again. I feel I deserve it and I don't need to justify my choices to you.
And I have beer to drink, that requires a lot of difficult work.
Yeah, I'll just have an orgy of work tomorrow.
I had a parcel come for me today, sadly no one was in to sign for it. I'm guessing it will be my makeup. It's not all doom and gloom because I still haven't got my latex so hopefully that will come on Monday when I collect my other stuff.
Then I can look like I have gender issues by looking myself in the bathroom and spending hours on my makeup.
Look at that, we have come full circle today. Starting and ending with two out of context remarks.
I like things that come full circle.
Seriously, this name follows me everywhere I go. It's a nice name so I don't mind and maybe I will name my daughter Ava.
Gosh I'm sleepy today even if my job doesn't entail the greatest amount of work. I like that about it.
I also like how it's so separate from my life, I think about this as I walk there and notice I have nothing with me. I'm so used to walking that road with a bag full of stuff from all those years of school. Now though, everything is all clear and apart, no bleeding into each other. I like that.
I don't have many words to bore you with tonight because I am trying to will myself to go finish another page in my sketchbook.
Sin City needs to be finished too because I'm near the end and it's all very exciting.
But I think I want to sleep more.
Today I was going to set out to what I was going to do last week. But I didn't.
Two reasons, I had missed the deadline for one of the courses I was looking at which was no fault of mine as I only found it after it's deadline.
Second reason being I found a better sounding course. Again it's a foundation in make-up and special effects but this one then lets you progress to the next course up. And then if I still can't get enough of it after two years I can do a top up to a real degree. However this course is at Leicester College.
It doesn't really make much of a difference though because if I go there then I will be spending my money on accommodation rather than travel. I'd just need to get a new job.
This is all assuming I get there.
I had a really nice chat on the phone to the college even though I have nothing more than a GCSE in art, and not a particularly good one at that because I decided exam preparation was too much like hard work.
I was a good student.
But yeah, I really enjoy it when people are just as happy as me on the phone. They make my day and I probably make their day too with my upbeat attitude.
The way they explained things to me is you apply by form and then you get a interview regardless. If so that's awesome because my application form isn't going to look all to great because I was a hardcore scientist. And interviews aren't scary, and I would love having an interview about something I have an interest in because then I wont shut up long enough for them to even ask me questions.
Yet this all I means I have a fucktonne of work to do. I am being a good boy though, this is my fourth day spent in the cellar drawing all day. Now I just need to stop being distracted as often and leave Rory alone for a while. He'll understand, he knows not to be jealous of a skinny pencil when he has that sexy, voluptuous body of his.
I also need to expand out more, I'm thinking Asian art. Or I could just do everything in pastels because they are quick and easy and make you look better than you actually are.
If you haven't noticed, I'm still really excited about life.
It's weird, I have always imagined since junior school that I would go to university and become successful but now I am looking at doing some vocational course at a college. Goodbye academia.
Maybe this will work in my favour, they'll see me and say "wow, this kid has thrown away what could of been a rich and prosperous life in science for slumming it with art."
Yeah, that's exactly what they'll say.
My dermawax came today. Now hopefully tomorrow I'll get my makeup and latex then I can play around and have a fun afternoon. I also picked up ingredients for blood on my way out of work. I couldn't find any liquid glucose but luckily I'm not all braun and beauty, I have brains too and new I could just mix up a thick gel with corn flour and water. It worked out well, added some food colourings, strawberry syrup and balsamic vinegar. It looks good and flows good, however the mix of those smells is rank. It may be edible but I'm not digging having that in my mouth.
I managed to spill some as well and the kitchen looked like a crime scene. This was a good thing as it let me admire what a fine job I had done.
Only for my mum to be grossed out by two cups of blood on the side. As I have told you before, I find great pride in scaring and grossing people out.
And speaking of mother dearest, I let her into my life and told her what I had been doing with my day which lead to a nice talk.
Who'da funked it? Me going to see Third Eye Blind and maybe even going into higher education this year.
Well no matter what I think I really need to be doing something come September because I have gotten myself far too excited so if I fail to get on any of the courses I apply for I will try just a plain art foundation and some local, crappy place.
Life is great even if I am going to be twenty at the end of the year. Twenty...gross.
Nineteen though, I didn't like it at first. It made me sound older when I didn't feel it but now I like it. It's a good age.
I'm going to stop talking now because I could go on and on all night long because I'm so chipper. So stoked.
And I have work again tomorrow at six until three. Yep, a real man's shift, for real men - and Dan.
I'm in a mighty fine mood today.
I got up much later than I intended. I got up at twelve o'clock. It was hard to get to sleep last night, it was one of those nights where you get to an inch within sleep and then you have to roll over to get comfy again.
So yeah, up late today which meant I hardly did any of the things I was going to do. I'll do them tomorrow, which is what I have been saying for a week but tomorrow is the day I will do it.
All that aside, my good mood has to be down to what I have been listening to. I listened to my two greatest playlists. My funeral playlist which is amazing and then afterwards I listened to Book Yourself Into a Soul Asylum.
Yes, as in the Oasis lyrics, and that song is in there too. It's just a really uplifting playlist.
Well, uplifting for me. If anyone else ever listened to it they would probably breakdown with depression.
I also listened to my live Goo Goo Dolls cd which never fails to make me smile. Reminds me of when I saw them and how beautiful that night was.
I'm starting to enjoy what I am drawing more now. Usually once I finish something I look at it thinking it could be better but at the moment I don't have much self loathing so I just turn the page rather than rip them out. But each day when I come downstairs and look what I did the day previous I think they look much better. There are two possible reasons for this, either looking at something all day makes me more critical and I just need to step back now and again. Or, elves come out at night and make everything better.
The snow, hey. How about that. I watched the news and they said it was going to snow and then it did. I saw it when I went upstairs for a drink but it was only light and not sticking.
Then when I came back upstairs for food everything was white. That sure took me by surprise.
I don't mind the snow, I enjoy it. It's nice to look at and nice to be out in and it's much better to have a white winter than a bleak and grey one.
And to contrast the snow, I think I am going to Greece this summer for a week.
I could go for two weeks but then I would have to pay for more the second week and as much as I love my family I don't think I could hack two weeks with them.
I would also get really lonely if I was there for too long because there would be no one else for me to hang around with as I don't think Bev will be able to go.
And I will really miss Rory.
So a week is ample. A week with my best friend, the sea.
I am going to aim to get up everyday just before sunrise, walk down the road and go swimming each morning. Then I will come back and have breakfast. Next I will go to the pool or beach and sleep until lunch time. Afterwards I will maybe go for another swim or read a book and probably sleep some more. Then an evening swim.
Go back for a shower and go out for a meal.
Then afterwards go to my favourite bar in the entire world if it is still there.
And I will repeat this for a week.
I just want to sit on the beach alone in the morning, it's going to be gorgeous. And I'll be there singing Beautiful World as I swim past the wide breakers, where a man can still be free.
This year is really shaping up to be a good one. When it started I had no real plans for it other than it being the stepping stone to next year when I would be doing things. But it's only been one month and everything has changed. I had a great January with great company and now I am really starting to chase something I want to do with my life, or at least a couple of years of my life. I don't think I could wait another year.
Then we have Third Eye Blind in May.
For a year I had no hopes for, it now looks like this will be the best year to date.
Now though, I must go make myself sleepy by drinking tea, having a bath and watching a social commentary about 70's consumerism and the Vietnam War (Dawn of the Dead) as I have work tomorrow. I also have it the day after, and the day after that both of which are full days so I say roll on Sunday.
